Burke and Hare

HERE WE ARE.

Finally, I bring you the most amazing horror movie to ever come out of goofy, sexploity 1971 AND it is the last of the Bs! That’s right, after months of Bads and Blacks and Bloods and Brains and Belphagors, we are finally at the last B horror movie in the Netflix horror section (and yet we have only begun with actual b-horror-movies god all -fuckin-mighty Netflix with your film selection).

How do you all feel? Accomplished? You’ve come so far. I’m very proud. Thanks for tuning in once every couple of months when I remember I sometimes have a blorg. I know you’re all very proud of me as well. I am too. I think I’ve earned it.

AND NOW GET READY FOR ONE OF MY VERY VERY FAVORITES.

First of all, this isn’t the Burke and Hare movie from 2010. This isn’t the Burke and Hare movie from the 90s. No no no. This is much much better. This is motherfucking NINETEEN SEVENTY-ONE. This is a Burke and Hare story with FALSE EYELASHES and BIG SIDEBURNS and SO MANY BOOBIES. LONG HAIR AND BIG LAPELS AND CHEESY MUSIC AND SERIOUSLY SO MANY BOOBIES AND ALSO BUTTS. (Goddamn, the 1970s must have been fucking spectacular.)

If you’re not familiar, Burke and Hare were actual real live serial killers in Edinburgh in the 1830s. At that time, cutting up a body for science was seen as the worst possible thing to happen to your discarded flesh tube after death, so medical students were only permitted to use the corpses of executed convicts to learn about anatomy and surgery, as we had not yet figured out what science was and so we were already prepared to just shit all over it with religious regulations BUT NOT ANYMORE HAHAHAHAHAHA. So of course skeletons and corpses became extremely valuable and, because humans are awful and 1827 UK was the fucking worst, William Burke and William Hare (I know, how are these called “the Burke and Hare Murders” and not “Double William Death Squad,” fucking tell me about it) went into the lucrative murdering-people-and-selling-them-to-medical-school business.

Which brings us to this delightful, boob-filled romp through 19th century serial murder.

William Hare ran a shitty boarding house for shitty people, and William Burke lived there. In their spare time they dug up reasonably fresh corpses to sell to medical schools, which was about as happy and prosperous a life as one could have in 1827 Edinburgh.

One day, one of the other shitty residents of the shitty boarding house keels over and our Williams, seeing oldy timey dollar signs, decide to bury a fake body and sell the real one to a local surgeon, who didn’t ask too many questions because if you wanted to teach medicine in 1827 you had to turn a blind eye to black market cadavers because WHAT IN THE SHIT 1827 YOU HAD TO HAVE KNOWN WHERE THIS WOULD END UP. Great job, 1827. We got stuck with H.H. Holmes because of your shit. Way to go.

Realizing how much could be made by having anonymous people “accidentally” die at your boarding house, both Williams decide to go into business together. CORPSE BUSINESS. (1980s, please come back and produce a Magnum PI-style show called Corpse Business. I want lots of guns and lots of skeletons in giant shoulder-padded jackets. Please and thank you.) Burke and Hare Incorpseporated goes actually pretty well for a while until they accidentally pick the wrong lady to smother to death and all hell breaks loose.

But wait. Before ANY of this, before the movie even begins, we have the single greatest intro theme song of all time. I’m not going to attempt to describe it, I’m just going to link it here and allow all of you to bask in its glory: WATCH IT HERE WATCH IT NOW.

And let me tell you, the whole fucking movie is like that. It’s silly and anachronistic and could not be less serious about its subject matter. Eventually William^2 start bringing home prostitutes and killing them for their cadavers and we get ENTHUSIASTIC 70S SEX FROLICKING BEFORE MURDER. IT’S THE GODDAMN FUCKING BEST.

This movie makes me inordinately happy and I can barely make myself summarize it much more because my hope truly is that you all watch that intro and immediately go seek out the full movie and stick it directly into your eyeballs and hearts. Burke and Hare is one of the few bright spots in this whole stupid alphabetized project I have forced myself into and I am literally going to stop writing this blog and go watch it again right…….

(FIVE FUCKING HORRORS YOU GUYS FUCK IT’S THE BEST)

………NOW.

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A shot from the movie, and also my face the entire time I was watching it. LOOK HOW HAPPY THEY ARE TO BE A PART OF THIS MASTERPIECE.

 

 

Burke and Hare

Bruiser

First of all, GOOD NEWS EVERYONE.

Horror in Order can now be found at horrorinorder.com AND can be successfully googled, like a real website! You all thought I had abandoned you, that I did not care about my beloved blorg, that I was not willing to put in the time. ON THE CONTRARY. I am a hard-working, independent, passionate woman who would give anything to make her beloved project grow and shine, so I put on my big girl panties and got out my laptop and put in the grueling effort to ask a friend to figure that shit out while I took a nap.

And boy did he come through!

Thanks Jim.

EVERYONE THANK JIM.

Moving on to this week’s movie, Bruiser! Get ready for something weird, and by weird I mean French, and by French I mean weird.

Bruiser is directed by George Romero (yes, that George Romero) and it is really more of a revenge thriller than a horror film, necessarily, but it does feature plenty of murders and a creepy nightmare mask, so I’ll allow it, Netflix. It also stars Jason Flemyng, Peter Stormare, Leslie Hope, and Tom Atkins, who you may recognize as Actual Actors Who Were Likely Paid Money To Participate In This Film, which already puts it head and shoulders above two thirds of the films we review here at Horror in Oh No Not Another One Shot On A Cell Phone Camera.

Our protagonist, Henry, is a bland and unhappy businessman with suicidal thoughts who works a high stress and unrewarding job for an asshole boss and goes home to a shitty marriage to a cheating wife. In other words, how I assume most people who have to wear ties must live. Business majors, is it possible to be truly happy while wearing a tie? And no, I do not mean bow-ties, as it is impossible to be unhappy while wearing a bow-tie. Have you seen Bill Nye? It’s science. (Also I’m pretending that business majors read this blog.)

One day, Henry wakes up to discover that his face has been replaced with a featureless white mask WITH CREEPY TINY PINHOLES FOR EYES that he cannot remove. See this movie if only to watch a dude be stuck with this creepy face for a couple hours – it’s amazing. TINY PINHOLE EYES, GUYS. HE’S LIKE THE LIVING EMBODIMENT OF A DITTO PERSON but more murdery, because as we will learn, having no face lowers certain inhibitions, such as that to not murder everyone you see. Emboldened by becoming some sort of identitiless monster, Henry goes on a killing spree to right all the wrongs in his life, from his dickhole of a boss to his dickhole of a wife to his dickhole of a maid who I guess steals stuff when he’s not there, but when you’re a’killin you may as well make it a clean sweep.

In some ways, this movie is a little predictable and cliche. The “little guy kills his boss and everyone taking advantage of him” plot has been done to death, but this is at least well-done. The score has a film noir feel to it and the whole film is at once surreal and grounded by an all too familiar office drone environment. It’s basically Death of a Salesman, but Willy Loman kills everyone he’s ever known and also he has no face, and wouldn’t that significantly improve Death of a Salesman?

I think it would.

I give this……..THREE AND A HALF HORRORS.

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Also here, for all you monsters who don’t know what a Ditto is. Get a damn Gameboy.

 

Bruiser

Bound To Vengeance

LOL I bet some of you believed me when I said I would start doing this weekly like an actual professional who gives a shit. So if you’re disappointed that I disappeared for two months with no warning or reason, it’s your fault for not picking up on my poor work ethic. And if you think for a second that I’m not going to blame you for my overwhelming shortcomings, THEN FUCK YOU GET OUT.

I love you, come back, you’re all I have.

Bound To Vengeance is a 2015 femsploitation revenge film from director Jose Manuel Cravioto, and I’ve been avoiding writing about it because it requires actual analysis and thought, which is something I spend this whole blog trying desperately not to do. The film’s protagonist is Eve, the imprisoned victim of a sadistic rapist. Once she manages to escape, she discovers that there are other victims hidden across the city and she vows to free the rest of them and bring her torturer to justice.

Unfortunately the entire film looks decently cool with good acting and surprising plot twists, which means I can’t bitch about how poorly it was done, while still being hugely problematic in its message, which means I have to put my women and gender studies cap on and I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF THAT CAP CAN’T WE JUST GET THIS SHIT RIGHT YET.

If the film followed the two sentence summary I gave above (see: above) there wouldn’t be too much to complain about. Let’s be real: if there’s something that everyone loves, except for rapists, it’s watching a rapist be killed to fuck by his rape victim. (And rapists, you’re really going to have to get on board. Maybe reconsider being a giant pile of sticky, toxic shit. Also stop reading my blog – aren’t you in jail? LOL of course you’re not. HAHAHAHAHA IT’S 2017 AND THIS IS STILL A THING.) So if this one played a little closer to Act of Vengeance (you know, without the litany of problems in that one) and had all the victims come together to stomp their rapist to the deathiest death that ever died, Bound to Vengeance could be a little more satisfying, because in some ways it was actually on the right track, until it went super off the right track and very solidly onto the wrong track. It’s fairly low on the torture porn, which is good. If you’re going to write about rape, (something way way overused as a plot device and way way underused as a reason to send people to prison forever) at least don’t show us the rape just for the shock value. Furthermore, Eve is an incredibly strong and moral woman who is only manipulated by her strong desire to keep other women from experiencing the same trauma she had to, which is also good.

And here’s where we end the section on Things That Are Good and dive deep into the Things That Are Fuck You, Bound To Vengeance part.

Which is: Every. Other. Goddamn. Part.

The first woman our hero tries to save is basically feral and runs straight into a metal pike in the yard the second she is freed and is impaled to death. So…..that happens. The second woman turns out to be fiercely loyal to her torturer and attacks Eve, who is forced to shoot her to death just to save her own life. Basically the entire rest of the film is written to continually undermine Eve’s attempt to do the right thing, resulting in her being frequently forced to do the wrong thing, while portraying the female victims as sheep led to the slaughter. I get it. Art dives into the shades of gray between right and wrong and challenges the viewer and blah blah blah I GET IT. But like….can you fucking not do it with RAPE? Can you maybe pick a subject where the actual real victims in reality are not ALREADY TOLD THEY ARE THE ONES AT FAULT? Can you maybe not examine the difficult ethics of something where the victim refuses to call the cops because THE COPS AND THE COURT SYSTEM WON’T PROTECT HER? Can we maybe examine the morality of REPEATEDLY CHOOSING TO GIVE RAPISTS THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT AND CAST DISPERSIONS ON RAPE VICTIMS WHO MAY HAVE ASKED FOR IT BECAUSE HER DRESS SHOWED OFF HER BUTT???

CAN YOU MAYBE HIRE A FEMALE WRITER FOR YOUR RAPE FILM???? MAYBE??? CAN YOU FUCKING DO THAT??? OR DID THEY ALL TURN IT DOWN BECAUSE YOU’RE THE ACTUAL WORST???

Ugh.

UGH.

GODDAMMIT.

Horror should show awful things, of which rape is one of the worst. Horror is the perfect platform for examining the worst in everyone, and for taking its viewers to the darkest possible places. Horror is meant to elicit fear and disgust and to leave you feeling unsettled.

But maybe, when tackling a subject in which the real actual perpetrators of horrific violence are repeatedly treated as inherently good people who deserve a second chance, MAYBE use your movie to give the victims a second chance. MAYBE DON’T REINFORCE THE SHITTIEST ASPECTS OF REALITY IN SUCH A WAY THAT SUGGESTS THAT THE VIEWER’S EMPATHY FOR THE VICTIM, MODELED ON ACTUAL REAL VICTIMS WHO ACTUALLY REALLY DESERVE EMPATHY, MAY BE WRONG.

Fuck.

The cinematography was okay though.

So……there’s that I guess.

Great work, team.

……TWO HORRORS. AND ALSO DON’T SEE THIS MOVIE UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE MAD.

Jesus christ, at least that’s over. Next time I promise something more fun and less upsetting. Something that won’t make me so mad and exhausted every time I think about writing it that I abandon my blog for two straight months.

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Me, remembering I had to write this post.
Bound To Vengeance

Borderline Cult

HURRAY NOVEMBER IS OVER I DID IT.

Okay, so I didn’t quite do all 31 Days Of Horror, because November is only 30 days and I started on the 3rd and then I took several days off because ughhhh writing words is JUST SO HARD but whatever. I probably did like 20 maybe. Maybe 15. I for sure did at least ten. Probably. (I could count but ughhhhhh counting things is JUST SO HARD.)

So from now on I will be posting at least once a week on Sunday, THE LORD’S DAY, and I promise to actually keep up with this thing because holy shit I don’t want to be still working through the letter J when I’m 45 and Netflix owns the entire internet.

And now for today’s movie: Borderline Cult.

And HOOOOOOOOOOLY SHIT it’s the worst.

I’m going to admit something to you. I did not watch the entirety of this movie.

That’s how bad it is.

I watched all of 100 Ghost Street: The Return of Richard Speck. I watched every fucking minute of The Amityville Haunting. I did everything short of build a Clockwork Orange-style eyelid opener to keep watching The fucking Bell Witch Haunting.

But I could not make it through this.

Borderline Cult is about three serial killers torturing and killing women at the US/Mexico border. That is all. That is the whole thing. And it literally looks like it was shot on a cell phone camera. It’s a blurry mess with zero sound or lighting equipment and is entirely done with some sort of washed out grainy filter that I think was intended to hide the fact that this was filmed in someone’s backyard with Halloween store plastic knives and wigs. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that every costume, set piece, and prop was purchased at Spirit Halloween.

Fuck man.

It’s just the fucking worst.

I’ve only given up on watching a movie in this project one other time and I feel like this one is somehow WORSE than that. The other movie I couldn’t force myself to waste my life with was Baseline Killer, directed by Ulli Lommel, and

wait.

Ulli Lommel is the director of Borderline Cult.

…….

FUCKING. MONSTER.

THE MINUTES OF MY LIFE THIS MAN HAS TAKEN FROM ME, NEVER TO BE RETURNED. FUCK THIS DUDE. WHAT IS THE FUCKING MATTER WITH YOU, LOMMEL??? WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS??? IS IT THE MONEY??? IS IT WORTH IT TO YOU TO SPEND TWELVE DOLLARS MAKING A MOVIE THAT GROSSES FIFTEEN???

FUCK YOU.

FUCK YOU AND YOUR WASHED OUT SNAPCHAT FILTER YOU FUCKING USE ON EVERYTHING.

FUCK YOU AND YOUR SINGLE PLASTIC BLONDE HALLOWEEN WIG THAT YOU APPARENTLY STORE IN A BOX OF RATS.

FUCK YOU FOR MAKING A BOX OF RATS DEAL WITH YOUR SHIT – THEY GODDAMN DESERVE BETTER.

…….NO HORRORS.

NO HORRORS FOR YOU.

THE ONLY HORROR IS THAT NETFLIX SPENT THAT $15 BUYING YOUR SHIT ASS MOVIE AND THAT I SPENT HALF AN HOUR OF MY LIFE TRYING TO WATCH IT WITHOUT REMOVING MY EYES WITH MY COMPUTER MOUSE. THE HORROR IS THAT SOME POOR L.A. WAITRESS HAS THIS PIECE OF SHIT ON HER IMDB PAGE. THE HORROR IS THAT HOLY TITS YOU HAVE SIXTY ONE FUCKING DIRECTING CREDITS.

FUCK.

JESUS.

I’ll be back next week hopefully with a movie that DIDN’T ALMOST FUCKING KILL ME AND MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON.

UGH.

THIS GUY.

FUCK.

ulli-lommel-01
FUCK. 
Borderline Cult

Bloody Judge

Hooooly shit you guys I am running out of steam on these 60s and 70s movies with “blood” in the title. I barely even remember this one and it stars Christopher Lee. That’s how much I can’t not sleep through 60s and 70s movies with “blood” in the title at this point. Oof.

Let’s get this over with.

Bloody Judge is a 1970 film by Jesus Franco who is known for his exploitation horror flicks filled with sex and gore at a time when “exploitation” was an actual genre. Christopher Lee stars as real historical figure Lord Chancellor Judge Jeffries, a judge presiding over cases of witchcraft who has the accused women tortured for his own sexual gratification in order to elicit a confession. When he’s not busy torturing women before sending them off to go get executed, he’s busy feeling sort of bad about it but not bad enough to stop doing it because God and shit. Awesome job, GOD. Fucking 1700 England, amirite?

Of course Straight White Male With A Complex Regarding Sexuality never actually sees or participates in an execution until the very end when he happens to catch one out his window and promptly dies of a heart attack upon realizing how shitty he has been this whole time. It’s almost like people in positions of power just shouldn’t be dickwads but whatever that’s just me.

BOOOOOOOOOORIIIIIING.

I mean, I wish this heart-attack-upon-discovering-what-empathy-is thing would really happen, but I think the existence of 2016 has proven that impossible. Apart from that….ugh. I neither remember nor care much about this movie. Maybe I’m just so super over this whole segment of the genre. I can’t give any more shits about blood-soaked titties from 1970. I just can’t. Not even when you wrap it in historical drama and Christopher Lee’s deep velvety sex voice.

I give this movie……WHO CARES HORRORS.

Holy shit I forgot how many of these were in the B section.

I’m just waiting for the end of this letter so I can review Burke and Hare which is EVERYTHING THE SEVENTIES SHOULD BE and then I’m going to drink a truckload of wine and burn my computer so I can move on with my life.

To the letter C, I mean.

cookielp
C is a very important letter.

 

Bloody Judge

Bloody April Fools

Sigh.

I actually missed this one the first time I went through the B section and upon noticing that I’d skipped it somehow I went back and watched it because goddammit I was going to watch ALL the movies in alphabetical order mostly.

I regret this decision.

Bloody April Fools is a Spanish teen slasher flick, and it turns out that Spanish teen slasher flicks are exactly as awful as American teen slasher flicks. It opens, like they all do, to a flashback of a teenaged outcast being killed as the result of a prank. What prank, you ask? The one where you lock a dude in the boiler room of the girl’s shower and watch as his face melts onto a burning pipe. This has two advantages:

  1. So so so many titties.
  2. That’s it.

Also, I’m no building systems PhD, but I’m fairly certain that each water source in a school does not have its own boiler room? Am I wrong about that? And aren’t they usually in the basement? And don’t they generally have all kinds of safety measures built into them which would allow you to touch the giant pipe that was prominently placed at face level without having to say goodbye to said face? And also am I just unfamiliar with the many boiler rooms that let you SEE INTO THE GIRL’S SHOWER? Is this a feature of boiler rooms now? Titty windows? WHEN did they add the titty windows? Whose job is it to maintain the titty windows and how, if the whole room gets so hot that just existing in the boiler room for sixty seconds when the heat is on can MELT A HUMAN, do the titty windows not break or melt or something? TELL ME OF THE TITTY WINDOWS, ARCHITECT FRIENDS.

Fuck this movie is bad. I’m going to speed through this shit so I can drink, not unlike the screenwriters must have.

Anyway, the following year a bunch of Asshole Teenagers go to an April Fools party (oh right, all those April Fools parties that the Cool Teens are constantly going to, so popular and real they are) when suddenly they start being killed one by one as the victims of murder pranks. (Though, if the point of the prank is to murder, I think it’s generally just known as murder? Again, the fuck do I know.)  Oh, also none of the women ever wear shirts. Also also one of them suffers a head injury that opens up her skull and she then reaches up into her brain matter, masturbates with her BRAIN, and dies as soon as she’s done orgasming. Cool, great. This is good writing. Great job, everyone, April Fools drinks on me SIKE IT’S POISON FUCK YOU WHY DID YOU WASTE TWO HOURS OF MY LIFE.

…..TWO HORRORS.

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This titty window seems reasonable now, THANKS ASSHOLES.
Bloody April Fools

Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys

Not to be confused with “Blood Lake,” the 1987 teen slasher flick, or “Blood Lake,” the 2006 porno, Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys is the (duh) Asylum film made exclusively for, wait for it, ANIMAL PLANET.

…..sure.

Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys is exactly what you think it will be – shitty CGI, over-the-top death scenes, and Christopher Lloyd.

Wait, what?

OH YES MY FRIENDS.

CHRISTOPHER FREAKING LLOYD.

Christopher Freaking Lloyd plays the Mayor of Killer Lamprey Town who tells the scientists who have arrived to combat and publicize the murder fish situation to go fuck themselves because KILLER LAMPREY TOWN IS FOR SURE SUPER SAFE AND I HEAR THEIR MAYOR IS THE BEST.

Spoiler alert: Christopher Lloyd dies on the toilet when a killer lamprey jumps up his asshole and shoots out his mouth! HURRAY!

Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys also stars Shannen Doherty of Beverly Hills 90210 and Jason Brooks of Days Of Our Lives to round out the famous-thirty-years-ago cast. It’s better than some Asylum movies, worse than other Asylum movies, so I’m going to wrap this review up and say….

…….THREE HORRORS.

However.

Now that I know that Animal Planet has an interest in creature feature horror…..how has no one made a My Cat From Hell movie???

HOW HAS NO ONE MADE A MY CAT FROM HELL MOVIE.

Picture this.

Cats across the country begin to turn on their owners in a slew of unexplained and adorable murders. Local law enforcement officers cower in fear as kittens feast on the corpses of the American people. The FBI get involved and are immediately overpowered. Brute force is clearly not the answer. The chain of command goes straight to the president. We need an expert. Someone must be called in to subdue the nation’s felines. The president picks up the red phone and dials.

ENTER JACKSON GALAXY – THE MOTHERFUCKING CAT DADDY.

THIS WILL RIVAL SHARKNADO. THIS WILL BE ANIMAL PLANET’S PATH TO GREATNESS. I will make the kickstarter, Jackson. I will hand out flyers. I will call studio execs. I will hand-pick all the cats. I will make this happen. All you have to do is give me the thumbs up and I will make My Cat From Hell: Purrminator HAPPEN. Please call me. Please, Jackson.

jackson
PLEASE JACKSON.

 

Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys