ALRIGHT LOOK I AM SORRY, it’s been a month or so since I last wrote about a shitty horror movie that none of you people should watch, and for that you have one man to blame: Jimmy Buffett.
I have been working on one Mr. James William Buffett’s new musical, Escape to Margaritaville, for the last forever and his demands on me and my fellow theater technicians has been near infinite, so if anyone would like to file a complaint, I’m sure you can find J Buff in Florida lounging on a pile of cash and sipping a pint of tequila with an umbrella in it. He won’t give a shit, but maybe he’ll share his weed with you. On the bright side, he did put zombies in the show just for me, so I have spent the last couple of months slaving over the undead FOR WHICH YOU SHOULD ALL BE GRATEFUL. (PS, go see the show, it pays my salary sort of, also zombies.)
Anyway, now to the very first of the C List, the whopping THIRD letter in the alphabet that I have binge watched my way to – Cabin Fever: Patient Zero.
NOPE, not Cabin Fever, that was a Good Movie directed by Eli Roth. None of that here. This is Cabin Fever 3, the third best of the three Cabin Fever films, or, alternatively, the first worst. Cabin Fever: Patient Zero is the following:
- Not directed by Eli Roth.
- Not featuring compelling plot or characters.
- Not super memorable.
I do remember the premise, which is actually not a bad idea – a prequel to the franchise, Patient Zero tracks the virus back to the island from which it originated and tells the story of how the disease got loose in the first place. Dr. Mad Scientist is on an island in the Dominican Republic trying to find a cure for that pesky flesh-eating virus by poking at Sean Astin, who is somehow immune to its effects. I also remember that, at this time, a bachelor party lands on the island to have FUN BACHELOR PARTY TIMES, and predictably they are a bunch of shirtless college-aged dudes with one token hot chick who was invited because she’s ONE OF THE GUYS, which I suppose means “is a female who likes beer and doesn’t mind sexist jokes.” Is it even a horror movie if there’s no tits? I don’t think so. Film students, get at me – it’s not, right?
I also remember that FUN BACHELOR PARTY TIMES are sadly interrupted by Bummer Flesh-Eating Virus Times when two of the Hot People accidentally swim into a pile of fish guts and develop a gross bleedy rash that spreads like a virus, because it is a virus. They all try to find a doctor on the island, and of course Dr. Mad Scientist is the only one, and of course he is preoccupied because his pet virus has escaped and his pet Sean Astin isn’t cooperating and everyone at the lab is falling apart into a pile of flesh chunks.
Which leads us to the best part of this movie – the flesh chunks. Not kidding. The makeup in this film is GUH. RATE. And there is plenty of it. The best parts of the movie are when most of the cast is covered in little nomnoming viruses until their skin starts disappearing and everyone is all bloody and gross and STILL arguing about dumb 20-something white person problems. If you ignore most of the writing, acting, and cinematography, it’s a perfectly enjoyable special effects reel of How To De-Flesh Attractive People While They Fight, which, let’s be real, is at least 70% of the horror film industry, so we might as well recognize when they do a good job of it.
And that’s sort of it. Patient Zero is fairly predictable and feels like a SyFy Original (I’m looking at you, Asylum) and nothing particularly exciting or worth spending a couple hours on, but it also doesn’t claim to be life-changing or noteworthy, just fun and bloody. Not as fun as Cabin Fever, but just as bloody. And really, when you’re drinking a pint of tequila with an umbrella in it, as James B suggests, who gives a shit. Get your friends and your pint glasses and your tiny umbrellas and your cheeseburgers in paradise and enjoy the flesh chunks.