The Rules

My name is Tess, and I like horror movies.

This is where this all begins.

I went to graduate school to study costume crafts, an area of theatrical costume construction that encompasses hats, masks, armor, jewelry, all the cool stuff. (Sorry drapers, I think what you do is hard and boring. I still love you, though.) So my thesis consisted of me building a series of masks and headpieces, as well as a giant tree costume with removable apple tits from which a fuzzy green worm would spring, because I just crack myself up with the sight gags.

This meant that, while my hands were working, I wasn’t writing or doing anything that would so overwork my brains that I couldn’t enjoy a few movies while I worked to help pass the time. (Note: TRICK APPLE TITS TAKE MUCH TIME.) So I went straight to Netflix and started picking out horror movies that would be good enough that I wouldn’t want to die while watching them, but not so good that I would be distracted from my thesis.

Now, I don’t know how many of you are familiar with the Netflix horror section, but it is a minefield. Truly spectacular films are buried in there along with movies that appear to have been shot on an iphone by some shitty kid whose dad happens to be a producer and who has an inordinate quantity of what appears to be ketchup to spray on the naked breasts of some poor actress who is too behind on rent payments to turn down “Diary of a Cannibal: Love What You Eat”. Eventually I got sick of picking and choosing and reading reviews and just decided, fuck it, I’m not giving myself the option.

So I began watching all the horror movies on Netflix in alphabetical order, regardless of what came next. What I discovered were some hilariously bad movies, some hidden gems with titles so stupid they had previously caused me to avoid them, and about a thousand found-footage films that ranged in quality from five stars to I’m-slitting-my-wrists-on-the-edge-of-the-one-star-Netflix-forces-you-to-give-as-a-minumum stars.

And now I’m finally going back to review each of the films I’ve watched in order and to continue to review them as I work my way through the genre.

HERE ARE MY RULES:

1. I am allowed to skip movies I have already seen, movies I plan on saving to watch with friends, and movies that are clearly in the genre of comedy but only set in horror. For example, Buck Wild, “the hilariously horrifying zom com everyone is dying to see” is a COMEDY about zombies. Demon’s Kiss, however, while it features a woman being punched through the head so that the assailant’s fist cheesily emerges from her mouth, is primarily a horror movie that happens to know it can’t accomplish special effects worth a fuck.

2. I know, Netflix is constantly updating its movie supply. I have decided that I am not required to go back and watch all the new movies in letters before me, since there are just as many movies ahead of me that I didn’t get to before they were replaced with new ones. However, I do go back every so often if something good shows up and I don’t want to miss it, but it won’t REALLY count in the alphabet project; that’s just for my own enjoyment.

3. I MUST WATCH THE WHOLE THING. I’m usually working on things while I’m watching these movies, but I am not allowed to watch half of something and call it good, no matter how painful it is. The entire movie must pass before my eyeballs before I can go onto the next feature.

So that is the task at hand. I’ll come back later to write my reviews, starting with 100 Bloody Acres. Wish me luck, kittens.

-Tess

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The Rules

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