11/11/11

You’re going to hear a lot about a production company called The Asylum.

For the record, this is the same production company that came up with 100 Ghost Street: The Return of Richard Speck, which, according to Wikipedia (yes, I am RESEARCHING THIS SHIT FOR YOU because Wikipedia absolutely constitutes research) “Scott Foy of Dread Central rated it 3/5 stars and called it the best found footage film made by The Asylum.” So, just to provide you guys some context, the film that I described yesterday as being worthy of a single Horror at best, is among the highest quality films The Asylum can provide.

Because this is THE ASYLUM’S 11/11/11. Not the Darren Lynn Bousman film 11/11/11 which was a real movie that came out in real theaters and was distributed by real production companies. This is the 11/11/11 that I get to watch third in my intensive horror-viewing project because the universe desperately wants me to turn off the tv and do something with my life.

BUT THE UNIVERSE ISN’T THE BOSS OF ME.

So 11/11/11 is what happens when a young screenwriter-to-be grows up watching The Omen too many times and also grows up to be a not-so-great screenwriter. Because 11/11/11 is a not-so-great The Omen. And when I say “not-so-great,” I mean Satanic ritual with a guy wearing a polyester cloak and sprinkling corn syrup blood everywhere while a lady with her tits out is giving birth to a shitty kid. The shitty kid is born on November 11 and turns 11 on 11/11/11, at which point he will turn into the Antichrist, which is basically a different type of shitty kid.

To be fair, though, this film isn’t HORRIBLE. The collection of bizarre neighbors and community members who have a vested interest in this child turning 11 (FOR REASONS WHICH SHALL REMAIN MYSTERIOUS #hailsatan) is a mildly interesting twist on the kiddy antichrist genre, and I remember being able to watch this movie without actively wondering how much wine I’d have to drink to make it tolerable. You can totally do this on a bottle or less. (I’m probably drunker writing this than you’d have to be watching it.) And it bodes well that, months later, I still remember this movie as not being among the worst experiences in this project. Keep an eye out for fun Satanic grandmas who try to lure the antichrist into their doily-laden homes with cookies. Fun for the whole family!

I give this film….TWO HORRORS.

"You know, it'd be cheaper if he just grew his own horns." "You're right, honey."
“You know, it’d be cheaper if he just grew his own horns.”
“You’re right, honey.”
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11/11/11

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