12/12/12

So if you watched 11/11/11 and are for some reason in love with the idea of shitty low-budget knock-offs of classic horror films, GET EXCITED.

Because where 11/11/11 was the poor man’s The Omen, 12/12/12 is the It’s Alive for people who thought It’s Alive was a bit too high-brow and arthouse.

For the uninitiated, this is a screenshot from It's Alive.
For the uninitiated, this is a screenshot from It’s Alive.

And no, 12/12/12 is in no way related to 11/11/11. Nor is it related to 13/13/13, the next film in the Netflixabet named after a sequential date in the past five years. (I’m just going to pretend that 13/13/13 is a real date and move on.) But without being a sequel to 11/11/11, 12/12/12 is pretty thematically similar, in that it also reminds me that I need to pick up my birth control and then probably snarf them all at once in a desperate attempt to kill my uterus before it kills me.

A baby is born on SPOILER ALERT December 12, 2012, but instead of being a normal baby and ruining its parents’ lives in normal baby ways, it just straight up murders everyone in the room the second it claws its way out of the bloodied and traumatised slip n’ slide that is now its mother’s vagina. Mom lives, somehow, and once all the doctors and nurses are dead, Dad runs in to snuggle up with Mom and Murder Baby, because parenthood is complicated.

Then the cops come in and have a quick chat about all the bodies in the room (my single favorite moment in the entire movie is the silent background stage business of a cop nonchalantly interviewing a nurse IN the bloodsoaked room next to the mangled corpses of her coworkers that are still lying on the floor WHILE the family of the beastspawn cuddles on the hospital bed. Any readers involved in law enforcement can feel free to leave a comment explaining that this is a totally normal and reasonable procedure for a homicide investigation) and then…….more people die? But who really cares? Mom and Dad are young and sexy and boring and Murder Baby’s murders seem to have little to no effect on its hormone-addled mother or even really on the generic homicide detective who wanders around sucking on lollipops because the director of 12/12/12 choses personality traits by random word generator.

I have a vague recollection of all the people Murder Baby kills, but it’s not important. While the stupidity and ridiculousness of the first few minutes is entertaining, the next hour and a half of it just starts to wear on you. It’s not over-the-top bad enough to watch while drunk with your friends, and it’s not good enough….in…..any way. At all. It’s just bad. Bad and lame and dumb and bad. (This is why I am not a real film critic.)

I give this movie…..ONE HORRORS.

I swear Netflix has some good horror movies.

Please don’t leave me.

Also, is this just what babies look like?
Also, is this just what babies look like?
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12/12/12

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