I’m beginning to suspect that The Asylum has some sort of incredibly shady deal with Netflix in which Asylum gets to have their films viewed by an audience of people who assume it can’t be that bad, and Netflix gets some number of blow jobs based on the number of one-star ratings these movies receive.

Yes, 13/13/13 is another Asylum film. The beginning of this project has not been kind to me.

The premise is actually somewhat promising, which makes it all the more disappointing when Asylum has to go and Asylum all over it. After so many leap years, we have accrued a few extra days, or not enough days, or some wrong thing to do with days that I could have paid attention to had the script been any good, and thus we come to some random day in an actual calendar month that SHOULD have technically been the thirteenth day of the thirteenth month of the thirteenth year. And because 13 is an evil number, this is obviously the day when all hell breaks lose and everyone goes completely batshit.

Except those who were born on leap days, who are fine, because mental health is based both on the Roman calendar and on the many ways in which it doesn’t work. But who gives a shit about why everyone has lost their minds, you can’t ask a doctor about your sudden paranoid schizophrenia because OH NO ALL OF THE DOCTORS WERE BORN ON NON-LEAP DAYS. The only normal people we have are one sexy lady and one sexy dude who may or may not want to bang each other! You’ll have to watch the movie to find out! #suspense

Every so often there is a moment of interest in 13/13/13, such as the neighbor’s 12 year old who we once saw playing with chalk on the sidewalk now emotionlessly bashing in the head of a grown man into the concrete, or the leading man’s two friends who are so out of their minds they think they’re in the middle of a war zone. The many creepy and outlandish ways in which the writers decide to make normal civilians go completely and murderously bonkers is somewhat intriguing, but most of the script is up to our two non-homicidal leads.

And the leads are, predictably, hot and boring. Again, it’s ALMOST interesting because Leading Man is trying to find his daughter, who was not born on a leap day, and save her, even though he knows this is likely not possible. But, after all that, most of this movie is spent watching a small handful of good-looking people suck at acting.

Which brings me to the moral of the story, ye olde adage that I heard today on a podcast* about serial killers: if you mix five pounds of ice cream with five pounds of shit, you get ten pounds of shit.

I give this film….TWO HORRORS.

We know it's not chocolate, Asylum.
We know it’s not chocolate, Asylum.

* that podcast is The Last Podcast on the Left, in which a group of three comedians chat about murderers, conspiracy theories, aliens, Satanism, anything dark and weird and creepy. Find them on itunes, if you’re not offended by racism, sexism, gore, disrespecting the dead……okay, find them on itunes if you’re not offendable. I personally give it four horrors.


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