7 Below

Ah fuck, I forgot one.

Pretend this was sandwiched in between 23:59 and 8213: Gacy House.

AH, NOW WE HAVE COME TO THE NUMBER 7! Such order, much remembering, very alphabet.

Except that there’s a good reason I forgot this film exists and that reason is because it is forgettable. But not forgettable in a low budget anonymous Asylum sort of way. 7 Below is forgettable in the way that only truly professional studios can produce when they grab a handful of actors who used to mean something and shove them into the Happy Meal version of a horror movie where the story is the slurry of useless bird corpse parts and cheap additives that you are willing to accept as “chicken” and Val Kilmer is the small plastic choking hazard that resembles a “toy” and somehow makes you decide to think of the whole experience as a meal, if only for the thirty seconds it takes you to eat it before you reconsider.

Sadly, however, 7 Below takes a solid two hours to consume, even though you’re still only convinced that it is good enough for about the first thirty seconds. I guess the rest of it is the Happy Meal McShits you get afterwards. I’m losing track of this analogy. I think I’m saying just don’t watch this movie.

7 Below is about a busload of strangers who are stuck in hurricane conditions and have to abandon the bus to seek shelter in a creepy house kept by a creepy man in a creepy place! Val Kilmer is a guy on the bus. Ving Rhames is the creepy man. Those are the two things that allow you to suspend your disbelief long enough to click play, and then you realise the mistake you’ve made.

It’s not HORRIBLE, it’s just lame and pointless. The busload of strangers find out that a kid killed his whole family in the house and then they find out that the creepy man is creepy and then they turn on each other and then something something reincarnation endless cycle history repeats itself blah blah Val Kilmer’s career. By the end of it you just feel like you’ve wasted a couple hours of your life and you feel kinda bad for everyone involved in making the movie. And then you move on with your life and go on to forget to review it entirely because it was taken off Netflix and now may as well not exist. Eh. Meh.

….TWO HORRORS.

Now let's go back to pretending this is all we know of Val Kilmer.
Now let’s go back to pretending this is all we know of Val Kilmer.
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7 Below

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