Abandoned Mine

Oh god this one.

Welcome to our very first teen scream film! And it starts out with a montage of two high school girls trying on seventy Halloween costumes to some generic pop song, so you know it’s the real deal. Get ready, kids.

Five high school students decide to spend Halloween in ***spoiler alert*** AN ABANDONED MINE where a father killed all his daughters or a family died or was murdered or something. The group consists of Fucking Brad, the football star who makes everyone go to the mine because YOU’RE NOT A BUNCH OF PUSSIES ARE YOU, Fat Kid who is Fucking Brad’s friend and likes to party hard bro, Indian Guy who is a foreign exchange student from India who used to work in a call center and just doesn’t get American jokes isn’t that hilarious!, and Generic Girls 1 and 2, one of whom is Fucking Brad’s current girlfriend (we’ll call her Generic Girl 1) and the other who is Fucking Brad’s ex, and yes, there is no other way to define these generic girls other than by their man, because they are lady women and therefore cannot define themselves.

Fucking Brad drags everyone to the ABANDONED MINE and even encourages them to wear headset cameras because “we can make a film about surviving the ABANDONED MINE!” which is a loose translation of the director’s “people still think these found footage things are trending, right?” And then Indian Guy says some things that are just SO FUNNY because he doesn’t English good, and Fucking Brad and Fat Kid make some call center jokes because that’s all they know about India as their American high school education has let them disastrously down. Generic Girl 1 is beginning to suspect that Fucking Brad wants to get back together with Generic Girl 2 and also both of them are scared of the ABANDONED MINE because they are girls.

Then Fat Kid goes missing. Oh no, it looks like maybe Fat Kid is dead! Oh no, Fucking Brad appears to be dead! I think one of the Generic Girls goes missing too but no one cares which one!

But then……LOL IT WAS ALL A JOKE PUT ON BY FUCKING BRAD. HE MADE AN ELABORATE HALLOWEEN PRANK BECAUSE LOL EVERYONE IS PUSSIES EXCEPT ME, FUCKING BRAD!

Fucking.

Brad.

And then ghosts show up and kill everyone.

So, to recap, stereotypes are funny, high schoolers are dumb, women are dumb, jocks are dumb, fat kids are so fat, foreign exchange students exist purely to be mocked, and ghosts are super murdery. I guess. Also I think one of the Generic Girls went nuts and bit the head off a rat at one point which I remember because I love rats and prefer them with unbitten heads.

I mean….it’s……ugh. Whatever. I’m done now.

ONE HORROR.

Also, this is directly from the film's tumblr page. I....don't have a punchline.
Also, this is directly from the film’s tumblr page. I….don’t have a punchline.
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Abandoned Mine

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