And I’m not talking about my behavior regarding this blog.




Absentia is a film you should very much regret not watching before Netflix took it off instant watch. It also pops up on every 10 Greatest Lovecraftian Horror Films buzzfeed-type list on the internet, if that tells you anything. It is a STUNNING indie horror film, as I am about to avoid telling you in favor of writing a bunch of dick jokes and then giving this movie some number of horrors. (More like some number of DICKS, amirite?)

Absentia is about a woman whose husband has gone MYSTERIOUSLY MISSING, as significant others tend to do in horror movies. Then her drug-addicted sister moves in, and while they struggle to deal with each other, the missing husband MYSTERIOUSLY APPEARS as significant others in horror movies only do when something is kinda fucked up. Drug-addicted sister seems to have a feeling that something’s up, but non-drug-addicted sister is like WHATEVER YOU’RE ON ALL THE DRUGS YO BACK TO PRISON-REHAB FOR YOU. But she doesn’t send her back to prison-rehab because #sistas4lyfe and also because her husband is finally back and goddammit why can’t anything just be normal for once.

And then.



I can’t even really tell you what goes on in this movie because that would ruin it for you. The whole film is on point, from the acting to the pacing to the cinematography. The story is what all the best horror stories are, simple, intimate, and truly unnerving. And it really cements what I’ve always thought about missing persons cases, which is that, if they come back, WHY ARE YOU STILL INTERACTING WITH THEM THEY ARE PROBABLY SOME SORT OF DEMON OR ALIEN OR SERIAL KILLER OR SOMETHING. If you love it, let it go, if it comes back, IT IS LIKELY EVIL OR FUCKED UP IN SOME OTHER WAY OR MAYBE IT’S NOT EVEN THE SAME PERSON DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT??? Have any of you seen the documentary The Imposter? Because you should, because it’s great, and because also it’s about a Spanish con artist who convinces an American family whose young son went missing that he is that son all grown up and looking kinda different and also fluent in Spanish for some reason and they believed him because they were so desperate and even though this was a documentary please imagine if it were a horror movie because WHAT IF HE WAS ALIENS.

I’m just saying. Absentia is a phenomenal horror film and also a warning to all those who have had loved ones missing long enough for them to have been replaced by a soul-sucking killbeast who takes the body of a missing person and then eats you when he gets back because it’s basically either that, or they went through something truly horrific and will never be the same again, or maybe they just wanted to get the fuck away from you and maybe you should leave them alone. Maybe you’re horrible. Do people go missing from you often? Maybe you’re the problem. That’s another thing to consider.


Look, it's a DICKTATER. I did promise.
Look, it’s a DICKTATER.
I did promise.

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