You guys, it’s really hard to review the movies when I actually like them. I’m trying here. Luckily most of the movies are so awful we needn’t worry about such problems, but unfortunately I really enjoyed Aftershock.



Anyway, Aftershock is a natural disaster film set and filmed in Chile, based on an actual 8.8 magnitude earthquake that hit the country in 2010, and since it’s Chile, they were able to film plenty of scenes in locations that were still royally fucked from the quake. So, if you want to save on your scenic budget, I highly recommend filming in a country with plenty of places that can’t afford to rebuild. (Oh hai, FEMA.)

The film starts out with three rich douchebags bouncing around the nightclubs of Chile looking for some SWEET PUSSY, DAWG. They meet up with three hot chicks, because it’s not a good horror movie unless everybody has an equal chance of getting laid, and then they spend about half an hour of film time doing rich douchebag things on their rich douchebag spring break.

Then there’s an earthquake.

(And at this point I should mention that Eli Roth is both acting and writing for Aftershock, so get ready for the violence and gore to be cranked up to eleven.)

What’s great about this movie is that you get to watch these six totally shallow and shitty people have their minds traumatically blown by seeing the cute bartender get crushed to death by the liquor shelf, their best friend almost IMMEDIATELY lose an arm, and by realising that all of a sudden their money and social sway is completely meaningless. Everything they have been taught their whole lives about how to survive is completely ripped out from under them as they watch their world get just raped and pillaged to shit by people who have spent their lives learning how to be douchey in a totally different way. It’s genuinely scary to see the characters’ terror at what may as well be the end of the world, and it makes them so identifiable because, Christ, if I were faced with that kind of destruction, I’d do the same damn thing. (Except I’d also likely die within about four minutes, because if I so much as lost my glasses in the rubble, that would be it for me.) (Though maybe I could have just crawled around the nightclub and drank up all the murderbooze tainted with bartender blood and become a super human from consuming her energy. These kids didn’t think of THAT.)

I found Aftershock to be a complete surprise after the setup of what I assumed would just be a shitty SyFy-style disaster film, and it was genuinely traumatising. Plus I got to put my Spanish minor to use and feel good about not having to look at the subtitulos to understand when people were saying “Oh hey, sexy, just checking your tag. Just what I thought, MADE IN HEAVEN” and when they were saying “OH SHITTING FUCK SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME STUFF MY INTESTINES BACK INTO MY BLEEDING STOMACH CAVITY JESUS CHRIST PLEASE GOD FUCK SHIT FUCKING GOD FUCK.” So if you also speak a little Spanish and have an interest in viewing the complete and utter destruction of both a Chilean city and the collective psyche of a group of privileged twenty-somethings, then this movie is for you.

Which is why I’m giving it……FOUR HORRORS.

And if you don’t have any interest in that and you’re just worried that I’ll never review another total piece of shit, don’t you worry, because Netflix loves you and wants you to be happy and is giving us the miracle of All Cheerleaders Must Die next.

And lo, Netflix said unto them that their backs were gotten, and that thine brothers would come before the hoes.
And lo, Netflix said unto them that their backs were gotten, and that thine brothers would come before the hoes.

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