Alien Origin

I know all those movie reviews where I actually suggest you watch the movie at the end are just such a bummer, so here is another treat from The Asylum to cheaply and clumsily stomp all over another Hollywood horror film, in this case Prometheus, because a movie featuring direction, screenwriting, editing, music, and cinematography all by one guy named Mark will definitely trick Ridley Scott fans into watching it. (Spoiler alert: I am probably the only person outside of the disappointed parents and unfulfilled girlfriend of one Mark Atkins who has seen this movie.)

I also feel it worth mentioning that this film has been referred to as the WORST Asylum film by a reviewer who actually bothered watching Asylum films. (Which is impressive because, as far as I knew, I thought I was the only reviewer who actually bothered watching Asylum films. And I’m only a reviewer in the sense that, in the year 2015, someone who gets drunk and forces themselves and their loved ones to watch terrible movies based on the first letter in the title and then yells about it in caps lock on the internet is considered a “reviewer.”)

First of all…….ugh……jesus christ, it’s fucking found footage. I HATE WRITING ABOUT HOW YOU PEOPLE ARE RUINING A PERFECTLY GOOD GENRE, ASYLUM. PLEASE CUT THIS SHIT OUT SO I CAN GET BACK TO BITCHING ABOUT HOW BAD YOU ARE AT CASTING, WRITING, AND CGI. Jesus fucking tits.

Anyway, ugh, moving the shit on, it’s set in Belize because that’s where jungles are and jungles are convenient because they have plenty of enormous leaves which are good at covering up anything they might otherwise have to construct, costume, or animate. A military group is in Belize doing military things, and they’re accompanied by a team of journalists because journalists have cameras from which Footage can later be Found. So they film a bunch of stuff and some of it is at night which makes it SPOOOOOOKY and there are markings on some trees, and because markings on trees are simply unimaginable in a jungle full of weird plants and animals and bugs and also some people running around destroying shit without realising it, they will likely turn out to be caused by aliens, the only rational explanation.

Then an archaeological team goes missing because oh yeah there’s also an archaeological team. This will also likely be the fault of aliens. They Find some Footage that the head of the archaeological team took, in which he discovers a skull in a cave, which has literally never happened before in the history of everything and therefore must be aliens. Noises are heard, and because this is the jungle, the most silent and empty of landscapes, we assume the noises are caused by aliens.

The military/journalist group then encounters a bunch of……Mennonites….because….ugh. I give up, Asylum. (Yes, I know, there are actual Mennonites in Belize, just…….ugh.) There they Find the woman who took the Footage of the cave skull with the head archaeologist and she tells them IT WAS WEIRD AND DEFINITELY ALIENS.

Then there is one actual shot of an alien ship.

Then they go inside the ship and it looks suspiciously cheap and they steal an artifact and then they have to run away because aliens (off-screen, by the way) don’t like it when you steal their artifacts.

Then there’s a bunch of shots of soldiers getting killed in the jungle and shaky cameras and absolutely no shots of anything expensive whatsoever.

Then it’s the end of the film and an epilogue tells us that Cave Skull was actually only 70% human and that the aliens were the missing link the end.

That’s the movie.

You’re fucking welcome.

….ONE HORROR.

I’m getting another beer.

Thanks for helping me do this thing I've irrationally convinced myself I don't have a choice about!
Thanks for helping me do this thing I’ve irrationally convinced myself I don’t have a choice about!
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Alien Origin

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane

This probably actually comes before All Cheerleaders Die in the Netflix alphabet, but I couldn’t remember if the “the” came into play and I didn’t quite remember which movie this was and verifying this would have required actually going into my viewing history on Netflix and I barely get out a blog post once a week, you guys, at this rate I’ll need an unpaid intern to check up on alphabetically significant articles in movie titles. (Now hiring.)

Either way, All Cheerleaders Die and All the Boys Love Mandy Lane are good partners for three reasons.

  1. They both feature normal girls who turned into Hot Chicks over the summer, because that is a thing that happens. (Please note, my transformation from Awkward Girl who didn’t know how clothes work to Girl Who Now Sort of Knows How Clothes Work and Can Almost Do Her Own Makeup took about a decade and a masters degree specifically in clothing and makeup. The only way this ever actually happens is if late onset puberty decides to slap titties on a girl all at once, and trust me, no one learns what the fuck to do with those things in the space of a couple months. STOP THE LIES, HOLLYWOOD.) (All Cheerleaders Die + All The Boys Love Mandy Lane = “Hollywood”)
  2. They are both movies that take a very dumb teen scream idea and turn it into something kinda interesting.
  3. They both have excessively honest titles.

Because the first thing we see is All The Boys all lovin up on Mandy Lane, who has a Hot Chick name and was therefore bound to become a Hot Chick at some point. She immediately scores the high school equivalent of the lottery where every dollar also comes with a free kitten and a bottle of champagne: an invitation to a pool party from a boy named Dylan. She brings her creepy loser friend Emmet (note: not a Hot Dude name, will never turn into a Hot Dude over the summer) who hits Dylan with a supersoaker right when he was making the moves on Hot Chick Mandy Lane because ughhhh fucking Emmet is a goddamn embarrassment and this is why no one likes you EMMET. Dylan tries to drown Emmet, as is tradition when a teenager is cockblocked by a teenager of a lower caste, but Hot Chick Mandy Lane stops him. Emmet then wanders off to skulk on top of a roof because of course he fucking does, and Dylan follows him because who knows why. Emmet then convinces Dylan that jumping off the roof into the pool would be a super great idea and Dylan then does exactly that because teenagers are idiots. Dylan hits his head on concrete and dies. Of course he hits his head on concrete and dies. Teenaged readers of my blog, please note: getting laid is way easier than you think it is. Do not do any of the things that any teenager in any movie has ever done ever.

Cut to nine months later when every single one of Dylan’s friends has forgotten about him completely and is now friends with Hot Chick Mandy Lane because she is way hotter than Dylan ever was and they all want to put their dicks in her and move them around and stuff, but that’s probably all they want to do because teenagers don’t know how sex works yet. Also everyone hates Emmet. Fucking Emmet.

Hot Chick Mandy Lane has now been invited to a….ranch party? I guess that’s a thing in Texas? A party at someone’s cattle ranch. Way to go, Texas. And because this is apparently like triple pool party cool, she and a bunch of hot dudes and one or two other Hot Chicks head out to a bunch of sweaty, buggy fields full of future burgers. For Fun. (Maybe this is why Texas also confuses Jesus with fun.)

All The Boys end up hitting on Hot Chick Mandy Lane in some respect and a few people end up getting laid by the Other Hot Chicks and various Teen Things happen and then all of a sudden THERE IS A BLACK-HOODED SHOOTER ON THE RANCH. HE IS WEARING A BLACK HOOD AND SHOOTING PEOPLE. He kills a couple people (the ones who had sex, remember your horror rules, Scream fans) and is then revealed to be FUCKING EMMET god dammit stop following Mandy everywhere, you’re so embarrassing. He kills basically everyone except Hot Chick Mandy Lane, and some kid named Garth (Texas) and instead just does creepy things in the ranch house like stroking sleeping Mandy’s hair with his bloody fingers and rearranging fridge magnets because ughhhhhhhhh he’ll seriously never be cool, you guys.

This is where the plot gets all twisty and turny and it becomes somewhat actually good, so I won’t spoil it for you, but I will say that there is a climactic wrestling scene over a machete in a pile of rotting cow carcasses, which is PRETTY METAL, BRO. I do actually sort of recommend this one. It’s not AMAZING, but it is somewhat unexpectedly good, which is more than you can hope from most horror films about high school students. Plus that meat wresting is pretty gnarly. Also it stars Amber Heard as Hot Chick Mandy Lane, and she’s that girl from that thing, so that’s neat.

…..THREE HORRORS.

Like I said, I don't want to spoil the ending with that wrestling scene in just a big pile of meat. A big, sweaty, pile of meat wrestling.
Like I said, I don’t want to spoil the ending with that wrestling scene in just a big pile of meat. A big, sweaty, pile of meat wrestling.
All the Boys Love Mandy Lane

All Cheerleaders Die

Okay, so I may have lied.

First of all, the film was called “All Cheerleaders Die” and not “All Cheerleaders MUST Die,” which I am literally discovering as I write this article. (Though, to be fair, both titles are technically accurate, so I can’t really be blamed for being a Netflixical literalist in intent if not in scripture.)

Second of all, this movie isn’t that bad. It is sort of bad though. It’s “exactly what you think when you hear ‘All Cheerleaders Die'” bad. It’s bad enough for the purposes of this article, I think. If you disagree, then you’re the kind of person who has both 1. watched and 2. enjoyed “All Cheerleaders Die” and therefore you will come off as insane even if it is the truth  and no one will take you seriously, which is exactly how aliens have been getting away with probing human buttholes for CENTURIES, SHEEPLE.

So anyway, “All Cheerleaders Die” starts out with home video of the head cheerleader, Alexis, (show me a head cheerleader not named Alexis and I will show you a girl who has obviously blown her teammate Alexis’ dad so that he would withdraw her from the squad to be replaced by Steffanii because cheerleading is some fucking serious shit and stay away from it, kids, it’s the gateway sport to reality show dancing competitions) HOME VIDEO OF THE HEAD CHEERLEADER ALEXIS who is being thrown into the air by her shitty teammates who then fail to catch her and we watch as she breaks her damn neck and dies because what did I just tell you about cheerleading.

Cut to the beginning of the next school year and Maddy, who was once nowhere near cool enough to join the cheerleading squad team troop, has gotten super hot over the summer and abandons her still-uncool lesbian friend, Leena, so that she can try out for cheerleading. Surprise, Maddy makes the team! And now the squadtroop of cheerers are her bffs and she learns that new head cheerleader, Tracy, is dating the head of the football team, Terry, who was dating Alexis before she died (they did stop dating after she died because this isn’t that kind of film). However, due to some 4th wall-breaking that no one else sees, we learn that Maddy is plotting revenge on Terry for REASONS and that those reasons are super secret.

So then the cheer troopers go to a big feetball party with the feetball players (no one liked me in high school, so I apologise if I am fuzzy on the details of teen socialisation) and they all drink things and attempt to put their mouths on each others mouths while I am at home playing Neopets and doing my physics homework. Maddy convinces Tracy that Terry cheated on her and then Maddy makes out with Tracy and Terry gets mad at this because he is probably gay and then he bans all the foosball players from dating the synchronised shouting team and then he punches Tracy because HE IS A MAN AND THAT IS HIS WOMAN. This somehow leads to a car chase with the entire cheer team in one car and the entire football team in another car (again, if I hadn’t been the only one doing my physics homework, this chase would have had way more vehicles because clown cars are not a thing) and the cheer car is driven off a cliff into a lake and ALL CHEERLEADERS DIE.

ALL.

CHEERLEADERS.

DIE.

Then Lesbo Leena shows up and she drags everyone out of the water because Maddy is the love of her life and she brings them all back from the dead because she is a witch, which you should have known from when I told you she was a lesbian.

When all the undead girls wake up at Leena’s place they discover that they are now all witches, and also a couple of them have switched bodies because at this point, fuck it, why not. They are also all vampire cannibal witches because they need to murder and eat people and drink their blood to stay alive, which they do to some nearby neighbors. Let this be a lesson to all those who live near lesbians. Stay alert, stay alive.

Then they go back to school and start to kill the feetball team and each other or something and it’s all very complicated and many high school girl feelings are felt and WAIT TERRY IS SOME SORT OF DEMON??? TERRY STARTS SUCKING THE LIFE CRYSTALS OUT OF THE CHEERWITCHERS I should have mentioned that they have life crystals and also that Terry is a rapist and actually maybe just watch the movie because I’m not sure how coherently I can explain the titload of supernatural gay bloodsucking teen screams that make up the rest of this movie. All Cheerleaders Die is actually a kind of fun movie if you’re drunk and hate football, which is why I enjoyed it greatly. It’s not necessarily a GOOD movie, but there are certainly worse ways to pass the time than watching a lesbian crystal witch defend her girlfriend from a demon football player by attacking him with a bear trap.

….THREE HORRORS

It's funny because most lesbians want nothing to do with bears.
It’s funny because most lesbians want nothing to do with bears.
All Cheerleaders Die