All Cheerleaders Die

Okay, so I may have lied.

First of all, the film was called “All Cheerleaders Die” and not “All Cheerleaders MUST Die,” which I am literally discovering as I write this article. (Though, to be fair, both titles are technically accurate, so I can’t really be blamed for being a Netflixical literalist in intent if not in scripture.)

Second of all, this movie isn’t that bad. It is sort of bad though. It’s “exactly what you think when you hear ‘All Cheerleaders Die'” bad. It’s bad enough for the purposes of this article, I think. If you disagree, then you’re the kind of person who has both 1. watched and 2. enjoyed “All Cheerleaders Die” and therefore you will come off as insane even if it is the truth  and no one will take you seriously, which is exactly how aliens have been getting away with probing human buttholes for CENTURIES, SHEEPLE.

So anyway, “All Cheerleaders Die” starts out with home video of the head cheerleader, Alexis, (show me a head cheerleader not named Alexis and I will show you a girl who has obviously blown her teammate Alexis’ dad so that he would withdraw her from the squad to be replaced by Steffanii because cheerleading is some fucking serious shit and stay away from it, kids, it’s the gateway sport to reality show dancing competitions) HOME VIDEO OF THE HEAD CHEERLEADER ALEXIS who is being thrown into the air by her shitty teammates who then fail to catch her and we watch as she breaks her damn neck and dies because what did I just tell you about cheerleading.

Cut to the beginning of the next school year and Maddy, who was once nowhere near cool enough to join the cheerleading squad team troop, has gotten super hot over the summer and abandons her still-uncool lesbian friend, Leena, so that she can try out for cheerleading. Surprise, Maddy makes the team! And now the squadtroop of cheerers are her bffs and she learns that new head cheerleader, Tracy, is dating the head of the football team, Terry, who was dating Alexis before she died (they did stop dating after she died because this isn’t that kind of film). However, due to some 4th wall-breaking that no one else sees, we learn that Maddy is plotting revenge on Terry for REASONS and that those reasons are super secret.

So then the cheer troopers go to a big feetball party with the feetball players (no one liked me in high school, so I apologise if I am fuzzy on the details of teen socialisation) and they all drink things and attempt to put their mouths on each others mouths while I am at home playing Neopets and doing my physics homework. Maddy convinces Tracy that Terry cheated on her and then Maddy makes out with Tracy and Terry gets mad at this because he is probably gay and then he bans all the foosball players from dating the synchronised shouting team and then he punches Tracy because HE IS A MAN AND THAT IS HIS WOMAN. This somehow leads to a car chase with the entire cheer team in one car and the entire football team in another car (again, if I hadn’t been the only one doing my physics homework, this chase would have had way more vehicles because clown cars are not a thing) and the cheer car is driven off a cliff into a lake and ALL CHEERLEADERS DIE.

ALL.

CHEERLEADERS.

DIE.

Then Lesbo Leena shows up and she drags everyone out of the water because Maddy is the love of her life and she brings them all back from the dead because she is a witch, which you should have known from when I told you she was a lesbian.

When all the undead girls wake up at Leena’s place they discover that they are now all witches, and also a couple of them have switched bodies because at this point, fuck it, why not. They are also all vampire cannibal witches because they need to murder and eat people and drink their blood to stay alive, which they do to some nearby neighbors. Let this be a lesson to all those who live near lesbians. Stay alert, stay alive.

Then they go back to school and start to kill the feetball team and each other or something and it’s all very complicated and many high school girl feelings are felt and WAIT TERRY IS SOME SORT OF DEMON??? TERRY STARTS SUCKING THE LIFE CRYSTALS OUT OF THE CHEERWITCHERS I should have mentioned that they have life crystals and also that Terry is a rapist and actually maybe just watch the movie because I’m not sure how coherently I can explain the titload of supernatural gay bloodsucking teen screams that make up the rest of this movie. All Cheerleaders Die is actually a kind of fun movie if you’re drunk and hate football, which is why I enjoyed it greatly. It’s not necessarily a GOOD movie, but there are certainly worse ways to pass the time than watching a lesbian crystal witch defend her girlfriend from a demon football player by attacking him with a bear trap.

….THREE HORRORS

It's funny because most lesbians want nothing to do with bears.
It’s funny because most lesbians want nothing to do with bears.
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All Cheerleaders Die

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