This probably actually comes before All Cheerleaders Die in the Netflix alphabet, but I couldn’t remember if the “the” came into play and I didn’t quite remember which movie this was and verifying this would have required actually going into my viewing history on Netflix and I barely get out a blog post once a week, you guys, at this rate I’ll need an unpaid intern to check up on alphabetically significant articles in movie titles. (Now hiring.)
Either way, All Cheerleaders Die and All the Boys Love Mandy Lane are good partners for three reasons.
- They both feature normal girls who turned into Hot Chicks over the summer, because that is a thing that happens. (Please note, my transformation from Awkward Girl who didn’t know how clothes work to Girl Who Now Sort of Knows How Clothes Work and Can Almost Do Her Own Makeup took about a decade and a masters degree specifically in clothing and makeup. The only way this ever actually happens is if late onset puberty decides to slap titties on a girl all at once, and trust me, no one learns what the fuck to do with those things in the space of a couple months. STOP THE LIES, HOLLYWOOD.) (All Cheerleaders Die + All The Boys Love Mandy Lane = “Hollywood”)
- They are both movies that take a very dumb teen scream idea and turn it into something kinda interesting.
- They both have excessively honest titles.
Because the first thing we see is All The Boys all lovin up on Mandy Lane, who has a Hot Chick name and was therefore bound to become a Hot Chick at some point. She immediately scores the high school equivalent of the lottery where every dollar also comes with a free kitten and a bottle of champagne: an invitation to a pool party from a boy named Dylan. She brings her creepy loser friend Emmet (note: not a Hot Dude name, will never turn into a Hot Dude over the summer) who hits Dylan with a supersoaker right when he was making the moves on Hot Chick Mandy Lane because ughhhh fucking Emmet is a goddamn embarrassment and this is why no one likes you EMMET. Dylan tries to drown Emmet, as is tradition when a teenager is cockblocked by a teenager of a lower caste, but Hot Chick Mandy Lane stops him. Emmet then wanders off to skulk on top of a roof because of course he fucking does, and Dylan follows him because who knows why. Emmet then convinces Dylan that jumping off the roof into the pool would be a super great idea and Dylan then does exactly that because teenagers are idiots. Dylan hits his head on concrete and dies. Of course he hits his head on concrete and dies. Teenaged readers of my blog, please note: getting laid is way easier than you think it is. Do not do any of the things that any teenager in any movie has ever done ever.
Cut to nine months later when every single one of Dylan’s friends has forgotten about him completely and is now friends with Hot Chick Mandy Lane because she is way hotter than Dylan ever was and they all want to put their dicks in her and move them around and stuff, but that’s probably all they want to do because teenagers don’t know how sex works yet. Also everyone hates Emmet. Fucking Emmet.
Hot Chick Mandy Lane has now been invited to a….ranch party? I guess that’s a thing in Texas? A party at someone’s cattle ranch. Way to go, Texas. And because this is apparently like triple pool party cool, she and a bunch of hot dudes and one or two other Hot Chicks head out to a bunch of sweaty, buggy fields full of future burgers. For Fun. (Maybe this is why Texas also confuses Jesus with fun.)
All The Boys end up hitting on Hot Chick Mandy Lane in some respect and a few people end up getting laid by the Other Hot Chicks and various Teen Things happen and then all of a sudden THERE IS A BLACK-HOODED SHOOTER ON THE RANCH. HE IS WEARING A BLACK HOOD AND SHOOTING PEOPLE. He kills a couple people (the ones who had sex, remember your horror rules, Scream fans) and is then revealed to be FUCKING EMMET god dammit stop following Mandy everywhere, you’re so embarrassing. He kills basically everyone except Hot Chick Mandy Lane, and some kid named Garth (Texas) and instead just does creepy things in the ranch house like stroking sleeping Mandy’s hair with his bloody fingers and rearranging fridge magnets because ughhhhhhhhh he’ll seriously never be cool, you guys.
This is where the plot gets all twisty and turny and it becomes somewhat actually good, so I won’t spoil it for you, but I will say that there is a climactic wrestling scene over a machete in a pile of rotting cow carcasses, which is PRETTY METAL, BRO. I do actually sort of recommend this one. It’s not AMAZING, but it is somewhat unexpectedly good, which is more than you can hope from most horror films about high school students. Plus that meat wresting is pretty gnarly. Also it stars Amber Heard as Hot Chick Mandy Lane, and she’s that girl from that thing, so that’s neat.