I know all those movie reviews where I actually suggest you watch the movie at the end are just such a bummer, so here is another treat from The Asylum to cheaply and clumsily stomp all over another Hollywood horror film, in this case Prometheus, because a movie featuring direction, screenwriting, editing, music, and cinematography all by one guy named Mark will definitely trick Ridley Scott fans into watching it. (Spoiler alert: I am probably the only person outside of the disappointed parents and unfulfilled girlfriend of one Mark Atkins who has seen this movie.)
I also feel it worth mentioning that this film has been referred to as the WORST Asylum film by a reviewer who actually bothered watching Asylum films. (Which is impressive because, as far as I knew, I thought I was the only reviewer who actually bothered watching Asylum films. And I’m only a reviewer in the sense that, in the year 2015, someone who gets drunk and forces themselves and their loved ones to watch terrible movies based on the first letter in the title and then yells about it in caps lock on the internet is considered a “reviewer.”)
First of all…….ugh……jesus christ, it’s fucking found footage. I HATE WRITING ABOUT HOW YOU PEOPLE ARE RUINING A PERFECTLY GOOD GENRE, ASYLUM. PLEASE CUT THIS SHIT OUT SO I CAN GET BACK TO BITCHING ABOUT HOW BAD YOU ARE AT CASTING, WRITING, AND CGI. Jesus fucking tits.
Anyway, ugh, moving the shit on, it’s set in Belize because that’s where jungles are and jungles are convenient because they have plenty of enormous leaves which are good at covering up anything they might otherwise have to construct, costume, or animate. A military group is in Belize doing military things, and they’re accompanied by a team of journalists because journalists have cameras from which Footage can later be Found. So they film a bunch of stuff and some of it is at night which makes it SPOOOOOOKY and there are markings on some trees, and because markings on trees are simply unimaginable in a jungle full of weird plants and animals and bugs and also some people running around destroying shit without realising it, they will likely turn out to be caused by aliens, the only rational explanation.
Then an archaeological team goes missing because oh yeah there’s also an archaeological team. This will also likely be the fault of aliens. They Find some Footage that the head of the archaeological team took, in which he discovers a skull in a cave, which has literally never happened before in the history of everything and therefore must be aliens. Noises are heard, and because this is the jungle, the most silent and empty of landscapes, we assume the noises are caused by aliens.
The military/journalist group then encounters a bunch of……Mennonites….because….ugh. I give up, Asylum. (Yes, I know, there are actual Mennonites in Belize, just…….ugh.) There they Find the woman who took the Footage of the cave skull with the head archaeologist and she tells them IT WAS WEIRD AND DEFINITELY ALIENS.
Then there is one actual shot of an alien ship.
Then they go inside the ship and it looks suspiciously cheap and they steal an artifact and then they have to run away because aliens (off-screen, by the way) don’t like it when you steal their artifacts.
Then there’s a bunch of shots of soldiers getting killed in the jungle and shaky cameras and absolutely no shots of anything expensive whatsoever.
Then it’s the end of the film and an epilogue tells us that Cave Skull was actually only 70% human and that the aliens were the missing link the end.
That’s the movie.
You’re fucking welcome.
I’m getting another beer.