Almost Human

Every once in a while, a movie comes around that has so little impact on me that I have to double-check Netflix to make sure I actually watched it. Almost Human is one of those movies.

I even noticed that I had stopped watching the movie a little over eight minutes from the ending and thought “maybe that’s why I’ve forgotten it; I didn’t watch the dramatic conclusion!” And then I hit play and it turns out this movie inexplicably has eight full minutes of credits. Eight minutes-worth of people participated in the creation of a film that was so dull that it put me off blogging for almost three weeks purely because I had nothing to say about it. Somebody’s most prominent IMDB credit is a film that is only being written about because I have to in order to get to the next film which is likely either flamboyantly terrible enough or genuinely creepy enough to have remembered at least the title and the experience of having sat near my laptop for the two hours during which it passed across the screen.

Which brings us to the best characteristic of Almost Human: it is a time machine. The experience of watching this film will pass two hours of time so uneventfully that the viewer will only return to reality once the credits begin, having effectively been in a mental hibernation for the duration of the film. You will have no memory of having slogged through the complete averageness that is Almost Human. You will only know that you now exist two hours into the future. Drawbacks: it is a time machine that only goes forward, and only for two hours at a time. And the process of moving forward during that time is fairly painful, even if the credits will trigger the wiping of this experience from your memory. I give it….THREE TIMES.

As for the movie itself, I literally had to read pages of IMDB reviews to even jog my memory as to what the fuck happens in this thing. I remember something about a blue light and something about a beardy guy stomping through the woods killing people. As it turns out, the blue light was aliens and the beardy guy was an abductee, who is now….stomping through the woods killing people…because…..aliens….I couldn’t even read the entire IMDB reviews you guys. It’s that mediocre. It was reviewed as being 80s b-movie bloody (which you think I would have remembered, but apparently even THAT can be fucked up to the point of anonymity) and as having some not great acting and not much plot. And it’s about alien abduction, which is apparently half the A section of Netflix Horror. There.

I give it…..TWO HORRORS. I guess. Probably.

ADDENDUM: Unless……what if this movie so brilliantly mirrors the feeling of having been abducted by aliens that the very ACT OF WATCHING IT allows you to feel as if you have had some sort of terrible experience that you wish you could remember, but was deleted from your brain somehow. The makers of Almost Human have somehow crafted a film that puts you through a couple hours of pain and confusion only to remove the memory of having seen it at all, leaving you with the buried knowledge that SOMETHING HAPPENED, knowledge that can only reappear months later, when something forces the fragments of the event to resurface in your memory. WHAT IF ALMOST HUMAN WAS WRITTEN BY GOVERNMENT AGENTS AS A MEANS TO TEST OUT THE MEMORY-WIPING AND TIME-BENDING POTENTIAL OF A NEW MEDIUM FOR MASS CONTROL, IN ORDER TO DELETE ANY FUTURE ALIEN CONTACT FROM THE MINDS OF THE PAWNS AT THEIR DISPOSAL. WHAT IF ALMOST HUMAN IS A DOCUMENTARY THAT USES THE POWER OF TRUTH TO OVERWHELM THE WEAKENED PSYCHE OF THE AVERAGE CITIZEN INTO SUBSERVIENCE AND DENIAL.

……FIVE HORRORS.

YOU GUYS.
YOU GUYS.
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Almost Human

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