Alien Abduction

Oh GODDAMMIT.

This is supposed to go between All the Boys Love Mandy Lane and Alien Origin. It was taken off Netflix and I forgot about it.

Motherfucker.

The title of this blog is a joke.

Okay whatever, ALIEN ABDUCTION, GUESS WHAT THIS WILL BE ABOUT.

I HOPE IT’S FOUND FOOTAGE.

Alien Abduction is a found footage film about an alien abduction, because art is dead and everyone is a goddamn screenwriter. And it’s a good thing I remember this one, because googling “alien abduction movie” will apparently come up with half the titles on Netflix.

This movie isn’t actually as terrible as it should be. The acting isn’t awful and the plot could be worse. It’s vaguely scary from time to time. It’s just yet another found footage film about a family going fucking camping to connect with each other AGAIN (did anyone’s family ACTUALLY do this??? Do I know a bunch of people who are all normal and well-adjusted because of all the time they spent on long road trips into the woods to go share an eight by eight nylon dome with a handful of sweaty and unshowered people whose connections to you are mostly genetic and obligatory in nature? Please tell me if this was your life. Explain to me how eight hours of trying to pee in a jar in the backseat of a minivan before you and the rest of your parents’ spawn were dragged out to go dangle string at fish and not get eaten by bears made for a healthy family dynamic. MY dysfunctional family stayed at home to not get eaten by bears JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE. AND I AM CLEARLY FINE.)

And of course they get lost in the woods and there are aliens in the woods because this is why you don’t go into the woods ever no matter what. Jesus christ.

There are two things that stick out about this movie and only one of them is good. The good thing the filmmakers did here was come up with a somewhat convincing reason for the found footage to have been recorded in the first place, which is where a lot of these things fall down. No one films their family vacations anymore, unless you’re making a vine, which you are probably doing because the best part of your camping trip is the technology you brought with you because OF COURSE IT IS, everything else just wants to bite you or shit on you. In fact, no one wanders around with a dedicated video recorder for ANY REASON unless there is some specific circumstance that calls for it, which a lot of filmmakers in this genre tend to forget. They’ll just have people taking hours of videos of themselves and their friends FOR TEH LOLS, except no one does that in increments longer than 30 seconds because I’m not willing to watch a youtube video for much longer than that and neither are you.

In this case, the found footage was filmed by the autistic younger son of the family, who uses a video camera as a medium for connecting with the world. He panics whenever it’s taken away from him and he spends long periods of time filming nothing more than flowers moving in the wind or his own sneakers or a blank sky because that is how a child with autism who finds comfort and some sense of clarity through using a video camera might film things. It also means that you’re not necessarily looking at the scary thing that’s happening, which makes the scary thing that much scarier. That’s all it takes to put a twist on the found footage genre, guys. It’s not that hard. These guys even did it in such a way that they didn’t even have to pay the kid that much because he doesn’t even have any lines. And when you’re already using the character of a special needs child as a cheap device to save on filming costs, that’s when you know you’re bound for Hollywood.

The other thing they did was so stupid I’m surprised it wasn’t the shitty lovechild of an Asylum picture and a Syfy original. The film opens with a camera tumbling out of what seems like an alien spaceship, through space, through the Earth’s atmosphere, through the sky, landing on the ground, and flickering static as it sits on the road next to the woods. This is where the footage was supposed to have been found.

….

What.

First of all, gravity in space. Ask Neil DeGrasse Tyson how that works.

Second of all, a shitty camcorder that had been tossed around by an eight year-old its entire life is expected to survive not only the extreme heat and velocity of an uncontrolled atmospheric reentry, but ALSO the 62 miles between the outer atmosphere and the Earth’s surface, then hit CONCRETE, and not only was the camera intact, BUT THE FOOTAGE WAS AS WELL.

Also, why the hell was there a camcorder-sized hole in the spaceship in the first place??? Do these aliens have no need of any particular gas or pressure levels in their environment so they can just open up the window and toss out all their useless human paraphernalia like so many crumpled up Big Mac wrappers? And if these things are so powerful that they literally don’t even need ANY SORT OF ATMOSPHERE TO SURVIVE then why do they even bother being the least bit sneaky about stealing people and their stupid cameras from Earth? They can just stomp around and take shit because THEY DON’T EVEN NEED ANY KIND OF AIR AND CAN SURVIVE IN ANY TEMPERATURE OR ATMOSPHERIC PRESSURE. They probably don’t even need their own organs at that point. They’d just wander around grabbing people and the military would shoot them in the face but JOKE’S ON YOU I DON’T NEED A FACE.

This falling camera bit is not only the first thing you see in the movie, it’s also the last shot used as well, thus creating a shitty bookend of whatthefuckery that made me hate this movie just because WHY. The rest of it was pretty much “not bad” verging on “pretty okay,” but all I ever think about is that stupid falling camera thing because GOD DAMN IS IT STUPID.

Fucking Alien Abduction. You were almost actively good. Ugh.

But now you’re only….TWO AND A HALF HORRORS.

PS: also it occurs to me that both Alien Abduction and Alien Origins should have gone before All Cheerleaders Die AND All the Boys Love Mandy Lane……ugh……jesus christ I have no business writing this thing….

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Alien Abduction

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