Alyce Kills

THIS IS THE NEXT ONE IN THE ALPHABET I REALLY REALLY PROMISE THIS TIME MOSTLY.

And for those of you who enjoy a good creepy-as-fuck retelling of a traditionally creepy-as-fuck story, you may actually enjoy Alyce Kills. And I know what you’re thinking. How could the director of Zombie Strippers! outdo such a masterpiece? But stay with me.

Alyce Kills is a version of Alice in Wonderland in which the descent into madness trends less towards hallucinations of smiley purple cats who just don’t give any fucks about how you’re getting home and more towards drugs, prostitution, and then murdering and dismembering whoever comes to your doorstep. (So basically she’s a street-smart female protagonist who don’t need no man – Disney, take note. This is your next Brave.) (Okay I never saw Brave.) The first half hour of the film is basically a cathartic girl’s night out between Alyce and her best friend Carol Lewis GET IT who are both working dumb middle management-type jobs or something, I’m not really sure what people who have to wear skirt suits and button-downs do. After an uncomfortable company party they get crazy high CAROL LEWIS GET IT and head to the top of the building where Alyce accidentally pushes Carol off the roof and she ends up nearly brain dead in a coma.

Talk about COMING DOWN, EH?

HER NAME IS CAROL LEWIS YOU GUYS DO YOU GET IT.

And this totally breaks Alyce’s fragile little middle management brains and eventually the title of the movie happens. And it is AWESOME. I have great personal affection for slow-moving horror, dark versions of fairytales, and the careful combination of terror and humor, and this film has all three. The deep fucked-up-edness of Alyce Kills is pretty solid and even when the movie lags from time to time (the Mad Hatter character is a drug dealer and BOY does he like to wax philosophical for fucking ever) (don’t worry, the Dormouse still just crashes on the couch and mumbles incoherently, as dormice are wont) the acting, especially on Alyce’s part, is good enough that you’re willing to just kind of watch people do very little for a while. Which is fine, because the next thing that happens will probably be AWESOME and full of body parts. This film really hits all my ooey gooey horror sweet spots and I dun dug it, and I think you will too.

Or maybe you won’t, because you’re one of the whiny imdb people who hates everything. Well fuck you then. I hope nothing is ever good enough for you and that you die in a pile of puppies and kittens that JUST AREN’T SOFT ENOUGH.

DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING CUTER???
DON’T YOU HAVE ANYTHING CUTER???

EDIT: THIS FILM GETS……..FOUR AND A HALF HORRORS.

Motherfucker, I forgot to review the damn movie. WHAT EVEN IS THIS BLOG ANYMORE. Many thanks to faithful reader Veronica who reminded me of how this is supposed to go so that I could panic and throw up a last-minute edit. I need a drink. Goddammit, blogging is hard.

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Alyce Kills

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