First of all, I have been too fucking goddamn tits ass busy to keep this blog going for the past forever so I’m sorry to have denied you the arbitrary scoring metric by which to judge horror movies you will never watch. I love you all. Please come back.
Second of all, I am very drunk.
Third of all, American Mary is the PERFECT example of why I have started this blog.
I was getting sick of reading reviews of movies before watching them in order to tell which ones would be amazing and which ones would make me want to claw my eyes out. And obviously those reviews were not written by me at the time, so they were not as reliable and geniusly wordsed as reviews are in this post-Horror in Order age. But I needed those reviews because holy shit you actually cannot tell a horror movie by its cover as I feel like there is exactly one guy who makes horror movie covers and he just plugs in screaming ladies with big titties and drippy blood-font words wherever he doesn’t feel like watching the movie to see what it’s about. It’s bad. Half the time the cover makes the movie look so bad I just wouldn’t touch it with a ten foot pole because I only have one ten foot pole and what if I don’t want gross B-horror movie goo on it? (They are clearly all covered in goo.) (Please see: The Stuff.)
And that is exactly why I never saw American Mary until I goddamn had to because of the stupid alphabet. The cover makes it look the dumbest. The most dumb. American Mary: The Dumbening. It looks cheesy and cheap and boobs and latex and okay so maybe that sounds pretty good, but…ugh. It looks like low-budget softcore porn with a gore fetish. So I just assumed that was kind of what it was and gave up on it without even taking a second look at the stupid thing.
However, as it turns out, American Mary is actually a pretty good movie. Mary is a med school student studying to become a surgeon and she can’t pay her tuition because no one fucking can and let this be a lesson to the voters of Murrika, this is what happens when education costs more than hiring someone to build you a robot to be learned and accomplished for you and then give you all the profits, and also to program it to be good at sex and make great martinis and also clean the house and now I’m just starting to regret actually going to college instead.
So when, through a series of somewhat traumatising events, she gets the opportunity to start making tens of thousands of dollars by performing extreme and somewhat illegal body modifications, she (eventually) jumps at the chance to not have to take on a shitty part-time job stripping.
Then it gets weird.
I’m going to stop actually summarising the plot there because any more and I’d have to summarise a LOT and ain’t nobody got time for that shit and also you should all actually get out your Netflix machines and start slurping this deliciously creepy thriller through your eyeballs and into your brains. (I have no idea how to write anymore.) The point of this review is mostly to let you know that this film, despite its dumb and terrible cover, is actually worth it. And to inform any aspiring horror directors out there that you should maybe start investing in some decent artwork for your cover and title because holy crap you are all so so bad at it.
…..FOUR AND A HALF HORRORS!!!!
Christ I missed you guys. I need to get better at this.