Get ready, guys. This is the horror movie Hollywood knows we all want.
It’s an American version of a Japanese film….it stars people we are supposed to be excited about because they are famous…..AND IT’S IN 3D.
THREE DEE YOU GUYS.
Apartment 1303 started out as what may have been a good Japanese novel which was turned into what may have been a good Japanese movie, but I will never know that because I watched APARTMENT 1303 3D, and yes, the 3D is part of the title and is the only way to distinguish it from the original in an online search.
I watched this on Netflix.
I rated it on Netflix.
I just read the plot summary on Wikipedia.
And I have NO memory of which movie this is.
After rereading the plot summary, I do soooooooort of have a vague memory of this thing…..but holy crap, all that really jumped to mind when I saw that this was the next title I had to review was “oh right, I think this one was probably shittyish.”
So this blog post shall now be: Things I Sort Of Remember From The Most Boring Horror Movie To Ever Star Mischa Barton
- something about two sisters and a shitty mother. Mom is an alcoholic. (I would be too if both my daughters were in Apartment 1303 3D.) Shitty mom prompts one sister to move into a horror movie apartment because of how drunk she is I guess.
- apartment 1303 is on the 13th floor because duh.
- creepy kid next door tells lady that the person who lived in the apartment before her DIIIIIIIIIED OOOOOOOOOKY SPOOKY
- one sister jumps out the window because ghosts (I have no idea if this is the Mischa Barton Sister or the Not Mischa Barton Sister because that’s how much of an impact Mischa Barton made in this movie)
- other sister moves into Dead Sister’s apartment because even when every occupant of a certain apartment ends in suicide, it’s still a pain in the ass to find a good subletter on Craigslist
- something about a corpse in the apartment
- ghosts, I guess
- I give up.
- Don’t watch this movie
Dread Central gave this thing 0.5 stars. Fangoria gave it 1, generously saying it could be okay if it was supposed to be a made-for-basic-cable movie. But what makes me really sad is that the whole thing was so meh that I can’t even write good jokes about it.
You may have observed that two horrors is more than one horror. You are correct and good at numbers! Here’s the thing….to me, nothing is worse than being mediocre and forgettable. To get one horror, the worst rating on this blog, means you are the WORST. You are the MOST BAD. You have WON AT BEING AWFUL. For something to be that extreme is commendable. If your movie is so notable that it is among the worst things I have ever seen, you should be damn proud of yourself. You SUCK SO HARD. HARDER THAN ANYONE ELSE.
But two horrors…two horrors is not “eh, it was pretty okay but not great”….two horrors is not SO BAD I STARTED THE WHOLE BLOG JUST TO WRITE ABOUT HOW BAD IT IS…..two horrors is just bad. Two horrors is the saddest number of horrors because it means that I have no feelings whatsoever about your film apart from vague disappointment and regret. Two horrors means I have no idea who you are and can’t even remember for sure if I saw your movie or not. Two horrors means you didn’t even TRY to suck the hardest. Two horrors makes kittens cry. Two horrors is the real worst rating on Horror in Order.