The Amityville Haunting

Hey, it’s that good and famous movie about the haunting at Amityville that’s supposed to be all famous and good! Let’s watch it!

Wait, but this is from 2011, not the 70s…

Wait but this is found footage and not even good found footage…

Wait but this is from a production company called Asylum and not from a real production company….

OOOOHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOO.

In their long-standing and horrible tradition of taking something good and ripping it off in the hopes that someone will accidentally confuse it for a watchable movie, Asylum brings us THE AMITYVILLE HAUNTING, which unfortunately comes before The Amityville Horror in the alphabet and therefore means I had to sit through this before getting to some enjoy some beardy James Brolin eyebleach.

I highly recommend you go back and read my reviews of 100 Ghost Street and 8213 Gacy House not only for the brilliantly witty writing that should really be making millions of dollars for the stunningly talented and attractive author, but also because I’m not entirely convinced that I didn’t just watch the same movie three times under different titles.

Because, of fucking course, this movie is 1. an appallingly cheaply produced found footage, 2. based on real murders (the murder of the Defeo family, for the uninitiated, which is crazy enough without the Lutzes coming in and shitting ghost stories all over it) (just fuck this and go watch a documentary about Amityville – I’ll expect you to be fully informed by the time I review the Amityville Horror) and 3. it’s so so bad, you guys. The only difference between this and the shitty Speck and Gacy movies is that, instead of a team of paranormal investigators that goes into the house to purposefully piss off ghosts, this one is about a family that moves into the house and accidentally pisses off ghosts.

Now I’m not victim-blaming.

But.

If you move into a house where you know that a real family was really gunned down by a real murderer, and that the family who moved in after that claims to have been chased out by demons, and that the second family wrote a hugely famous book about it, which was then turned into a hugely famous movie about it, which was then turned into a moderately well-known remake with Ryan Reynolds, and both your realtor and one of your movers dies before you even get the damn couch in the living room…..then fuck you, I’m victim-blaming, you should know better and of course you all goddamn die WHAT DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN oh yeah, spoiler alert, they all fucking die.

Except the youngest daughter because her imaginary friend, John Matthew, is the ghost of the youngest kid in the Defeo family. Which is why you should always befriend ghosts if you’re not going to run away from your terrible real estate investment like you goddamn should at this point. (Also John Matthew is the real name of the real dead kid, so Asylum put at least one google search’s worth of research into this thing. Which is more research then Netflix did when deciding whether or not to acquire this movie, or else I’d like to think I would have been spared all this.)

Anyway, there, that’s the whole movie so you don’t have to watch it now. Family moves into famously haunted house, bad things start happening, family stays because they’re completely sure that there are definitely no ghosts, family is all killed by ghosts. Or demons, I guess, if Ed and Lorraine Warren are to be believed. (Seriously just look this shit up – I have terrible movies to write about, I can’t be bothered summarising famous events in the paranormal community too. Make like Asylum and do a single google search for me.) And just trust me that all of the deaths are boring and dumb and lame and stupid. And, despite having the iconic image of the actual Amityville house on the movie cover, the film in no way features said iconic image of the actual Amityville house because Asylum can’t be expected to just keep their special effects guy rolling in the photoshops, now can it?

…..ONE HORROR.

But get ready for the next post, guys. Because coming up next is our first heavy hitter in the horror genre that somehow made its way to Netflix in between all the Syfy Originals and the big budget Hollywood failures: The Amityville Horror.

aminity
The real horror is late 70s fashion, though.
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The Amityville Haunting

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