The Awakening

You guys.

This is it.

The LAST MOVIE OF THE FIRST LETTER OF MY OVERLY-AMBITIOUS AND POINTLESS PROJECT.

And it’s not even from Asylum.

The Awakening is a British film with an actual budget of some sort and starring actual actors that you may have even seen in other movies, which is a special treat for those of you keeping track at home. It’s even set in 1921 England, which indicates that they had to buy sets and costumes and like hire people to make fancy hats, and you know a horror movie is going to be good if they had to engage a fancy hat-maker. It stars Rebecca Hall as Florence, a professional supernatural hoax buster, which I had been previously unaware was a profession. She goes around Britain like a one-woman Scooby Doo gang, exposing people faking hauntings and seances, until a boarding school approaches her to figure out why the place is so full of dead ghost children. She takes the job because SHE IS A VERY RATIONAL LADY WHO DOES NOT BELIEVE IN GHOSTS.

Spoiler alert: later on she will super believe in ghosts.

At first it looks like the ghost kid may be a prank played by two non-ghost kids, though a child did recently die there after having a fatal asthma attack when a teacher made him stand outside in the dark and stop saying he was seeing ghosts everywhere, because the best way to stop being scared of ghosts is by becoming one. Eventually the school closes for break and only one kid stays behind, a boy named Tom who doesn’t have anywhere to go because nobody actually loves him, fucking Tom.

Now that the school is all empty and creepy, the ghost sightings increase and Florence loses her shit after seeing visions of dead kids, a guy with a shotgun, and after hearing voices calling her by her childhood pet name. Despite clearly being mentally unsound and/or surrounded by the undead, Florence still makes time to flirt with one of the hot teachers because it’s 1921 and she won’t be able to keep up this independent woman shit for very long.

Unfortunately, the creepy groundskeeper (of course there’s a creepy groundskeeper) hates the hot teacher and his success with the womenfolk, what with him being all attractive and war hero-y and having the ability to speak English intelligibly without appearing to be a serial killing rapist n such. Clearly this is therefore the fault of said womenfolk and not of the groundskeeper perhaps needing to brush his teeth more often and maybe speak words instead of growling, so he attacks Florence in the woods and tries to rape her. Florence is having none of that shit, and neither are the ghosts, which I guess have taken a liking to her, so with some weird supernatural assistance, she straight up kills the guy in self-defense. (Second spoiler alert: no one really misses him.)

Florence tells Hot Teacher everything and they hide the body together (though, again, they may as well have put his head on a pike in the front lawn for all anyone gave a shit) (why did this groundskeeper thing even happen, anyway) (stop using rape to cover up lazy story telling, guys) and she tells him not to tell that lonely loser kid Tom what happened with the groundskeeper because she doesn’t want him to be frightened.

BUT RATIONAL AND NON-GHOST-BELIEVING FLORENCE, says Hot Teacher, …..THERE ARE NO CHILDREN AT THE BOARDING SCHOOL RIGHT NOW.

OH SHEEEEEEEEEEEEET

This is where everything goes ass over teacup and is therefore where I’m going to stop talking because, despite Groundskeeper McObviousDevice, it is actually worth watching. The film has a weird dreamy atmosphere, aforementioned fancy hats, and also Imelda Staunton, which is basically enough to get me to watch most things. (Though apparently a challenge from myself to myself is also enough for me to sink hundreds of hours of my life into an alphabetized horror blog, so maybe take that with a grain of salt.)

I give this…….FOUR HORRORS.

And speaking of good foreign movies featuring kids no one wants, the first movie of the B section of this project is going to be….MUTHAFUCKIN BABADOOK BITCHES. So hang onto your tits, because if you don’t want to read a 700 word orgasm about how much I loved that fucking movie then I suggest you find a different blog about every horror movie on Netflix in alphabetical order EXCEPT I AM THE ONLY ONE SUCKAS NOW YOU HAVE TO READ IT OR RISK GOING WITHOUT YOUR WELL-ORGANISED SCARY MOVIE REVIEW OF THE WEEK. (well, “week”) Get ready to dive right into this goddamn alphabet, kids.

10 MDAyLmpwZw==
Which presumably looks like this. Especially the watermarks.

 

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The Awakening

Audrey Rose

No, we are never leaving the 1970s.

Audrey Rose is psychological horror from 1977 and was based on a book, which is like a movie except made out of mashed up bits of wood and you have to keep moving its parts to change from scene to scene and it takes about a thousand times longer to consume. Also only nerds have them.

In fact, last summer I found myself in a godless and internet-free land known as Cooperstown, NY. I had brought my computer to amuse myself, but after working through my steam library for two months, I was out of things to do, for without Netflix there could be no chill. So I wandered out to a used book sale and found a copy of something called “For Love of Audrey Rose.”

“Audrey Rose!” I thought to myself. “This must be the book that that movie I forced myself to watch was about! What luck that it was bad enough that someone read it once and immediately abandoned it.”

So I bought it and took it home and immediately took to reading. And it took me about fifty pages of confusion to figure out that this was, in fact, the SEQUEL to that movie I forced myself to watch. And also that the author behind both books apparently avoided writing about the happening of things altogether and just focused on characters thinking things very hard, and also having feelings about stuff, which was…..ughhhhh.

My point is, I now know way too fucking much about a mediocre book series that spawned a mediocre movie that I only watched because of this stupid project that I’m only doing because oh dear god I am such a very sad human being.

FUCKING APPRECIATE MY EFFORTS.

Anyway, Audrey Rose is about a 10 year-old girl named Ivy being stalked by a young Anthony Hopkins (wait, really? I need to pay more attention when I’m watching these things) and for some reason Ivy’s parents are somewhat perturbed over an adult male following and staring at their young child. Mom confronts Hopkins and discovers that he is convinced that Ivy is the reincarnation of his daughter, AUDREY ROSE, who died in a tragic car accident two minutes before Ivy was born, which I assume was not Mom’s first guess.

Dad is not having this bullshit and hires a lawyer to try to catch Anthony Hopkins doing something weird, which he immediately does by breaking into Ivy’s house to talk to Mom while both Dad and lawyer are away, because that is the best way to ingratiate yourself to the family of the child you’re sort of trying to steal.

Mom is understandably pissed until Anthony Hopkins actually says the name AUDREY ROSE, at which point Ivy flips her fucking shit and starts banging on the windows and screaming about being hot until Hopkins holds and comforts her. And, even though the windows she was pounding her fists on were cold, HER HANDS WERE BUUUUUURNED. AS IF BY THE WINDOWS OF A FIERY CAR WRECK FROM A PAST LIIIIIIIFE. OOOOOOOOOOOOKY SPOOKY.

Ivy starts having some pretty serious nightmares and can only be calmed by Anthony Hopkins, who seems to think this is a pretty good excuse to abduct the kid and try to…unreincarnate her? I’m not clear on what exactly he thought he was going to do here, but I’m waiting to see a news article in which the “reincarnated dead kid” excuse is given to explain why you have a stolen 10 year-old in your attic. (It’ll happen.) (Probably in Florida.)

Dad and Lawyer are Definitely Not Having This Bullshit At All and decide they will use SCIENCE to prove that Ivy is not a reincarnated car wreck victim from the late 60s, because that is a thing that science can do? Anthony Hopkins thinks this will destroy his daughter and also their daughter, because they are the same daughter. Mom cries a lot. Ivdrey Rose goes insane. Doctors kinda shrug and plug her into machines, because this is how they science.

Is Ivy actually Audrey Rose? Can science prove or disprove reincarnation?? Will Mom stop crying and do something useful??? Is Dad an asshole and is Anthony Hopkins very British indeed????

The answers are yes, no, no, yes, and yes. The kid has a burning-alive-in-a-car-type fit and dies, the end.

And then, apparently FOR THE LOVE OF GODDAMN AUDREY ROSE HAPPENS, in which everyone goes to India and has a bunch of sads and ughhhhhhhhhhh. The movie is not terrible, mostly thanks to Anthony Hopkins, and the idea of what happens when you find a dead loved one in the body of someone else’s loved one is interesting, but I have literally summarized all three of the things that happen in this movie and the rest of it is FEEEEEELIIIIIIINGS.

I give it…….THREE HORRORS.

hannibal-hopkins
Mostly because this is the man trying to befriend a 10 year-old girl.

 

Audrey Rose