Audrey Rose

No, we are never leaving the 1970s.

Audrey Rose is psychological horror from 1977 and was based on a book, which is like a movie except made out of mashed up bits of wood and you have to keep moving its parts to change from scene to scene and it takes about a thousand times longer to consume. Also only nerds have them.

In fact, last summer I found myself in a godless and internet-free land known as Cooperstown, NY. I had brought my computer to amuse myself, but after working through my steam library for two months, I was out of things to do, for without Netflix there could be no chill. So I wandered out to a used book sale and found a copy of something called “For Love of Audrey Rose.”

“Audrey Rose!” I thought to myself. “This must be the book that that movie I forced myself to watch was about! What luck that it was bad enough that someone read it once and immediately abandoned it.”

So I bought it and took it home and immediately took to reading. And it took me about fifty pages of confusion to figure out that this was, in fact, the SEQUEL to that movie I forced myself to watch. And also that the author behind both books apparently avoided writing about the happening of things altogether and just focused on characters thinking things very hard, and also having feelings about stuff, which was…..ughhhhh.

My point is, I now know way too fucking much about a mediocre book series that spawned a mediocre movie that I only watched because of this stupid project that I’m only doing because oh dear god I am such a very sad human being.

FUCKING APPRECIATE MY EFFORTS.

Anyway, Audrey Rose is about a 10 year-old girl named Ivy being stalked by a young Anthony Hopkins (wait, really? I need to pay more attention when I’m watching these things) and for some reason Ivy’s parents are somewhat perturbed over an adult male following and staring at their young child. Mom confronts Hopkins and discovers that he is convinced that Ivy is the reincarnation of his daughter, AUDREY ROSE, who died in a tragic car accident two minutes before Ivy was born, which I assume was not Mom’s first guess.

Dad is not having this bullshit and hires a lawyer to try to catch Anthony Hopkins doing something weird, which he immediately does by breaking into Ivy’s house to talk to Mom while both Dad and lawyer are away, because that is the best way to ingratiate yourself to the family of the child you’re sort of trying to steal.

Mom is understandably pissed until Anthony Hopkins actually says the name AUDREY ROSE, at which point Ivy flips her fucking shit and starts banging on the windows and screaming about being hot until Hopkins holds and comforts her. And, even though the windows she was pounding her fists on were cold, HER HANDS WERE BUUUUUURNED. AS IF BY THE WINDOWS OF A FIERY CAR WRECK FROM A PAST LIIIIIIIFE. OOOOOOOOOOOOKY SPOOKY.

Ivy starts having some pretty serious nightmares and can only be calmed by Anthony Hopkins, who seems to think this is a pretty good excuse to abduct the kid and try to…unreincarnate her? I’m not clear on what exactly he thought he was going to do here, but I’m waiting to see a news article in which the “reincarnated dead kid” excuse is given to explain why you have a stolen 10 year-old in your attic. (It’ll happen.) (Probably in Florida.)

Dad and Lawyer are Definitely Not Having This Bullshit At All and decide they will use SCIENCE to prove that Ivy is not a reincarnated car wreck victim from the late 60s, because that is a thing that science can do? Anthony Hopkins thinks this will destroy his daughter and also their daughter, because they are the same daughter. Mom cries a lot. Ivdrey Rose goes insane. Doctors kinda shrug and plug her into machines, because this is how they science.

Is Ivy actually Audrey Rose? Can science prove or disprove reincarnation?? Will Mom stop crying and do something useful??? Is Dad an asshole and is Anthony Hopkins very British indeed????

The answers are yes, no, no, yes, and yes. The kid has a burning-alive-in-a-car-type fit and dies, the end.

And then, apparently FOR THE LOVE OF GODDAMN AUDREY ROSE HAPPENS, in which everyone goes to India and has a bunch of sads and ughhhhhhhhhhh. The movie is not terrible, mostly thanks to Anthony Hopkins, and the idea of what happens when you find a dead loved one in the body of someone else’s loved one is interesting, but I have literally summarized all three of the things that happen in this movie and the rest of it is FEEEEEELIIIIIIINGS.

I give it…….THREE HORRORS.

hannibal-hopkins
Mostly because this is the man trying to befriend a 10 year-old girl.

 

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Audrey Rose

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