The Awakening

You guys.

This is it.

The LAST MOVIE OF THE FIRST LETTER OF MY OVERLY-AMBITIOUS AND POINTLESS PROJECT.

And it’s not even from Asylum.

The Awakening is a British film with an actual budget of some sort and starring actual actors that you may have even seen in other movies, which is a special treat for those of you keeping track at home. It’s even set in 1921 England, which indicates that they had to buy sets and costumes and like hire people to make fancy hats, and you know a horror movie is going to be good if they had to engage a fancy hat-maker. It stars Rebecca Hall as Florence, a professional supernatural hoax buster, which I had been previously unaware was a profession. She goes around Britain like a one-woman Scooby Doo gang, exposing people faking hauntings and seances, until a boarding school approaches her to figure out why the place is so full of dead ghost children. She takes the job because SHE IS A VERY RATIONAL LADY WHO DOES NOT BELIEVE IN GHOSTS.

Spoiler alert: later on she will super believe in ghosts.

At first it looks like the ghost kid may be a prank played by two non-ghost kids, though a child did recently die there after having a fatal asthma attack when a teacher made him stand outside in the dark and stop saying he was seeing ghosts everywhere, because the best way to stop being scared of ghosts is by becoming one. Eventually the school closes for break and only one kid stays behind, a boy named Tom who doesn’t have anywhere to go because nobody actually loves him, fucking Tom.

Now that the school is all empty and creepy, the ghost sightings increase and Florence loses her shit after seeing visions of dead kids, a guy with a shotgun, and after hearing voices calling her by her childhood pet name. Despite clearly being mentally unsound and/or surrounded by the undead, Florence still makes time to flirt with one of the hot teachers because it’s 1921 and she won’t be able to keep up this independent woman shit for very long.

Unfortunately, the creepy groundskeeper (of course there’s a creepy groundskeeper) hates the hot teacher and his success with the womenfolk, what with him being all attractive and war hero-y and having the ability to speak English intelligibly without appearing to be a serial killing rapist n such. Clearly this is therefore the fault of said womenfolk and not of the groundskeeper perhaps needing to brush his teeth more often and maybe speak words instead of growling, so he attacks Florence in the woods and tries to rape her. Florence is having none of that shit, and neither are the ghosts, which I guess have taken a liking to her, so with some weird supernatural assistance, she straight up kills the guy in self-defense. (Second spoiler alert: no one really misses him.)

Florence tells Hot Teacher everything and they hide the body together (though, again, they may as well have put his head on a pike in the front lawn for all anyone gave a shit) (why did this groundskeeper thing even happen, anyway) (stop using rape to cover up lazy story telling, guys) and she tells him not to tell that lonely loser kid Tom what happened with the groundskeeper because she doesn’t want him to be frightened.

BUT RATIONAL AND NON-GHOST-BELIEVING FLORENCE, says Hot Teacher, …..THERE ARE NO CHILDREN AT THE BOARDING SCHOOL RIGHT NOW.

OH SHEEEEEEEEEEEEET

This is where everything goes ass over teacup and is therefore where I’m going to stop talking because, despite Groundskeeper McObviousDevice, it is actually worth watching. The film has a weird dreamy atmosphere, aforementioned fancy hats, and also Imelda Staunton, which is basically enough to get me to watch most things. (Though apparently a challenge from myself to myself is also enough for me to sink hundreds of hours of my life into an alphabetized horror blog, so maybe take that with a grain of salt.)

I give this…….FOUR HORRORS.

And speaking of good foreign movies featuring kids no one wants, the first movie of the B section of this project is going to be….MUTHAFUCKIN BABADOOK BITCHES. So hang onto your tits, because if you don’t want to read a 700 word orgasm about how much I loved that fucking movie then I suggest you find a different blog about every horror movie on Netflix in alphabetical order EXCEPT I AM THE ONLY ONE SUCKAS NOW YOU HAVE TO READ IT OR RISK GOING WITHOUT YOUR WELL-ORGANISED SCARY MOVIE REVIEW OF THE WEEK. (well, “week”) Get ready to dive right into this goddamn alphabet, kids.

10 MDAyLmpwZw==
Which presumably looks like this. Especially the watermarks.

 

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The Awakening

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