The Babadook

FUCK YEAH.

HERE WE GO.

If you have not yet seen The Babadook, put down your goddamn blogs and get out your Netflixes because you have some shit to see. If you’ve seen it and you didn’t like it, get the hell out because you are objectively wrong. If you’ve seen it and you loved it, FUCK YEAH READ ON BITCHES.

This film scratches all my horror itches. It’s got a small and incredibly talented cast. It’s got a slow build, but isn’t boring. It’s got action, but not so much that you lose suspense. It’s got fucking BEAUTIFUL artwork and a fairy tale feel. It makes viewers understand why I never want children. And everyone in it has a sexy accent.

Filmed in Australia, the film stars Essie Davis (SWOON SHE IS GREAT) as Amelia, a young and still grieving widow with the shittiest 6 year-old imaginable. Even if you like kids as a general rule, you will want to sell this one for black market organs. He has a vivid imagination and believes himself to be surrounded by monsters, causing him to build some fairly creative weaponry with which he destroys the house and endangers his mother, the dog, and classmates, leading to him being pulled out of school for being a whiny little psychopath.

One night the shitty kid wants a goddamn book read to him but NOT THAT ONE I WANT A DIFFERENT ONE BECAUSE I AM A GIANT PIECE OF SHIT so he hands Amelia a new book called Mister Babadook which neither of them have seen before.

Please note: this book is GORGEOUS. They even made a 600 copy limited run of them for sale in actual real life, but I missed out because B is apparently too far down the alphabet for me to get to it in time. Look up the book if nothing else, though. It’s illustrated by Alex Juhadsz and I would happily put every single page up on my wall, which is another reason I should never have children.

Anyway, the book turns out to be a very dark pop-up book about a strange monster named the Babadook who watches you while you sleep and torments you until he can take over your body. Obviously this upsets the shitty child and makes him shittier than ever, acting out even more and blaming everything, from strange occurrences around the house to pushing his cousin out of a treehouse, on the Babadook. Eventually Amelia can’t take it anymore and she destroys the book and takes the kid to the doctor to put him on some sort of muscle relaxants or something just to get him to shut the hell up and go to sleep.

And it is then that Mister Babadook returns….

…AND I CAN’T EVEN SAY ANYTHING ELSE BECAUSE HOLY CRAP FUCKING WATCH IT THIS THING GOT A 98% ON ROTTON TOMATOES.

Even if you’re not partial to horror movies, The Babadook is incredibly affecting and enjoyable. It’s scary, and it will stay with you, but mostly because of how freaking good it is rather than because you are traumatized and see Babadooks everywhere. It doesn’t rely on gore or jump scares to create a sense of dread, and the unflinching look at how goddamn hard and shitty both grief and motherhood can be is refreshing in this genre. The Babadook itself is brought to life by dark and jerky stop-motion and the sound design of his movements is incredible. Every aspect of this film was thoughtfully and exquisitely designed and I cannot recommend it highly enough.

And, as a final note, this is the first time I have ever seen an adult hide from something by diving under the covers in a horror movie. This pleases me greatly, because this is EXACTLY WHAT I WOULD DO. When I am alone in the dark in bed and I am dead sure there is a serial killer coming to get me, I freeze, sneak under the covers, and pretend to be asleep, because as long as every part of my body is covered in blankets, the serial killer cannot get me. And if I let my feet extend from the bottom of the bed, I know for a fact that a monster hand would come up and grab them unless they are completely wrapped in blankets, as blankets are monster kryptonite. I am so sick of seeing people in horror movies hear something odd and go investigate, when YOU KNOW that if you’re in bed half-asleep and you hear something creepy or see something out of the corner of your eye, your only real instinct is to be in bed harder. 

All told…….FIVE FUCKING HORRORS.

ALL OF THEM.

A FIVEGASM OF HORRORS.

I don’t even care what movie is next, this blog has done the sweet sweet horror lord’s work if it gets one single person to watch this film. I’m going to have some wine and ice cream and see if I can’t get my hands on that book somehow….

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SPLOOSH.
The Babadook

The Awful Dr. Orloff

……motherfucker.

OKAY, LAST HORROR MOVIE OF THE LETTER A EXCEPT ACTUALLY THIS TIME.

And to prevent this from happening in the future, I have compiled an alphabetized list of all the B movies I have watched for this project so that I WILL NOT FORGET OR SKIP THEM.

Goddammit.

Okay.

THE AWFUL DR. ORLOFF.

Is a Spanish horror film from way way back in 1962, which you may recognise as one of the many un-fun times to be in Spain. It is also considered to be the very first horror movie to come out of Spain, which may explain why it’s terrible.

First of all, the director, Jesus Franco (not that Franco), was concerned that it would be blocked by Spanish censors, considering it had things like BLOOD and BOOBS, so he had to censor all the cool shit out into a non-directors cut version before it even got to them, releasing the bloody booby version separately. He was also pressured not to hurt Spain’s reputation by producing something so violent, so he….kept the violence and set it in France.

(Sorry, France.)

What resulted was the aptly named Awful Dr. Orloff, originally premiering in Spain as Gritos en la Noche, then L’horrible Dr. Orlof in France, then the Demon Doctor in the UK, before it came to the US on a double bill with the Horrible Dr. Hitchcock, because if you can’t make a good movie, you can at least make a half dozen titles for it so no one will know.

The Awful Dr. Orloff is about a mad scientist who forcibly procures skin grafts for his disfigured daughter by murdering a shitload of sexy ladies, with the help of his creepy blind henchman. There is, of course, a bumbling detective who gives the case a good college try until his fiance has to step in and pose as a cabaret dancer (“has to”) in order to figure out just which of Paris’ mad scientists keeps kidnapping and disassembling busty young women across the city. Unfortunately the fiance looks exactly like Dr. Orloff’s daughter, so the temptation to rip her face right off is greater than ever! Will the detective catch his man??? Will his fiance have a face??? Will the daughter have a face??? WILL DR. ORLOFF BE AWFUL???

The answer to that last one is very yes. But it’s not just awful. It’s amazingly awful. The director himself admits to having written the story line in “about a minute” and what it lacks in plot, it definitely makes up for in titties. Surgery on a naked lady? We’re lookin at her titties. Clothed lady tries to escape? Her top falls off so we can see her titties. Person has titties? We will see those titties fo sho. It’s classic pulpy, comic booky, grotesque horror, dubbed hilariously badly into English and sprinkled with an abundance of titties. TITTIES. So while I would hesitate to call it “good,” I would drunkenly call it “great.”

This film gets the very best…….ONE HORROR.

And next time I fucking promise I will tell you about a movie starting with a different letter.

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whatever.

 

The Awful Dr. Orloff