First of all, fuck.
Let’s pretend I have been recently sucked into a singularity in which two earth months are but a single week for me and that explains why it SEEMS as though I have not been keeping up with my blog even though really it is your fault for not understanding how time works in this particular singularity which condenses specifically the time between May 29th and July 30 into a time during which it would be much more reasonable to have neglected to write a blog.
Now let’s pretend that I am going to keep this going so that I publish a post every earth week or so and that I won’t just play a bunch of drunken video games in my spare time instead of keeping up with my blog, Horror in Order, which is a thing I will be keeping up.
Hey, remember Will and Grace? (That was a show from the late 90s, which sure makes May 29th sound relatively recent, huh? You fuckers? YOU try writing a blog when your boyfriend moves in with you and then Battlebots starts its second season and then it’s his birthday, and your birthday, and Pokemon Go comes out, and then it’s Comic Con and I AM REALLY SORRY YOU GUYS I FEEL LIKE I HAVE LET DOWN BOTH THE HORROR GENRE AND THE ALPHABET I WILL MAKE IT UP TO YOU SOMEHOW I PROMISE.) I mention Will and Grace because Eric McCormack, who played Will, is the lead in Barricade, and that is really the only connection I can make for this movie to anything you may have heard of. It’s also, according to IMDB, “the first movie produced by WWE Studios that does not star a wrestler in any role” so…..there’s that. I hope you’re super into WWE Studios and not particularly into wrestlers, I guess.
As is depressingly common with this blog, I take a hiatus and then come back to a movie that is spectacularly meh. Barricade is a perfectly run-of-the-mill cabin in the woods horror film. With a couple of kids. And Will from Will and Grace. It’s…..fine. Will from Will and Grace is married to a nice lady and has some children he’s not super close to because he’s a shitty father, and then the nice lady up and dies before she gets to go on that trip to the cabin in the woods she’s always dreamed of returning to. So Will from Will and Grace takes his kids that he doesn’t like too much out to the cabin in the woods, which is actually A GIANT FUCKING HOUSE IN THE WOODS. Where the fuck was this family living that they consider a giant two-story building with a foyer and multiple bedrooms to be a shack worthy of sticking in the middle of Shitfuck, Nowhere to visit once every goddamn decade or so? I will never be able to afford to live in anything anywhere nice enough that Will from Will and Grace would be able to consider it a “cabin.”
Will from Will and Grace drags his two children out to his SPARE MANSION in an effort to force them to love him, but of course everyone immediately comes down with the flu because that’s what happens when you take a family that I guess lived in a palace somewhere warm and free of nature out to a place with trees and snow and colorful locals. Over the first couple of days, everyone develops an intense fever, and Will from Will and Grace starts washing down shitloads of Xanax with whiskey to get some sleep, because I guess his wife must have been the one in the family who knew about Nyquil.
Stunningly, under the effects of Xanalcohol, Will from Will and Grace starts to feel a little weird. A snow storm hits while the family is sleeping off their medicinal bender and now they are trapped in their “cabin” until the weather clears. And of course, now that they’re all drugged up and isolated, everyone starts seeing some spooky shit (read: mild jump scares) and, hallucinating and paranoid, Will from Will and Grace BARRICADEs them all into the house to keep the spooky shit from getting them. But is the spooky shit real? Will everyone survive the combination of influenza and the heinous misuse of prescription drugs? Will the children love Will from Will and Grace as much as they loved their dead mom, who we see in WAY too many flashbacks?
You can watch the movie yourself to find out, if you want, because it’s not terrible and it’s only 75 minutes long, but you don’t really have to because, if you’ve ever seen a horror movie ever, you’ve basically seen this movie. It’s done reasonably well for being on a low-budget (Suckas, WWE Studios pity the fool “producers,” brother, GIVE ME A HELL YEAH WWE STUDIOS WILL RUN WILD ON YOU) (I have a passing familiarity with The Wrestling) and Will from Will and Grace does a fairly convincing job of playing the drug/alcohol/fever-addled asshole violently defending his kids he never interacted with from the spooky shit he’s convinced is out there, and the film does sweep you up in his psychosis decently well. The only problem is that the whole thing is pretty predictable and it’s just like every other middle of the road horror film that can hold your attention okay for maybe an hour or so if you happen to catch it playing on tv, but when it’s done you just kind of shrug and go on with your life and forget you ever saw it. It’s good, but not memorable.
I give this…..THREE HORRORS.
And I give my blogging……ZERO HORRORS ONLY SAD FACES.
I promise you I will have another installment next week, AND THAT IS THE BOTTOM LINE BECAUSE STONE COLD HAS SAID IT TO BE SO.