HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS IT’S MUTHAFUCKIN SPOOKY SEASON!!!
Okay, so I’m a month late. I had a giant commission and got very sick, so the whole of October was just dayquil and faux fur and I missed it. I didn’t even get to dress up (though I did wear my Ted Cruz Was The Zodiac Killer shirt because THE REAL MONSTER IS THE 2016 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION AND IT’S CALLING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE). But, to make up for my complete absence during the Most Wonderful Time of the Year, I have set myself a rather serious and ambitious challenge.
To participate, a month late, in the 31 Days of Horror.
Well actually it’s going to be 29 Days of Horror, because November is a 30 day month and it’s already the second, but you know what, fuck you, write your own blog all on a regular schedule and shit, SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT. (Please don’t leave me, I only have twelve readers and I need you all.)
So today, we begin with BAY OF BLOOD. Bet you can tell how this is going to go.
Bay of Blood is from 1971, and it’s exactly what you think it is.
FULL OF BLOOOOOOOD.
Bay of Blood was first titled, in Italian, Stench of Flesh (hell yeah), then Thus Do We Live To Be Evil (wait what), then Before the Fact (wut), THEN The Ecology of Crime (no), and ultimately Chain Reaction, which is a title that makes sense. In America, we decided it hadn’t had enough titles yet, so we went with Carnage (cool), then Twitch of the Death Nerve (????), and finally Bay of Blood. But not JUST Bay of Blood, it was ALSO released as Last House On The Left Part 2 (THE FUCK???) AND New House On The Left (ALSO THE FUCK???), which would be like calling Game of Thrones “Lord of the Rings Again But Not At All,” if Game of Thrones actually came out the year before Lord of the Rings did because Bay of Blood PREDATES Last House on the Left but whatever, you do you, Murrica. Then the UK got its hands on it as Bay of Blood and banned it, prompting it to be rereleased on video as Blood Bath, which was also immediately banned because you can’t trick the United Kingdom that easily (lol brexit).
ANYWAY after all that, Bay of Blood, from Italian director Mario Bava, is regarded as one of the most influential films in the slasher genre, as well as being notable for its sheer quantity of blood. The film centers around a group of shitty people all killing each other to try to inherit a mansion on a bay.
Now please note as I describe the plot to you that this film was among the very FIRST films to do all of this. So while it sounds done to death now, at the time it was pretty shocking and inspired basically every slasher flick to come. So you have Mario Bava to thank/blame for:
-a double murder in the first like five seconds of the film – a wheelchair-bound countess (of course) is strangled by her husband, and then the husband is stabbed to shit like IMMEDIATELY. A very fake suicide note is left behind and the count’s body is dragged away and goes missing because what do Italian homicide detectives know (lol Amanda Knox).
-shitty teenagers coming to check out a murder mansion. Also yes, it is two boys and two girls, which means:
-shitty teenagers skinny dipping at the beach and having sex at the murder mansion. And:
-shitty teenagers being brutally murdered while skinny dipping at the beach and having sex at the murder mansion. This film gets bonus points for having the killer skewer the two sex-having kids in a single stab! Also notable, shitty teens finding a dead body while skinny dipping, and then immediately being killed, which is essentially the basis of all the Sharknado films, but with stabby stabbers in the place of sharks. (Asylum, let me know when you want to make Stabnado, I will do all your PR.)
From there on out, it’s all just a mess of the aforementioned killer conspiring with family for ownership of the bay and the mansion, stabbity stabbing everyone in the way, and getting stabbity stabbed by other secret family members who want the blood-soaked bay all to their damn selves. It’s a kind of wonderful clusterfuck of literal backstabbing and the ending is actually pretty great, if you like early 70s batshittery, and who doesn’t. And the blood. Oh the blood. The budget on this thing was probably about $20, and damned if they didn’t spend $19 on blood.
And it was $19 well-spent, as Bay of Blood did win a few awards for special effects! It’s actually a pretty fun film, and the weird 70s Italian vibe makes it perfect for watching with friends and drinks and shouting loudly whenever anyone is killed in the face, which happens about every six minutes.
I give it a solid………….THREE AND A HALF HORRORS!!!
But hey you guys, are you sad that this review is over? Are you? Do you miss it already?
WELL FRET NOT I AM WRITING MORE TOMORROW I SWEAR THIS TIME I REALLY PROMISE I DO, so get ready for a full month of all the horror movies I didn’t get to watch and write about in October. Which makes this Stabvember? Bloodvember. NovemBOO. NOOOOOOOOOOOvember. Okay, I’ll come up with something.