The Bell Witch Haunting

Nope.

Nope nope nope.

This is a movie that is not good and do not watch it.

Now the Bell Witch is an actual thing in the town of Adams, Tennessee and it’s huge in southern folklore – apparently she’s a dead lady named Kate who is a poltergeist or a witch or a murderer and not only has she been terrorizing (read: mildly annoying in a spooky way) the Bell family for several generations going back to 1804, she has also inspired a number of very very very dumb movies, this one included.

It’s found footage, because of course it is, and it is made with all the thought and attention to detail of a high school group project that’s due in three hours and also everyone is stoned and a taco truck just pulled up. The basic plot centers around a family that moves into the Bell farm house without ever having heard of its incredibly famous haunting, and it opens with a dumb kid getting a camera for his birthday, hence the found footage. I’m sorry, but this movie was from 2013, which is a year when people DEFINITELY had video cameras on their phones and this trope MAKES NO SENSE ANYMORE BECAUSE WE LIVE IN THE FUCKING FUTURE AND CARRY AROUND FOUND FOOTAGE PRODUCTION STUDIOS IN OUR GODDAMN POCKETS AND NO ONE USES THEM BECAUSE NO ONE FILMS ANYTHING LONGER THAN A VINE ANYMORE AND EVEN VINES MUST HAVE BEEN TOO LONG BECAUSE THEY’RE DEAD NOW. And no, the kid doesn’t need this camera because he’s a film student or something, since the first damn thing he does is turn it on and film every single thing he looks at for no reason whatsoever because that is how bad found footage works. Ugh. STAHP.

Now to set the scene for you, this is Tennessee in January, which isn’t exactly freezing, but the temperature should generally hover in the 40s and 50s, but in the world of The Bell Witch Haunting NOPE FUCK THAT Adams, Tennessee is full of palm trees and bikini clad teenagers who immediately take off their tops to frolic around the pool. At a child’s birthday party full of parents, because the person I really want looking at my titties is some random eight year-old’s weird stepdad. Fine. Sure. Great. Also zero people have anything even close to a southern accent, which is also not how Tennessee works. Guys, if you didn’t want to set this in Tennessee in any way, you can just pick a different haunting. It’s okay. No one is watching this anyway. It’s literally just me and this other guy whose review of The Bell Witch Haunting is insanely detailed and I am relying heavily on it to remind me which shitty found footage movie this was. (Answer: it was the shitty one.)

In fact, that reviewer notices something I was too busy wondering what I was doing with my life to pick up on, which is that, despite including clear time stamps as a part of the film, the filmmakers just COULD NOT GIVE ANY SHITS about what numbers went in there. Not only are there odd jumps in in the clock, but the date cards at the top of each day include days like the “21th” and the “22th” and also a full day in between the 27th and the 28th. The editor is a guy named Robert Stuvland, and the only smart thing he did in this whole movie was make damn sure to not list his name in the credits.

But the aforementioned reviewer does not mention my favorite part of the movie, which is when we get in a car and drive around to go save someone from something and we’re driving and we’re driving and we’re driving and we’re driving and we’re driving and holy shit I think it’s been two full minutes we’re still just driving and nothing is happening and I don’t think anyone seems particularly concerned about this whole ghost thing as we just cruise around allegedly in an emergency that the scripted characters clearly care about as much as the cast and crew does because they’re just waiting for this long ass driving scene is done with so they can go check out that taco truck.

Fuck.

Just don’t do it.

Don’t watch this movie and you know what, just don’t make movies. If you see a movie and think “I could make that” you are either wrong or you are talking about The Bell Witch Haunting in which case PLEASE DON’T MAKE THAT.

Ugh.

It’s not fun enough to be one horror and it’s too shitty for two.

……..ONE AND A HALFTH HORRORS.

thing
Great job, Stuvland. Tacos for everyone.
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The Bell Witch Haunting

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