Below

Have you ever watched one of those trapped-in-a-submarine/space ship/arctic research post with a ghost/murderer/alien plague and thought “this is great and all, but I really wish it had Zach Galifianakis.”

Well look no further.

Below is set on a WWII submarine that picks up three survivors from a crashed British ship, which is how 100% of these things start. Never pick up survivors, they will always spell your cliche doom.

Except in this case, where one of the survivors turns out to be a German, so the submarine’s commanding officer immediately shoots him in the face because evidence of wrong-doing is for fucking nerds. Soon we learn that said commander, whose name is Brice (NEVER trust a dude named Brice, what is everyone in this movie fucking doing) is the only one to know what happened to the sub’s previous commander who died under suspicious circumstances leaving Brice in charge.

Soon after the German survivor is STRAIGHT UP MURDERED, the submarine crew start hearing creepy disembodied voices and lose control of the ship, which starts making a beeline back to the location where the previous commanding officer Definitely Did Not Get Murdered™, at which point the crew starts dropping like goddamn red shirts. You know who does not die though?

Zach motherfucking Galifinackiss.

Zach Gallefunakiz plays “Weird Wally” which is just about everything you need to know about that. Weird Wally is purely there to push the ghost angle, claiming that the ship must be haunted by a spirit demanding some sort of sacrifice. This is the point at which I should mention that this movie feels in no way like WWII, as evidenced by the very existence of Zach Galliphonackids. The producers, torn between making their movie period accurate and being able to land the guy from the Hangover, clearly decided that you know what fuckit history is boring, get Gallyfurnakedz.

Which was not the worst plan, honestly. Below manages to keep a fairly haunting atmosphere even with the modern dialogue, and really, without Zach Gulliversnekkid it would just be one more haunted/I-wonder-who-the-murderer-is small enclosed space movie, which I’m pretty sure is like 80% of the SyFy channel and also X-Files and also Star Trek and Stargate SG-1 and FUCKING JASON X and also Firefly did one and also the ENTIRE Alien franchise and come on guys, we done DONE this shit already. Kevin Sorbo’s ANDROMEDA beat you to the punch. You know who watched Kevin fucking Sorbo’s Andromeda? LITERALLY JUST ME. AND THEY DID THIS IN THE FIRST SEASON.

That said, it is pretty well-executed. It’s one of the few movies I get to watch for this project that has anything close to a Hollywood budget and A-list Gallifianactors, so I was pretty psyched. You guys, they got an actual WWII submarine from a museum and dropped that shit in Lake Michigan to film exteriors because fuck green screens. I was going to give this one three horrors, but just for having the balls to probably seriously fuck up a real museum-quality WWII submarine just to make a moderately successful horror movie with Zach Galifisnlsdfjnurfn,

…..THREE AND A HALF HORRORS.

Sorry guys, to get four horrors you would have had to set that submarine on fire and fling it across Lake Michigan with a trebuchet. Better luck next time.

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And you fucking know this guy’s contract came with a trebuchet.

 

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Below

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