Belphegor: Phantom of the Louvre

This. Movie. Is. Great.

I mean, it’s not actually good. Nor is it scary.

But if you enjoy The Mummy, Night at the Museum, and France, this is the dumb stupid great film for you.

Belphegor: Phantom of the Louvre not only takes place at the Louvre, it is in fact that FIRST feature film to be shot in the museum, which lends it a great deal of undeserved legitimacy. It is also a French language movie based on a French language movie from the 60s based on a French language BOOK from the 20s, which means that you get to pretend to be cultured while basically just watching Brendan Fraser run around a museum with a pretty lady. (No, it’s not really Brendan Fraser. We can’t always get what we want.)

The film begins with a shipment of Egyptian artifacts to the museum, which is ALWAYS how this starts. Leave that shit in Egypt, guys – Britain screwed this up YEARS ago, you fucking know better. However, while using a laser scanner to determine the age of a sarcophagus, a mummy spirit TRAVELS THROUGH THE LASER to get into the electrical system. Did you know ghosts were laser-compatible? Neither did I. Thanks, science!

The head Egyptologist determines that the mummy in the sarcophagus is actually a demon named Belphegor and he is bad news. (How can a mummified corpse of a human actually be a demon, you ask? Fuck you.) Belphegor is one of the seven princes of Hell, and he is the one most obsessed with wealth. And, conveniently, he is now in one of the most valuable buildings on the face of the planet. But he’s just zipping around the electrical system, so he can’t really do much of anything, right? It’s not like he has an attractive French actress to inhabit and at some point consequently en-nuden.

OH WAIT.

This hot lady’s cat ran right the fuck into the Louvre just at closing time, so she’d better get in there and wander around a heavily-guarded collection of the most expensive things on earth alone at night OH NO now she’s possessed by a demon. Cats are real bastards, man.

This is when Belphegor/hot lady really gets down to killin’, decimating the population of security guards and researchers over the course of several nights as he starts stealing as much fancy Egyptian shit as possible. The Louvre – which, mind you, DOES NOT FOR A SECOND close its doors to the public as a mysterious murderous rampage is ongoing – calls in a detective not to look into what is most likely a serial killer, but to FIND OUT WHERE ALL THEIR EGYPTIAN STUFF IS GOING. I can only assume this means that security guards must die at the Louvre on the reg. C’est la night shift.

Belphegor: Phantom of the Louvre is more like The Mummy than it wants to admit. It’s completely silly, it’s heavily CGI-ed in the way that only mummy movies from the turn of the millennium can be, and of course there is a romance between a hot lady and a scrappy, scruffy dude. I actually really enjoyed watching this movie, though. It’s nothing terribly special, but it is fun, and, unlike most of the things I have watched for this project, I would happily watch it again. In fact….I sort of want to now. (LOOK HOW INFLUENTIAL MY BLOG IS.)

Realistically it only deserves three horrors, but fuck you, this is my blog…….FOUR HORRORS.

And yes, I shat on Below for being cliche and praised Belphegor: Phantom of the Louvre for the same thing. Here’s the thing – one of them is called “Below” and one of them is called “BELPHEGOR: PHANTOM OF THE FUCKING LOUVRE.” One of them is about a dickhead from WWII covering up a war crime (oops, spoilers) and one of them is about A GLITTERY GLOWING HELL DEMON IN THE BODY OF A HOT CHICK WHO CAN’T FIND HER CAT. I will always reward showmanship.

belphegor-phantom
They didn’t even quite use Papyrus. That’s class.

 

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Belphegor: Phantom of the Louvre

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