Beneath Loch Ness

First of all, I apologize for not writing the past two days, but in my defense, everything is awful and we’re all going to die.

Moving on!

Beneath Loch Ness is not an Asylum film, but it has all the trappings of one, but with the added benefit of being produced in part by LOCH NESS PRODUCTIONS, which I assume means that this movie is legit as shit and has been created by a team of lochnessmonsterologists. (Except also it’s from Brimstone Entertainment LLC, which is the Asylum lite company responsible for a broad spectrum of films from “Tale of the Mummy” to “My Brother the Pig.” And yes, My Brother the Pig is about someone whose brother turns into a literal pig and not about someone related to a Trump voter ZING I AM DEAD INSIDE TODAY.)

Apart from the, I assume, team of post-graduate ivy league-educated cryptozoologists who came together to depict THE VERY REAL EXISTENCE of an aquatic beast from a grainy photo that was totally not debunked twenty-five years ago, Beneath Loch Ness is exactly what you think it will be. A bunch of scientists go diving in Loch Ness and the leader is immediately killed in a “mysterious” accident, because when you are diving in an area which you are completely sure is dominated by an angry prehistoric dragon-beast, someone getting killed in the face the second they set foot in the water is “a mystery.”

Enter Professor Cowboy Hat, a Loch Ness researcher gone rogue, as evidenced by the fact that he wears a cowboy hat. Professor Cowboy Hat is a renegade and he is going to shake things up in the world of Loch Ness research and he is going to investigate the SHIT out of the death of his mentor, the aforementioned victim to “mystery.” But Professor Cowboy Hat, rugged maverick that he is, is not going to have it so easy when he discovers that the TV studio funding the operation in exchange for exclusive rights to any monster footage is lead by his ex-wife!!!! MY WHAT A PICKLE! GOODNESS I WONDER IF THEY WILL INEVITABLY BANG.

While Professor Cowboy Hat and Hottie TV Producer are bickering under the guise of oh so forced sexual tension, we discover that the Loch Ness Monster has actually washed up dead on the shore and the Scottish police have run off with the body and are reporting that everything is definitely fine. After people continue to be killed by a sea beast, Professor Cowboy Hat and Hottie TV Producer break into the morgue and compromise the fuck out of a half-complete autopsy to see that the monster that was discovered has a big ole bite taken out of it, which means THERE IS SOMETHING ELSE OUT THERE AND IT IS GIANT ENOUGH TO SNACK ON NESSIE. Will the people of Loch Ness ever be safe? What is this giant Mega Nessie? What further conflicts will arise between Professor Cowboy Hat and Hottie TV Producer and will those conflicts be resolved by fucking?

Those answers can be found on Netflix if you really want, but I only advise seeking them out while massively hammered as Beneath Loch Ness hits Syfy Original levels of outrageously cheap and bad. For example, the costume designer admits on the dvd features (oh yes, there is a dvd and it has features) that they researched Scotland by RENTING BRAVEHEART FROM BLOCKBUSTER and everything about that sentence is sad. They made approximately three CGI clips of the monster and used them approximately four hundred times over the course of the film and of course it was filmed in its entirety in LA using stock footage of Scotland and 100% American actors who could maybe sound like a Brit with a speech impediment on a good day.

On the bright side, you will have fun shouting drunkenly at the screen and while it’s no Three-Headed Shark Attack, it’s the kind of thing I enjoy mercilessly making fun of and forcing friends to watch so that we can all share the pain of knowing that some part of your brain now contains the plot of Beneath Loch Ness.

Which is why this gets a glorious…….ONE HORROR!!!

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Also HOLY FUCK My Brother the Pig stars Scarlett Johansson and Eva Mendes. Shit, maybe I was wrong about Brimstone Entertainment.

 

 

 

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Beneath Loch Ness

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