Here’s the thing – there are those on the internet who are impressed with this movie. Those people on the internet have either never seen a movie or have perhaps only seen this movie. Allow me to explain why.
First of all, the cover looks like every horror movie ever. It features a lady in a tank top with a lot of dark eye makeup getting her throat grabbed by a hairy, clawed monster hand. The background is a greyscale forest of dead trees and cloudy skies. The foreground is flames. Fuck this cover. It’s like they gave the graphic designer the title of the movie and half an hour and he slapped something together that a group of 50 year-old executives decided was “cool” and “sexy.”
Also, as a side note, I am decidedly over werewolves and vampires, which I lump together because they are ALWAYS always involved in the same shitty tv series/shitty movie/shitty young adult fiction. No, netflix. No one wants to watch Hemlock Grove. NO ONE. And, with the possible exception of fifteen year-old sparkle goths, no one wants to watch *anything* featuring generically attractive white people with prosthetic fangs wander around wearing all black and being “edgy.” No. No and bad and stop.
So, out of obligation, I made it through that and started playing this thing and holy shit the camera work why what are you doing why. You know how in oldy timey movies they used to smear a little vaseline on the lens when shooting an attractive actress to give her a soft, ladylike glow? Oldy timey movies did this for a single shot at a time, because oldy timey cinematographers were not idiots, but OH NO, that is not enough for The Big Bad, which is filmed EXCLUSIVELY in vaseline mode. The whole. Fucking. Thing. Is a blurry, glowy mess. Already, regardless of content, this movie has been rendered largely unwatchable because WHY WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT. I decide to charitably believe that this was not on purpose and perhaps the camera man had a sandwich in one hand and accidentally got some mayonnaise on the lens and no one noticed until after filming had wrapped. This is the only way I can make this acceptable to me. So I soldier on.
The Big Bad opens with our protagonist, Frankie, at a divey leather bar looking for a man who knows something about the beast that killed her whole family. Unsurprisingly, no one wants to talk to her about this, until she runs into a woman in the bathroom who seems to have had a run in with this guy and now has a slight itch that OH GOD TURNS INTO FANGS AND SHE ATTACKS. Please note, we have had maybe ten lines of dialogue and we cannot hear any of them because the sound quality is so bad, so essentially we have just watched a lady follow another lady into the bathroom and then get almost eaten for it. Fine, it’s low budget, whatever. Maybe the plot is good at least?
And the sad part is, it ALMOST could have been. Frankie enters a surreal wooded world and finds out that her father was a werewolf who betrayed his clan to marry her mother, a human, and accidentally killed her in a particularly bad transformation. She runs into an underground colony of werewolves set upon hunting her father down and destroying him. This could have created a moral dilemma for Frankie and for the viewer. Will she side with the werewolves, and will they accept her or eat her? Will she side with her father, and will he accept her or eat her? Will she just kill everything in sight? Does she have werewolf powers? And, if so, who will she eat? (Note: I haven’t had lunch.)
NOPE who cares, this movie drops that entire plot like a fucking rock because you know what sounds great, if Frankie has to run around in the blurry blurry woods for two hours, finding random items she won’t use and killing people by splashing water on them (???). And then it’s just….over. I feel bad for this movie, because its creators clearly wanted to do something different and were willing to be creative on a low budget. But unfortunately you can’t just put a woman in a leather jacket, string together a bunch of random horror-themed moments, and smear it all with KY jelly to make it better.
This thing gets…..TWO HORRORS.