Black Death

And so it begins.

If nothing else, this project has taught me that there are certain keywords that are featured in way way too many horror movie titles. “Black” is one of them. So are “blood” and “bloody” and don’t even get me started on the neverending mess that is the D category (I hope you like demons, devils, death, dead, and dark!). So this is the first of our Black section of horror movies, to be followed by the Blood section. Enjoy.

Fortunately, this movie is actually good. Like, starring Eddie Redmayne, Sean Bean, and Carice van Houten good. Featuring David Warner and Tim McInnerny and directed by Christopher Smith good. HAS AN ACTUAL BUDGET GOOD.

You guys.

This is a Real Movie.

Black Death is the story of baby monk Eddie Redmayne following Knight Sean Bean to discover the secret of the only town to have survived the plague untouched. The town is rumored to be run by a necromancer who brings its inhabitants back to life with the power of human sacrifice. Being Good Christian Men, Monk Eddie and Sir Bean have been ordered by the Bishop to capture the necromancer and make him stop being so Satany, because wait, what? That’s some serious medieval Christian hubris to think a team of like five unshowered and only kind of armed men of God could just pluck an actual necromancer from his house and drag him across the vast diseased wasteland to the Bishop for a spanking. Ten minutes ago Eddie Redmayne couldn’t even decide if he liked god or pussy more and now we expect him to be fully capable of battling a being with exclusive power over death itself? This is the worst A-Team episode ever.

Regardless of the futility of their dumb mission, our team of dirty heroes eventually find the village and discover it to be a woman-led utopia free of death and disease and are immediately treated to a goddamn welcome party because in Necromancerville everyone knows YOU AIN’T GOT SHIT ON US, SEAN BEAN. Their leader, Carice van Houten, goes around healing everyone’s wounds and then publicly brings Monk Eddie’s dead girlfriend back to life, freaking the fuck out of the whole C-Team and revealing them as yet another group of churchies come to shut the party down. Also revealing? The very obvious necromancer trap set by Sir Bean in the woods by the village which could not have been a more obvious necromancer trap if it had come with a hand-written sign saying “NOT A NECROMANCER TRAP.”

Will the C-Team be crucified like all the other Debbie downers the bishop sent to Necromancerville? Is Carice van Houten a real witch or is she pulling one over on a town full of the kind of idiots only produced by medieval Europe? And if she’s faking it, then how the hell has no one died of plague there? Also is Eddie Redmayne’s girlfriend a demon? And will he ever get laid?

These are questions I won’t be answering because, unlike 90% of the Netflix horror section, this movie is worth watching for yourself. It’s very gritty and atmospheric and Tim McInnerny does a great job of not being funny AT ALL, which must have been hard for him.

All in all……..FOUR HORRORS.

Don’t worry though, I probably won’t have to slog through another positive review anytime soon. Plenty more THE BIG BADs to review!

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I’M TELLING YOU, THE WHOLE THING WAS THIS. THE FUCK AM I EVEN LOOKING AT.

 

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Black Death

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