Black Forest

I’m a little disappointed in this Syfy Original, not because it is terrible, but because it is better than the average Syfy Original and that makes my job hard. And my job is already hard because I am running out of steam on this project and keep getting distracted by the fact that the entire internet is wrong about everything and I HAVE TO TELL THEM THAT OR ELSE HOW WILL THEY KNOW.

The only thing the internet seems to have right is its consensus on this film, which appears to be “Black Forest: Could have been worse.”

And that’s about right.

Black Forest is set in the Black Forest in Germany which I believe is where they grow all those chocolate cakes. A creepy dude leads a tour through the woods, which is supposedly where the Grimm’s fairy tales were written, which tells you exactly where this is going. Somehow everyone gets involved in an ancient ritual and then a weird fairy lady shows up and then whoops someone’s baby disappears along with the creepy tour guide. (Also why are fairy tale villains always stealing babies? Like it is not hard to make those, come on.)

Anyway, in trying to hunt down this baby who everyone still seems to think has just WANDERED OFF because no one appears to understand how babies work, we discover a mystical cabin and learn that all the fairy tales are real and also hellish and that everyone is going to die if we can’t get out of here.

BUT FIRST WE HAVE TO FIND THIS GODDAMN BABY.

This movie is hard to review because…..it’s fine. It’s not great. It’s not awful. It doesn’t excite me either way. It’s a lot better than most of the other things you’ll see on the Syfy channel, and it does exactly what it needs to do. If I were flipping through shows and found this, I would probably watch it while eating dinner and checking my phone and I’d be invested enough to not turn it off. I like a good cheesy fantasy horror as much as the next guy. It’s kind of playful and kind of dark and I probably would have really loved it if I were twelve. But it’s not playful or dark enough to really sell it and the production value is still at Syfy level, which is to say lower than most cable networks would find acceptable. Eh. Meh.

….THREE HORRORS I guess.

Man….I’m sorry you guys.

I really need the next one to be shittier.

tommy_wiseau_in_the_room
Get Tommy on the phone.
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Black Forest

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