Blood Glacier

According to Wikipedia, this is a German language movie about a team of researchers in the Alps studying climate change. A red liquid is discovered on one melting glacier that appears to be genetically altering the local wildlife, creating giant hybrid monsters that terrorize the scientists. A second team is brought in further study this phenomenon, because adding more people to the equation is what you do when there is clearly an infectious organism creating monsters that attack everything they see. Even worse, one of the scientists in the second group IS THE EX GIRLFRIEND OF THE LEADER OF THE FIRST GROUP OH NO because I guess this is just what happens when you are a scientist.

This is all well and good and fine and based on this description I would give this film a decent rating.

But this is not why I remember this movie.

And I remember the tits off this movie.

I remember this movie because, tagging along the second team of researchers, is a head of state named Minister Bodicek.

And Minister Bodicek is very obviously supposed to be Angela Merkel.

AND SHE FUCKING WRECKS. THESE. MONSTERS.

First of all, WHY IS FAKE ANGELA MERKEL ON THIS TEAM??? Everyone is clearly going to either die from monster fangs in the face or turn into a monster full of fangs and a taste for faces, and they send along the most important human being in their country??? Damn, Germany. You cold. (GET IT IT’S THE ALPS IT’S ALL VERY LITERALLY COLD BUT ALSO UNFEELING AND REALLY PRETTY ILL-ADVISED.)

But Not Angela Merkel is a FUCKING BEAST. She’s not even a protagonist but holy shit that woman crushes it. Just seeing fucking Not Angela Merkel But Totally Angela Merkel in a sci-fi horror movie in the first place is goddamn insanity, and seeing her stab the shit out of a giant genetic abomination IS THE FUCKING BEST. It would be like making a movie in the United States with a lanky black president in it named Brock Yomama and seeing him destroy an onslaught of Bigfeets to death with his bare hands. (Which, Syfy Channel, I believe you can make this happen please.)

I have nothing else to say about this movie. Apart from having ANGELA FUCKING MERKEL as a character in it for virtually no reason, it’s pretty much German The Thing, which is pretty decent in its own right. But WITH Seriously Angela Fucking Merkel For No Reason?

…….FOUR AND A HALF HORRORS.

This movie is great.

Angela Merkel
Picture this, but in a parka AND COVERED IN THE BLOOD OF HER ENEMIES.
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Blood Glacier

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