Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys

Not to be confused with “Blood Lake,” the 1987 teen slasher flick, or “Blood Lake,” the 2006 porno, Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys is the (duh) Asylum film made exclusively for, wait for it, ANIMAL PLANET.

…..sure.

Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys is exactly what you think it will be – shitty CGI, over-the-top death scenes, and Christopher Lloyd.

Wait, what?

OH YES MY FRIENDS.

CHRISTOPHER FREAKING LLOYD.

Christopher Freaking Lloyd plays the Mayor of Killer Lamprey Town who tells the scientists who have arrived to combat and publicize the murder fish situation to go fuck themselves because KILLER LAMPREY TOWN IS FOR SURE SUPER SAFE AND I HEAR THEIR MAYOR IS THE BEST.

Spoiler alert: Christopher Lloyd dies on the toilet when a killer lamprey jumps up his asshole and shoots out his mouth! HURRAY!

Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys also stars Shannen Doherty of Beverly Hills 90210 and Jason Brooks of Days Of Our Lives to round out the famous-thirty-years-ago cast. It’s better than some Asylum movies, worse than other Asylum movies, so I’m going to wrap this review up and say….

…….THREE HORRORS.

However.

Now that I know that Animal Planet has an interest in creature feature horror…..how has no one made a My Cat From Hell movie???

HOW HAS NO ONE MADE A MY CAT FROM HELL MOVIE.

Picture this.

Cats across the country begin to turn on their owners in a slew of unexplained and adorable murders. Local law enforcement officers cower in fear as kittens feast on the corpses of the American people. The FBI get involved and are immediately overpowered. Brute force is clearly not the answer. The chain of command goes straight to the president. We need an expert. Someone must be called in to subdue the nation’s felines. The president picks up the red phone and dials.

ENTER JACKSON GALAXY – THE MOTHERFUCKING CAT DADDY.

THIS WILL RIVAL SHARKNADO. THIS WILL BE ANIMAL PLANET’S PATH TO GREATNESS. I will make the kickstarter, Jackson. I will hand out flyers. I will call studio execs. I will hand-pick all the cats. I will make this happen. All you have to do is give me the thumbs up and I will make My Cat From Hell: Purrminator HAPPEN. Please call me. Please, Jackson.

jackson
PLEASE JACKSON.

 

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Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys

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