Bloody April Fools


I actually missed this one the first time I went through the B section and upon noticing that I’d skipped it somehow I went back and watched it because goddammit I was going to watch ALL the movies in alphabetical order mostly.

I regret this decision.

Bloody April Fools is a Spanish teen slasher flick, and it turns out that Spanish teen slasher flicks are exactly as awful as American teen slasher flicks. It opens, like they all do, to a flashback of a teenaged outcast being killed as the result of a prank. What prank, you ask? The one where you lock a dude in the boiler room of the girl’s shower and watch as his face melts onto a burning pipe. This has two advantages:

  1. So so so many titties.
  2. That’s it.

Also, I’m no building systems PhD, but I’m fairly certain that each water source in a school does not have its own boiler room? Am I wrong about that? And aren’t they usually in the basement? And don’t they generally have all kinds of safety measures built into them which would allow you to touch the giant pipe that was prominently placed at face level without having to say goodbye to said face? And also am I just unfamiliar with the many boiler rooms that let you SEE INTO THE GIRL’S SHOWER? Is this a feature of boiler rooms now? Titty windows? WHEN did they add the titty windows? Whose job is it to maintain the titty windows and how, if the whole room gets so hot that just existing in the boiler room for sixty seconds when the heat is on can MELT A HUMAN, do the titty windows not break or melt or something? TELL ME OF THE TITTY WINDOWS, ARCHITECT FRIENDS.

Fuck this movie is bad. I’m going to speed through this shit so I can drink, not unlike the screenwriters must have.

Anyway, the following year a bunch of Asshole Teenagers go to an April Fools party (oh right, all those April Fools parties that the Cool Teens are constantly going to, so popular and real they are) when suddenly they start being killed one by one as the victims of murder pranks. (Though, if the point of the prank is to murder, I think it’s generally just known as murder? Again, the fuck do I know.)  Oh, also none of the women ever wear shirts. Also also one of them suffers a head injury that opens up her skull and she then reaches up into her brain matter, masturbates with her BRAIN, and dies as soon as she’s done orgasming. Cool, great. This is good writing. Great job, everyone, April Fools drinks on me SIKE IT’S POISON FUCK YOU WHY DID YOU WASTE TWO HOURS OF MY LIFE.


This titty window seems reasonable now, THANKS ASSHOLES.
Bloody April Fools

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