HURRAY NOVEMBER IS OVER I DID IT.
Okay, so I didn’t quite do all 31 Days Of Horror, because November is only 30 days and I started on the 3rd and then I took several days off because ughhhh writing words is JUST SO HARD but whatever. I probably did like 20 maybe. Maybe 15. I for sure did at least ten. Probably. (I could count but ughhhhhh counting things is JUST SO HARD.)
So from now on I will be posting at least once a week on Sunday, THE LORD’S DAY, and I promise to actually keep up with this thing because holy shit I don’t want to be still working through the letter J when I’m 45 and Netflix owns the entire internet.
And now for today’s movie: Borderline Cult.
And HOOOOOOOOOOLY SHIT it’s the worst.
I’m going to admit something to you. I did not watch the entirety of this movie.
That’s how bad it is.
I watched all of 100 Ghost Street: The Return of Richard Speck. I watched every fucking minute of The Amityville Haunting. I did everything short of build a Clockwork Orange-style eyelid opener to keep watching The fucking Bell Witch Haunting.
But I could not make it through this.
Borderline Cult is about three serial killers torturing and killing women at the US/Mexico border. That is all. That is the whole thing. And it literally looks like it was shot on a cell phone camera. It’s a blurry mess with zero sound or lighting equipment and is entirely done with some sort of washed out grainy filter that I think was intended to hide the fact that this was filmed in someone’s backyard with Halloween store plastic knives and wigs. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that every costume, set piece, and prop was purchased at Spirit Halloween.
It’s just the fucking worst.
I’ve only given up on watching a movie in this project one other time and I feel like this one is somehow WORSE than that. The other movie I couldn’t force myself to waste my life with was Baseline Killer, directed by Ulli Lommel, and
Ulli Lommel is the director of Borderline Cult.
THE MINUTES OF MY LIFE THIS MAN HAS TAKEN FROM ME, NEVER TO BE RETURNED. FUCK THIS DUDE. WHAT IS THE FUCKING MATTER WITH YOU, LOMMEL??? WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS??? IS IT THE MONEY??? IS IT WORTH IT TO YOU TO SPEND TWELVE DOLLARS MAKING A MOVIE THAT GROSSES FIFTEEN???
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WASHED OUT SNAPCHAT FILTER YOU FUCKING USE ON EVERYTHING.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR SINGLE PLASTIC BLONDE HALLOWEEN WIG THAT YOU APPARENTLY STORE IN A BOX OF RATS.
FUCK YOU FOR MAKING A BOX OF RATS DEAL WITH YOUR SHIT – THEY GODDAMN DESERVE BETTER.
NO HORRORS FOR YOU.
THE ONLY HORROR IS THAT NETFLIX SPENT THAT $15 BUYING YOUR SHIT ASS MOVIE AND THAT I SPENT HALF AN HOUR OF MY LIFE TRYING TO WATCH IT WITHOUT REMOVING MY EYES WITH MY COMPUTER MOUSE. THE HORROR IS THAT SOME POOR L.A. WAITRESS HAS THIS PIECE OF SHIT ON HER IMDB PAGE. THE HORROR IS THAT HOLY TITS YOU HAVE SIXTY ONE FUCKING DIRECTING CREDITS.
I’ll be back next week hopefully with a movie that DIDN’T ALMOST FUCKING KILL ME AND MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON.