Burke and Hare

HERE WE ARE.

Finally, I bring you the most amazing horror movie to ever come out of goofy, sexploity 1971 AND it is the last of the Bs! That’s right, after months of Bads and Blacks and Bloods and Brains and Belphagors, we are finally at the last B horror movie in the Netflix horror section (and yet we have only begun with actual b-horror-movies god all -fuckin-mighty Netflix with your film selection).

How do you all feel? Accomplished? You’ve come so far. I’m very proud. Thanks for tuning in once every couple of months when I remember I sometimes have a blorg. I know you’re all very proud of me as well. I am too. I think I’ve earned it.

AND NOW GET READY FOR ONE OF MY VERY VERY FAVORITES.

First of all, this isn’t the Burke and Hare movie from 2010. This isn’t the Burke and Hare movie from the 90s. No no no. This is much much better. This is motherfucking NINETEEN SEVENTY-ONE. This is a Burke and Hare story with FALSE EYELASHES and BIG SIDEBURNS and SO MANY BOOBIES. LONG HAIR AND BIG LAPELS AND CHEESY MUSIC AND SERIOUSLY SO MANY BOOBIES AND ALSO BUTTS. (Goddamn, the 1970s must have been fucking spectacular.)

If you’re not familiar, Burke and Hare were actual real live serial killers in Edinburgh in the 1830s. At that time, cutting up a body for science was seen as the worst possible thing to happen to your discarded flesh tube after death, so medical students were only permitted to use the corpses of executed convicts to learn about anatomy and surgery, as we had not yet figured out what science was and so we were already prepared to just shit all over it with religious regulations BUT NOT ANYMORE HAHAHAHAHAHA. So of course skeletons and corpses became extremely valuable and, because humans are awful and 1827 UK was the fucking worst, William Burke and William Hare (I know, how are these called “the Burke and Hare Murders” and not “Double William Death Squad,” fucking tell me about it) went into the lucrative murdering-people-and-selling-them-to-medical-school business.

Which brings us to this delightful, boob-filled romp through 19th century serial murder.

William Hare ran a shitty boarding house for shitty people, and William Burke lived there. In their spare time they dug up reasonably fresh corpses to sell to medical schools, which was about as happy and prosperous a life as one could have in 1827 Edinburgh.

One day, one of the other shitty residents of the shitty boarding house keels over and our Williams, seeing oldy timey dollar signs, decide to bury a fake body and sell the real one to a local surgeon, who didn’t ask too many questions because if you wanted to teach medicine in 1827 you had to turn a blind eye to black market cadavers because WHAT IN THE SHIT 1827 YOU HAD TO HAVE KNOWN WHERE THIS WOULD END UP. Great job, 1827. We got stuck with H.H. Holmes because of your shit. Way to go.

Realizing how much could be made by having anonymous people “accidentally” die at your boarding house, both Williams decide to go into business together. CORPSE BUSINESS.¬†(1980s, please come back and produce a Magnum PI-style show called Corpse Business. I want lots of guns and lots of skeletons in giant shoulder-padded jackets. Please and thank you.) Burke and Hare Incorpseporated goes actually pretty well for a while until they accidentally pick the wrong lady to smother to death and all hell breaks loose.

But wait. Before ANY of this, before the movie even begins, we have the single greatest intro theme song of all time. I’m not going to attempt to describe it, I’m just going to link it here and allow all of you to bask in its glory:¬†WATCH IT HERE WATCH IT NOW.

And let me tell you, the whole fucking movie is like that. It’s silly and anachronistic and could not be less serious about its subject matter. Eventually William^2 start bringing home prostitutes and killing them for their cadavers and we get ENTHUSIASTIC 70S SEX FROLICKING BEFORE MURDER. IT’S THE GODDAMN FUCKING BEST.

This movie makes me inordinately happy and I can barely make myself summarize it much more because my hope truly is that you all watch that intro and immediately go seek out the full movie and stick it directly into your eyeballs and hearts. Burke and Hare is one of the few bright spots in this whole stupid alphabetized project I have forced myself into and I am literally going to stop writing this blog and go watch it again right…….

(FIVE FUCKING HORRORS YOU GUYS FUCK IT’S THE BEST)

………NOW.

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A shot from the movie, and also my face the entire time I was watching it. LOOK HOW HAPPY THEY ARE TO BE A PART OF THIS MASTERPIECE.

 

 

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Burke and Hare

The Cat and the Canary and the Blog I Am Bad At Writing on a Reliable Schedule

[obligatory apology for not writing in eight months]

[assertion that I will do better in the future]

[joke about how I absolutely won’t]

And then there’s The Cat and The Canary from NINETEEN TWENTY-SEVEN. THAT’S OVER NINETY GODDAMN YEARS AGO. Which means that the true horror of this film is that everyone in it is definitely dead.

The Cat and The Canary is about as classic a murder mystery as you can get. A group of strange characters gather at a spooky mansion for the reading of a will AND THEN MYSTERIOUS THINGS BEGIN TO HAPPEN but they do happen very quietly, because it is a silent film, because again, 1927. But don’t worry, they do have sweet piano music and subtitled dialogue that defo makes reference to both cats and canaries at least every seven minutes, in case you missed the title card.¬†Because the boogeyman in this case is an escaped convict called The Cat, and, to quote the film, “he’s a maniac who thinks he’s a cat, and tears his victims like they were canaries!”

HOWEVER DID THEY CRAFT SUCH SUBTLE THROUGH-LINES.

But don’t worry, it’s not all cats and canaries (though it is absolutely like 40% cats and canaries), it’s also got wacky hijinks! Because guys, The Cat isn’t even real! It turns out The Cat is actually the nephew of the dead man going around with fur gloves with claws (not kidding) and grabbing people in the shadows to scare them off, because as you know, the inheritance always goes to the one can stick around at the will reading the longest without getting eaten by a monster. There’s trap doors and secret hallways and what 1920s murder mystery would be complete without an awkward nerdo hiding under the bed and accidentally seeing ladies getting undressed. Maybe I’m thinking more of Jeeves and Wooster than murder mysteries. Either way, that happens.

The Cat and the Canary is not a bad film at all. It’s become a classic of both German expressionism and mansion murder mysteries and deservedly so. While it’s pretty predictable now, this was one of the first and most successful attempts at spooky midnight will readings and creepy-looking servants, and it holds up decently well, unless you don’t enjoy hearing the title of the film repeatedly.

All in all, I give it……THREE HORRORS.

I do this thing out of five total horrors, yes?

I just realized I barely remember my grading system.

This is shameful.

I am as a canary on the internet, waiting for the hordes of wordpress cats to come tear my writings asunder.

Jesus I need to be less shitty at keeping up with this.

canary4
It’s just like the thing and the thing!

 

 

The Cat and the Canary and the Blog I Am Bad At Writing on a Reliable Schedule