Children of the Corn: Revelation

WE FINALLY MADE IT, GANG. THE LAST CHILDREN OF THE LAST CORN. JESUS CHRIST IT HAS BEEN A JOURNEY.

Of course this is actually CotC 7, which means this one comes before the last one chronologically, but again, time is a flat circle, reality is an illusion, nothing matters etc. etc.

So THIS TIME, we actually don’t have a broken down car by a corn field, instead we get a young woman named Jamie looking for her grandmother who hasn’t been answering her phone calls and the grandmother lives by a corn field. Don’t worry, there is still a corn field. There is always a corn field. Jamie drives all the fuck out to Nebraska, which is more than I’ve ever done for my grandmother, and upon entering her grandmother’s corn-adjacent apartment building, she discovers an eviction notice, no grandmother, and a whole bunch of weird kids. The building manager has zero advice for her, but he does introduce her to some of the non-weird-kid occupants of the building, who are the exact type of people unlikely to survive a horror movie. Weird.

Jamie wanders down to the basement where she finds a bunch of various crops growing and hears giggling children, which could just be how they do things in Nebraska, but this time it’s accompanied by a guy with a gun who appears out of nowhere telling her to NEVER GO IN THE BASEMENT so she…leaves and stops going to the basement. After having some weird dreams about children and corn, Jamie learns that her grandmother was in a child corn cult and that she was the only survivor of a fire set by the child corn cult leader and that the fire was set right where the apartment building is now!!! LE GASP. 

Then some other shit happens and then more shit happens and then the movie is over the end. Goddamn is this movie forgettable, as evidenced by the fact that I had to google the plot synopsis and it barely registered with me. I do sort of remember a couple of the kills but like……after seven other childrens and corns……ugh. The sounds of creepy children are now meaningless to me, and I’m taking an extended break from eating the haunted vegetable that is corn, not because it is haunted, but because I’M FUCKING OVER CORN. (Unless it is in dog form, I can still fuck with that.)

I can’t review this movie anymore, sorry guys, let’s just get this out of the way so we can move on to ANY OTHER THING.

Children of the Corn: Revelation gets……..TWO HORRORS.

THANK CHRIST.

WE MADE IT.

IT’S OVER.

Or is it……

NO, IT IS.

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I’M DONE HERE.
Children of the Corn: Revelation

Children of the Corn: Genesis

I AM DROWING IN DERIVITIVE CORN MOVIES.

Let’s get this over with – Children of the Corn: Genesis is actually CotC 8, which is where alphabetizing this series gets tricky. I actually reviewed Children of the Corn IV before I was supposed to, since I comes after G, so when I watched these in order, I watched 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 8, 4, 7. You would think that would be a confusing way to watch a franchise, but it turns out NOPE you barely even need to have seen the original to make sense of any of these many many many many MANY FUCKING SEQUELS because none of them connect in any way whatsoever, and if that bothers you, then you’re gonna have some serious issues with basically any horror franchise begun in the 70s and 80s (I’m looking at you, Jason X).

Genesis was released direct to DVD in 2011, so let that inform you as to the importance and quality of this film. We begin with a young couple whose car breaks down by a corn field – jesus, do we really? AGAIN? There’s no better way to start one of these motherfuckers? Anyway, they run into a weird preacher who is clearly trying to be Charles Manson but without enough peyote to really pull it off, and he offers to let them use his phone, where they promptly learn that this is the ass end of nowhere and they can’t get a tow until the next day. Churles Munson and his, seriously, inexplicable mail-order bride from Ukraine allow the couple to stay the night, but with strict orders to not go sneaking around all lookin at shit, which is the clearest possible evidence that there’s definitely shit to be looked at.

Which means that the second the Young Lady of the couple has to go pee in the middle of the night, she IMMEDIATELY starts snooping around the outhouse and finds that they have a culty corn church in their garage AND a culty corn shack that sounds like crying children. Young Lady returns to Young Man and tells him what she saw and heard and Young Man decides the best way to handle this is to go straight to Carl Monson and tell him about how they definitely went snooping and definitely looked at some shit. Luckily Chales Monsoon doesn’t immediately helter skelter them, but instead does some ooky spooky hypnosis that allows said cult child to enter the room unnoticed and PLANT A CORN SEED IN YOUNG LADY. I’m not sure this is how corn works, but it’s probably Demon Corn, so who am I to impose natural laws on such things. You do you, demons.

Shit immediately gets whack and the entire house is taken over by a mysterious supernatural force (hint: it’s definitely He Who Walks Behind The Rows) that won’t allow Young Couple to escape or call for help. At this point, the whole movie basically turns into a haunted house flick that’s generally light on both children and corn as Young Couple attempt to escape the forces of He Who Walks Behind The Rows. And then yadda yadda yadda, ending that leaves it open for another sequel.

Genesis isn’t a terrible movie, it’s more atmospheric and creepy than most of the 90s entries in the franchise and at least it’s not just about more murder children getting adopted, so that’s a plus. Would I still be perfectly happy and fulfilled and have an hour and a half of my life back if I hadn’t watched it? Yes. But would that life really be worth living? Also yes.

Children of the Corn: Genesis gets……THREE HORRORS.

Christ almighty kids, ONE MORE LEFT and then we get to move on to….hoo boy.

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I’ll give you three guesses.
Children of the Corn: Genesis

Children of the Corn 666: Isaac’s Return

Aaaaaaand we’re back with more corn. Always corn. Forever corn. Never-ending, eternal corn.

And speaking of never-ending, this film actually does continue where the original one left off, if not where literally any of the other sequels left off, because they all left off in completely different and mutually exclusive scenarios. Just as any good horror franchise should.

So we return to Gatlin, Nebraska, home of corn and…..it’s all corn. A young woman named Hannah is visiting the town to try to find her birth mother, as she was the last child born in Gatlin before The Cornening. Naturally, the first thing she does when she gets there is immediately crash her car into a corn field and get sent to the hospital. At the hospital she starts wandering around the other patients, as any hospital would of course allow and encourage, and she discovers that Isaac, the first leader of the child cult from the very first film, was actually not quite killed when He Who Walks Behind the Rows took over his body and has in fact been in a coma this entire time! All nineteen years! Isn’t that convenient! Still in Gatlin, which managed to scrape together enough adults to open a hospital somehow, just in time to save a dying murderous middle-schooler inhabited by a corn demon. Isn’t that something!

Now we’ve established that all that makes sense, Hannah leaves the hospital to try to find her mother and instead encounters a bunch of weirdos, and not just because she’s in Nebraska HEYOOOOOO. These weirdos all make references to a prophecy connecting her and Isaac, and the only people who aren’t weirdos are either trying to kill her or telling her to get the hell out of Gatlin, though arguably those are also both weird things to do. Maybe it is just Nebraska.

Turns out, the prophecy was that when she, the last Child of the Corn, returns to Gatlin on the eve of her 19th birthday, He Who Walks Behind the Rows will awaken to reclaim the earth and oops she’s turning 19 and also Isaac just woke up from his NINETEEN YEAR COMA and has some fun thoughts on religion that he would like to share.

Will Hannah renew the Cult of Corn, or will she murder as many small children as it takes to save Gatlin? Who is her mother? Why is she important? How did Isaac survive a two decade-long coma with no apparent neurological damage and immediately return to normal life? Is it the corn? Is it??? Will Isaac live to corn again???

FIND OUT IN….CHILDREN OF THE CORN 666: ISAAC’S RETURN! If you want to. You don’t have to. It’s not a must-see, if I’m being honest. It’s pretty okay, I’ve seen worse.

…..THREE HORRORS.

JUST TWO MORE TO GO WE CAN DO IT GANG

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I CAN SEE IT, IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL

 

Children of the Corn 666: Isaac’s Return

Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror

Just this one and then three more exactly like it until we can move on to literally anything else and we’ll all live happily ever after and never eat corn again.

It’s not very nutrient-dense anyway, did you even look at those corn facts?

So as I said, Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror is my second favorite CotC movie, an abbreviation I’m finally using that I encourage everyone to pronounce as “cotck” with a largely silent “t.” It’s my second favorite for a variety of reasons, not the least of which being that it has a fun cast, including Alexis Arquette, Eva Mendes, and David Carradine, and because it finally finally isn’t about people adopting these freaking murder children and then being murdered by them (well, mostly, anyway), but also because it has what’s possibly my favorite one-word sight-gag-based joke in any film ever. It’s not even a particularly funny joke. And it has nothing to do with children or corn. But it is MY FAVORITE joke, and I won’t let you insult it. I LOVE IT. We’ll get to it later.

We begin as we do in approximately 75% of horror films, with some Cool Teens lost in the middle of nowhere. Coincidentally, this also happens to be the middle of He Who Walks Behind the Rows territory, which, in this case, is lead by FREAKING DAVID CARRADINE who, you’ll notice, is an adult. He is, in fact, a creepy old man who has taken in some Gatlin Murder Children and claims to be the current incarnation of HWWBtR (okay so not everything lends itself to abbreviation, I’m trying). And yes, spoilers, this will go poorly for him, but not for the reasons you thiiiiiiink, ooooh so spooky and mysterious is the CotC! 

At this, Cool Girl Teen realizes that this is the cult that her brother joined, and she has to take advantage of this opportunity to save him, and not just because the cult children have destroyed their car and they are effectively trapped in Corntown the Third (or is this the fourth new corn-founded cult village? I’M LOSING MY MIND). She is finally able to meet with her brother, who is pissy because she’s not his real mom, and he announces that he is getting married to another Corn Child that he has already impregnated, because when your cult kills all adults, some icky shit has to go on to keep membership up.

Gang.

This is when I get my joke.

My favorite joke.

The Cool Teens tool around looking for somewhere to stay and stumble upon an unoccupied shack that they decide will be their shelter until they either rescue Cool Girl Teen’s brother from the cult or until the next bus comes in a few days, whichever is more convenient. They start picking through cupboards when Cool Boy Teen finds a can shaped like Spam, looks at it, grins, and holds it facing the camera, smiling. He points at it and says “Smeat!” And the can indeed says SMEAT.

I FUCKING LOVE THIS JOKE FOR REASONS I CANNOT FULLY UNDERSTAND.

The first time I saw it I had to pause the movie and roll it back to check and see if the can label actually said FREAKING SMEAT. IT DOES. IT IS MY HERO.

I just love canned meat-based humor, guys.

Oh man….SMEAT!

The rest of the movie is also good, though not as good as Smeat. It more deeply covers the rituals of the CotC cult and their ritual sacrifices, as well as how they deal with babies (hint: with corn demons) and ends in a pretty epic bloodbath at a corn silo engulfed in the fires of Corn Hell. I’m not going to ruin it because it’s worth watching, relative to the other CotC movies at least, and because I peaked at Smeat so I’m sort of done writing now.

I give Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror……..FIVE HORRORS, BUT REALLY THEY ARE ALL JUST FOR THE SMEAT JOKE. GOD I LOVE SMEAT.

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You know what’s not a joke? The existence of smeat.net.

 

Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror

Children of the Corn IV: The Gathering

We’re at the halfway point, guys.

The only way out is through.

Children of the Corn IV: The Gathering is basically just a wasteland between Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest, which is my favorite Children of the Corn movie, and Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror, which is my second favorite Children of the Corn movie, because I have now mentally ranked all eight of the Children of the Corn films, be jealous. I have next to no memory of this film, despite the fact that it stars a young Naomi Watts as a med student taking care of her creepy mom while trying to figure out why all these dang kids are so weird around all this dang corn!

From what I can remember, combined with a quick google search, Children of the Corn IV: The Gathering ignores all the amazing groundwork laid by Urban Harvest and, rather than following up on the fact that DEMON CORN HAS NOW BEEN DISTRIBUTED GLOBALLY, it takes us back to freaking Nebraska again and tells us about kids being weirdos and murdering adults, again. And then something something only Naomi Watts can stop it blah blah blah Corn Jesus something something they can’t all be winners. Jeezers creezers am I sick of these corn movies already.

Blah blah blah….TWO HORRORS it sucks, I’m tired.

Instead of summarizing the plot of The Gathering, since it’s basically some combination of the first two films but with Naomi Watts (who, by the way, claims to have been paid a full $5,000 for her FIRST-BILLED STARRING ROLE IN THIS FILM, which is pretty sad even in 1996 money), I’ve decided to provide some Fun Corn Facts For Kids™ :

Did you know that the only continent that does not produce corn is Antarctica? But did Children of the Corn ever come up with an installation on a Thing-style frozen research base? No. Because Stephen King lacks imagination. If anyone would like to see my script for Children of the Corn IX: Ice Kernels, let me know.

Did you know that all corn cobs have an even number of rows, and that most have 800 kernels arranged in 16 rows? That’s 800 seeds per corn, which means 800 chances to grow Urban Harvest demon corn anywhere on the damn planet, but does Children of the Corn IV give a shit about that? NO, LET’S GO BACK TO NEBRASKA, EVERYONE LOVES NEBRASKA. Fucking Hollywood execs. Anyway.

Did you know that corn is now a completely domesticated plant and it no longer grows wild? So if you see a random field of unorganized corn, run, because it has definitely been planted by a twelve year-old with a name like Malachai or Job to enslave anyone under 18 and enmurder anyone over 18.

Did you know that the entire rest of the world calls it “maize” and that pretty much just the US calls it corn? This is because we are assholes and need to feel special. See: our shitty measurement system.

Is this a blog yet? Am I done?

Three more to go, guys, at least the next one has David Carradine.

Yes yes, we all know.
Children of the Corn IV: The Gathering

Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest

Did I say I’d be doing this blog every day in October? I meant most days in October. You knew that. Anyway.

GANG.

THE CORN HAS LANDED.

Children of the Corn 3: Urban Harvest is probably my favorite Children of the Corn film because it is CORN. IN. THE. CITY. That’s right, bitches, He Who Walks Behind the Rows is getting the heck outta Gatlin and heading to the BIG CITY, but like still a big city that could potentially be near corn, so it’s Chicago, Illinois. And not only has corn hit the big city, but the children of that corn have hit HIGH SCHOOOOOOOOOOL WUT UP, COOL TEENS, GET READY FOR SOME REGRETTABLE 1995 HAIR AND SOME SICK PRODUCE.

Urban Harvest begins like our previous corn entry, with the adoption of fucking cult kids from Corntown, NEVER ADOPT PREVIOUSLY MURDEROUS CHILDREN, GUYS, I DON’T KNOW WHY YOU NEED A SECOND MOVIE TO LEARN THIS LESSON BUT OKAY. Joshua and Eli are adopted by a family in Chicago after Eli killed their father, which should have been more of a red flag but here we are. Joshua is eager to fit in and become the Cool Teen he’s always dreamed of being (he’s the goofiest white boy to ever wear a pseudo-Amish get-up, so this dream will not be realized, but he will try) but his brother Eli is not having it. He shows up with a suitcase full of corn and a creepy bible and refuses to let go of his culty ways, keeping his Am-ish clothes and insisting on giving a terrifying sermon every time the adoptive family sits down to eat. On his first night there, Eli sneaks out of the house TO GET SOME DANK NUGS AND HOT CHICKS oh wait, no, it’s to pray in a factory parking lot and plant some of his special corn seeds. Cool kid.

As Joshua attempts to integrate himself with the normals by playing basketball with some Urban Youth, Eli, seeing how kids these days are all sport-playin and fun-havin, loses his damn mind and decides to….START A’KILLIN. Or at least he gets He Who Walks Behind the Rows to start a’killin for him, as our demonic friend responds to Eli’s prayers by murdering a homeless man and growing some corn really really fast, which is not terribly impressive as far as demons go, but it’s probably pretty good for a corn demon I guess.

A few deaths later and that cornfield is POPPIN (not literally, it’s fresh corn), and the adoptive dad sees a business opportunity. Since Eli’s demon corn grows overnight, out of season, in shitty soil, and is ACTUALLY UNKILLABLE as we learn in a scene where Adoptive Mom tries to kill it and gets herself corned to death instead, he strikes up a deal with Eli to work on distributing the corn across the country in the hopes of rollin in that sweet, sweet corn money for the rest of his life as a Corn Tycoon. (Tycorn? Nevermind, that’s nothing.) But what Eli doesn’t tell him is that consumption of said demon corn leads to MORE CHILDREN OF THE CORN!!! Eli starts sharing his corny goodness with the kids at school and one by one the Cool Teens all start to worship He Who Walks Behind the Rows, which leaves it up to Joshua and Friends to try to stop the corny onslaught before Chicago goes the way of Gatlin, Nebraska, i.e., before it becomes a wasteland of dead adults and fibrous plants.

I won’t get into what happens after this, except to say that it involves A GIANT CORN MONSTER THAT, GODDAMN, EVERYONE HAS TO SEE IN ACTION. It’s all the mid-nineties practical effects you could ever want and more, and also it starts killing teens, which makes you sort of root for the corn monster? Anyway, Children of the Corn 3: Urban Harvest is 100% everything you could ever want out of Corn in the City, from the Cool 90s Teens to the child-devouring Corn Monster to the anti-Monsanto I mean anti-indeterminate-corn-magnate message.

I give Children of the Corn 3: Urban Harvest…….FIVE HORRORS, SUCK IT, GOOD MOVIES, THIS IS MY BLOG, I DO IT ALL FOR THE CORN MONSTER, ALL HAIL THE CORN MONSTER, ALL HAIL CORN.

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AAAALLLLL HAAAAIIIIIL COOOOOOORN
Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest

Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice

Please note, this is not even a little bit the final sacrifice, we have six more films to go through after this one and they just came out with a new one this fucking year, gird your loins, gang.

So just in case you disagreed with my previous post and thought, “no, Tess, kids are great and I love them and I am definitely an adult and not two children in a trench coat” Children of the Corn II is here to prove me right (in case, like, reality didn’t, but whatever) because Children of the Corn II explores the fate of the town that generously ADOPTS THE FUCKING PSYCHOPATH CHILDREN FROM THE PREVIOUS FILM.

SPOILER ALERT: THEY START A’KILLIN

Of course the surviving kids go right the fuck back to the cornfield where one of them is possessed by our old demonic friend from the first film, He Who Walks Behind the Rows, and goes on to lead the rest of the worst cult ever to go kill all the adults in New Cornington, which is what I assume the new town is called and I’m not looking it up.

Except that TWIST it’s not just that a weird demon is controlling a cult of children, the mind control is coming from the corn itself. In the capitalist nightmare that is this town, the sheriff is selling last year’s spoiled corn despite the fact that it is COVERED IN GREEN TOXIC ACID, which is what happens to demon corn when it goes bad. And while “selling old corn” might not sound like the most badass of get rich quick schemes, this one results in a pretty impressive death toll, as the Corn Acid (my favorite post-punk band) compels the children to commit a series of increasingly rad murders.

What I enjoy about this franchise is that so rarely in other movies do we get to see an intrepid group of plucky adults fighting children to the death, and that’s really all this film is. We get people smooshed under cars, stabbed via voodoo dolls (I guess when you make up your own Corn Religion you get to play with whatever wack shit you want) (also yes, I did just have to google if it’s “whack” or “wack” because I am a decade too old to be using that word) and, naturally, a death by harvester, which is what we’ve all been waiting for since the first film. It’s not bad, as far as sequels to wildly successful horror movies go, but we will see better as The Cornening continues.

Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice gets…….THREE HORRORS.

Phew. Two down. Six to go.

Can you overdose on corn?

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Oh, shit.
Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice

Children of the Corn

AW HELL YES

CORN

CORN

CORN

CORN

COOOOOOOOOOOOOOORN

Children of the Motherfucking Corn has finally arrived.

Here’s the thing about Children of the Corn – it’s not an amazing movie. It’s fun, I enjoy it, but it’s not one of my favorite horror movies or anything, it’s not even really one of my favorite Stephen King horror movies. But it does have a weird place in my heart, now that I’ve sunk probably fifteen hours into watching ALL EIGHT OF THESE THINGS, and that’s not counting the sheer number of times I’ve seen this, the first Children of the Corn movie, which is not even my favorite Children of the Corn movie. 

First of all, it stars Linda Hamilton, which makes it my second favorite Linda Hamilton movie, so that’s cool.

Secondly, it is a horror movie with the word “corn” in the title and everyone is okay with that and no one thinks it’s stupid and hilarious, even though it is, because it’s totally one of the funnier vegetables.

But most importantly, I identify with and agree whole-heartedly with the message of the film, which I believe is this: FUCK CHILDREN.

Horror movies feature children all the damn time, do you know why? BECAUSE CHILDREN ARE FUCKING MONSTERS AND THEY’RE TERRIFYING. They’re just small versions of real people but without the ability to reason or communicate properly and they are assholes. They devour you from the inside for nine months and then once they claw their way out they just literally shit all over you for the next year. They prevent you from ever sleeping again, they eternally drain your bank account like a living student loan, and they prevent you from GOING ANYWHERE OR DOING ANYTHING, sucking your life away like a goddamn vampire, except even vampires ask permission to come into your home. Plus if they don’t murder you (parricide makes up two percent of all murders, looking at you, Menendez brothers), they will want to murder you so bad that they kill everyone else to make up for it (Edmund Kemper, Richard Chase, Ed Gein, just google EVERY SERIAL KILLER) OR, and this happens, they just let a murderer into your damn house because kids are fucking idiots.

YOU SHOULD FEAR CHILDREN.

THEY CLEARLY DEMAND YOUR BLOOD.

And Children of the Corn isn’t just about regular horrible, evil, shitty children, it’s about RELIGIOUS horrible, evil, shitty children. THE WORST KIND OF HORRIBLE EVIL SHITTY CHILDREN. (Also I don’t need to summarize this movie, right? I’m not summarizing this movie, you should know the basic premise if you’ve seen literally any media ever and also you have google, what am I, YOUR MOTHER?) Children of the Corn is a warning about what happens when you take a bunch of kids who will believe any dumb shit and give them some dumb shit to believe. They will take that dumb shit and use it to destroy you and turn into blank-eyed, self-righteous shells of themselves and then they will weave much religious iconography out of dried corn husks and joylessly chant in unison, tale as old as time.

If a murderous cult of white, midwestern children doesn’t scare you more than anything else, you’re not paying attention.

Children of the Corn gets……FOUR HORRORS. Not because it is good, but BECAUSE IT IS REAL.

For real though, it’s a fun movie, and if you haven’t seen it, you should. In part because it will make sense of a lot of pop culture references, but also because corn fields are scary, children are scary, and scythes make for very good murder scenes. And if you have seen Children of the Corn and you only wish to see more fun shenanigans from Isaac (who was 24 when they filmed this, by the way, there’s a reason he’s the only Corn Child anyone would listen to and it’s because HE’S AN ADULT), don’t worry, because the next couple of weeks are going to be very corn heavy.

Oh yes.

Netflix has aaaaaaaaaaaaall the corns.

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And Google Image has all the pictures of corn, get ready for that too.
Children of the Corn

Cheerleader Massacre 2

Well, let’s do the dang thing I guess.

When it comes to Cheerleader Massacre 2, I highly recommend that you watch the trailer and then watch an entirely different movie because this one sucks. Or at least it sucks MINUS what’s in the trailer, which is all cool as shit, meaning that this film at least has one minute and twenty-two seconds more watchable content than the original Cheerleader Massacre.

Because yes, it is definitely better than Cheerleader Massacre. It’s possible that this is due in large part to the fact that Cheerleader Massacre was made in 2003, whereas Cheerleader Massacre 2 was made in 2011 WHAT. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS? THIS MEANS SOMEONE SAT ON THIS FOR A FULL EIGHT YEARS BUT DID NOT FORGET IT. SOMEONE WAS WAITING, BIDING THEIR TIME, SAVING THEIR MONEY FOR THE SEQUEL TO THE MOVIE THAT WAS MOST NOTABLE FOR PEOPLE THINKING IT WAS PART OF THE SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE FRANCHISE AND THEN FINDING OUT IT WASN’T.

JESUS.

Anyway, the production values are better, and by “better” I mean “like a Syfy original before the Sharknado movies got famous” which is still probably a 4000% improvement on the first installment. The bad guy in this one is also infinitely better, because it is a robot frisbee. I’m not kidding, seriously watch this trailer. Why is a robot frisbee trying to kill a busload of cheerleaders on their way to a competition? I do not remember. And neither does anyone else on the internet. It’s not important, what’s important is the third thing that Cheerleader Massacre 2 has way more of than Cheerleader Massacre, because it is

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBS.

I don’t know what the going rate was to contractually obligate an actress to show her nipples onscreen in 2003, but it’s clear that either the price has gone significantly down, or that the producer of Cheerleader Massacre 2 SAVED UP FOR EIGHT DAMN YEARS to bring us this smorgasbord of titties. Because DANG Y’ALL. It’s so so many titties. It’s definitely eight year’s worth of titties. The only times in the movie without giant, naked, surgically-enhanced knockers is the minute and twenty-two seconds they cut together for the trailer, because you can show a cheerleader getting decapitated by a robot frisbee in a trailer, but never boobs because that would be in poor taste.

Cheerleader Massacre 2 is still unfortunate in that, despite the very very good job the robot frisbee does of slicing up all those heads and faces and titties, that’s the extent of what is good about this movie, and they show ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OF THAT in the trailer. The rest is just giant breasts running around, screaming, and being the subject of gross sex jokes made by gross bros, which you can see with better writing and acting on pornhub for free and without encouraging the makers of Cheerleader Massacre 2 to go for a threequel in 2025.

I give Cheerleader Massacre 2…….TWO HORRORS. A very sad amount of horrors indeed.

But oh, what’s that in the distance?

What’s next to that dirt road that heads into an unsettlingly religious small town that’s suspiciously empty of adults?

What’s that rustling in the eerie 80s wind?

Is that….IT IS…

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THE CORNENING HAS BEGUN
Cheerleader Massacre 2

Cheerleader Massacre

See, this is why I stopped doing this blog. (By the way, here I am, doing my blog again, aren’t you proud of me? I’m proud of me.) I come to a movie called Cheerleader Massacre and I think “thank god, a tasteless, cheeseball blood bath that will be fun to watch and fun to write about” and the fuck do I get? Basically all that but boring. WHAT THE FUCK.

And now I have to write about something that should be so much fun and instead I’m stuck staring at this wordpress document, knowing that I’m guaranteed to disappoint you all, because how could a movie called FUCKING CHEERLEADER MASSACRE not be so awful it’s fantastic? It’s from the makers of Slumber Party Massacre AND Sorority House Massacre, how, with that pedigree, could it not be great?

I’LL TELL YOU HOW.

All the kills are off-screen and also all the poorly-filmed high schoolers are about forty, the end.

There’s no point in me reviewing this film when that’s basically the entirety of how I feel about it, and I certainly don’t want to encourage anyone to go find it because, trust me, you will be deeply disappointed, but I did want to share this IMDB review with you because it is infinitely better than the movie itself.

The following is paulofinetti’s review of Cheerleader Massacre (2003 video) :

Nice Massacre, Not Enough Cheerleading

I found this movie far more enjoyable than many of my fellow reviewers. The cheerleaders were all hot (at certainly not old) but apart from one opening cheer at the beginning of the film, there was not much to suggest anything about cheerleading. A more appropriate title would have been MASSACRE (of the cheerleaders). I wanted more pom-poms, and less massacre. The quality of video was somewhat grainy but there were a lot of intricate camera moves which kept the film visually interesting. Not the best low-budg horror movie, but a decent and enjoyable 80 minutes.

 

Y’ALL.

THAT REVIEW WAS NOT A JOKE.

WHO ARE YOU, PAULOFINETTI, AND CAN WE GRAB COFFEE SOMETIME, BECAUSE I AM DYING TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU.

In a way I am grateful to Cheerleader Massacre because it has brought me to this simple, beautiful soul whose only critique of this trash ass movie was that it did not feature enough cheerleading. He found this bland, shitty time-suck to be “a decent and enjoyable 80 minutes” and even paid enough attention to what I will generously refer to as the cinematography to compliment their “camera moves,” which is definitely a term I will start using to piss off film majors. He even appreciated the hotness of the cheerleaders and went out of his way to say that they are NOT old (he’s wrong) which is very kind of him. All he asks is that a movie with two words in the title be approximately fifty percent about each word, and is that too much to ask? Was Cabin in the Woods not half cabin and half woods? Did Nightmare on Elm Street not split their time equally between nightmare and Elm Street? Can it not be said that Texas Chainsaw Massacre featured just as much Texas as it did chainsaw and massacre?

Perhaps I should reconsider my feelings about the Children of the Corn series, because honestly, there are times when it’s 70/30 with regards to childrens and corns. Maybe I deserve an equal helping of corn. Should I ask for more from my horror movies? Perhaps I should. And for that I have paulofinetti to thank.

Cheerleader Massacre gets: who gives a fuck horrors.

paulofinetti gets…..FIVE HORRORS, PERFECT SCORE.

And now hopefully I get to move onto something much more satisfying to review, something with some substance, or something that passionately embraces its lack of substance, something OH FUCK OFF

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GODDAMMIT I HATE THIS FUCKING BLOG
Cheerleader Massacre