SPOOKY SEASON, BITCHES (The Chair)

It’s fucking spooky season, y’all, and now that the retail Halloween creep starts in late July, I’ve been gearing up for this month for as long as it hasn’t been Independence Day. We all have. I’ve seen the internet. It’s here. It’s finally the time of year when I can force my boyfriend to watch horror movies with me on a nightly basis and he can’t argue because the calendar says I get 31 days to be obnoxious about this.

And just for my adoring fans, this year you, too, will get to enjoy 31 days of me being obnoxious about this.

That’s right, I’m actually going to be writing a blog entry every day until Halloween.

Does that mean I will actually write a blog entry every day until Halloween? Crabsolutely not, you’ve seen what happens when I insist I’m coming back for real this time. There will definitely be days when I just can’t do it, or forget to do it, or stop caring about doing it, because I’m an inherently lazy person with essentially zero self-discipline to complete independent projects.

But will I totally try to write most days, and feel guilty when I inevitably fail to complete all 31?

Probably yes.

And I’m starting this month by picking up where I last left off, in the beginning of the unfortunately-dubbed C-Section of the Netflix horror alphabet. Sadly that means busting out a totally mediocre haunted house movie called The Chair to kick us off. No, not the 2016 horror film posthumously starring Rowdy Roddy Piper. Oh, and also not this 1988 horror movie about an electric chair I guess? No no, this is the 2007 film entitled The Chair, you know, The Chair, starring *shrug* and *who?*, just kidding, it stars Alanna Chisholm and Lauren Roy, both of whose IMDB pages claim they are best known from their work in the 2007 film, The Chair.

So now that I’ve established the relative success of this film, let me provide a brief summary. Danielle, a psychology student, is staying in an old Victorian house where she begins to experience weird nope I’m already bored. The first half hour is your typical haunted Victorian house (the most haunted type of house) where some stuff is moved around and some stuff floats and a young girl lives there alone and it’s all very spooky and predictable. Danielle spends a lot of time obsessively documenting the strange occurrences to convince her sister back home that she is not insane, which is never a good way to prove you are not insane.

Then the whole thing goes sideways when Danielle discovers a secret room where a child murderer used to murder children after strapping them into his Panic Chair, which is exactly how you just pictured it. Said Child Murderer then takes over Danielle’s body and leads her to rebuild the Panic Chair (of course, it’s a big, weird, rickety chair with leather wrist and ankle straps and a head restraint, of COURSE it is) but then her sister finally comes over to check on her and oh no she gets PUT IN THE CHAIR. NOW WHAT.

The Chair isn’t bad per se, it’s just fairly predictable and at this point in this project I have seen so many nearly identical movies that the only defining feature of this one is the fact that it involves a chair, which also puts it in the category of horror movies about chairs which, by the way, is FAR FAR MORE HORROR MOVIES THAN YOU THINK. (Don’t worry, we’ll get there.) The production is decent and it’s reasonably well-acted, there just isn’t anything special about it, which is why I’ve put off reviewing it for about nine months.

All in all, I’d give it………THREE HORRORS. (Ps, my rating scale is from 1-5 horrors, 1 horror being The Room-style spectacularly terrible, and 5 horrors being The Witch, basically.) (Also yes, I had forgotten how I did this, so I thought maybe you might too.)

Well that’s over, now you may wipe all knowledge of The Chair from your memory, because this spooky season is going to work up into a fucking frenzy real quick. Assuming I continue to write these posts daily, this Thursday will mark the day that I finally hit the endless expanse of Children of the Corn movies and I CAN’T FUCKING WAIT TO WALLOW IN ALL THAT CORN. COME CORN IT UP WITH ME, GUYS. CORN TOGETHER RIGHT NOW OVER ME. CORN AWAY WITH ME IN THE NIGHT. A LITTLE BIT OF MONICORN IN MY LIFE.

images
CORN

It gets better from here, gang.

SPOOKY SEASON, BITCHES (The Chair)

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