Well, let’s do the dang thing I guess.
When it comes to Cheerleader Massacre 2, I highly recommend that you watch the trailer and then watch an entirely different movie because this one sucks. Or at least it sucks MINUS what’s in the trailer, which is all cool as shit, meaning that this film at least has one minute and twenty-two seconds more watchable content than the original Cheerleader Massacre.
Because yes, it is definitely better than Cheerleader Massacre. It’s possible that this is due in large part to the fact that Cheerleader Massacre was made in 2003, whereas Cheerleader Massacre 2 was made in 2011 WHAT. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS? THIS MEANS SOMEONE SAT ON THIS FOR A FULL EIGHT YEARS BUT DID NOT FORGET IT. SOMEONE WAS WAITING, BIDING THEIR TIME, SAVING THEIR MONEY FOR THE SEQUEL TO THE MOVIE THAT WAS MOST NOTABLE FOR PEOPLE THINKING IT WAS PART OF THE SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE FRANCHISE AND THEN FINDING OUT IT WASN’T.
Anyway, the production values are better, and by “better” I mean “like a Syfy original before the Sharknado movies got famous” which is still probably a 4000% improvement on the first installment. The bad guy in this one is also infinitely better, because it is a robot frisbee. I’m not kidding, seriously watch this trailer. Why is a robot frisbee trying to kill a busload of cheerleaders on their way to a competition? I do not remember. And neither does anyone else on the internet. It’s not important, what’s important is the third thing that Cheerleader Massacre 2 has way more of than Cheerleader Massacre, because it is
I don’t know what the going rate was to contractually obligate an actress to show her nipples onscreen in 2003, but it’s clear that either the price has gone significantly down, or that the producer of Cheerleader Massacre 2 SAVED UP FOR EIGHT DAMN YEARS to bring us this smorgasbord of titties. Because DANG Y’ALL. It’s so so many titties. It’s definitely eight year’s worth of titties. The only times in the movie without giant, naked, surgically-enhanced knockers is the minute and twenty-two seconds they cut together for the trailer, because you can show a cheerleader getting decapitated by a robot frisbee in a trailer, but never boobs because that would be in poor taste.
Cheerleader Massacre 2 is still unfortunate in that, despite the very very good job the robot frisbee does of slicing up all those heads and faces and titties, that’s the extent of what is good about this movie, and they show ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OF THAT in the trailer. The rest is just giant breasts running around, screaming, and being the subject of gross sex jokes made by gross bros, which you can see with better writing and acting on pornhub for free and without encouraging the makers of Cheerleader Massacre 2 to go for a threequel in 2025.
I give Cheerleader Massacre 2…….TWO HORRORS. A very sad amount of horrors indeed.
But oh, what’s that in the distance?
What’s next to that dirt road that heads into an unsettlingly religious small town that’s suspiciously empty of adults?
What’s that rustling in the eerie 80s wind?
Is that….IT IS…