Cheerleader Massacre

See, this is why I stopped doing this blog. (By the way, here I am, doing my blog again, aren’t you proud of me? I’m proud of me.) I come to a movie called Cheerleader Massacre and I think “thank god, a tasteless, cheeseball blood bath that will be fun to watch and fun to write about” and the fuck do I get? Basically all that but boring. WHAT THE FUCK.

And now I have to write about something that should be so much fun and instead I’m stuck staring at this wordpress document, knowing that I’m guaranteed to disappoint you all, because how could a movie called FUCKING CHEERLEADER MASSACRE not be so awful it’s fantastic? It’s from the makers of Slumber Party Massacre AND Sorority House Massacre, how, with that pedigree, could it not be great?

I’LL TELL YOU HOW.

All the kills are off-screen and also all the poorly-filmed high schoolers are about forty, the end.

There’s no point in me reviewing this film when that’s basically the entirety of how I feel about it, and I certainly don’t want to encourage anyone to go find it because, trust me, you will be deeply disappointed, but I did want to share this IMDB review with you because it is infinitely better than the movie itself.

The following is paulofinetti’s review of Cheerleader Massacre (2003 video) :

Nice Massacre, Not Enough Cheerleading

I found this movie far more enjoyable than many of my fellow reviewers. The cheerleaders were all hot (at certainly not old) but apart from one opening cheer at the beginning of the film, there was not much to suggest anything about cheerleading. A more appropriate title would have been MASSACRE (of the cheerleaders). I wanted more pom-poms, and less massacre. The quality of video was somewhat grainy but there were a lot of intricate camera moves which kept the film visually interesting. Not the best low-budg horror movie, but a decent and enjoyable 80 minutes.

 

Y’ALL.

THAT REVIEW WAS NOT A JOKE.

WHO ARE YOU, PAULOFINETTI, AND CAN WE GRAB COFFEE SOMETIME, BECAUSE I AM DYING TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU.

In a way I am grateful to Cheerleader Massacre because it has brought me to this simple, beautiful soul whose only critique of this trash ass movie was that it did not feature enough cheerleading. He found this bland, shitty time-suck to be “a decent and enjoyable 80 minutes” and even paid enough attention to what I will generously refer to as the cinematography to compliment their “camera moves,” which is definitely a term I will start using to piss off film majors. He even appreciated the hotness of the cheerleaders and went out of his way to say that they are NOT old (he’s wrong) which is very kind of him. All he asks is that a movie with two words in the title be approximately fifty percent about each word, and is that too much to ask? Was Cabin in the Woods not half cabin and half woods? Did Nightmare on Elm Street not split their time equally between nightmare and Elm Street? Can it not be said that Texas Chainsaw Massacre featured just as much Texas as it did chainsaw and massacre?

Perhaps I should reconsider my feelings about the Children of the Corn series, because honestly, there are times when it’s 70/30 with regards to childrens and corns. Maybe I deserve an equal helping of corn. Should I ask for more from my horror movies? Perhaps I should. And for that I have paulofinetti to thank.

Cheerleader Massacre gets: who gives a fuck horrors.

paulofinetti gets…..FIVE HORRORS, PERFECT SCORE.

And now hopefully I get to move onto something much more satisfying to review, something with some substance, or something that passionately embraces its lack of substance, something OH FUCK OFF

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GODDAMMIT I HATE THIS FUCKING BLOG
Cheerleader Massacre

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