AW HELL YES
Children of the Motherfucking Corn has finally arrived.
Here’s the thing about Children of the Corn – it’s not an amazing movie. It’s fun, I enjoy it, but it’s not one of my favorite horror movies or anything, it’s not even really one of my favorite Stephen King horror movies. But it does have a weird place in my heart, now that I’ve sunk probably fifteen hours into watching ALL EIGHT OF THESE THINGS, and that’s not counting the sheer number of times I’ve seen this, the first Children of the Corn movie, which is not even my favorite Children of the Corn movie.
First of all, it stars Linda Hamilton, which makes it my second favorite Linda Hamilton movie, so that’s cool.
Secondly, it is a horror movie with the word “corn” in the title and everyone is okay with that and no one thinks it’s stupid and hilarious, even though it is, because it’s totally one of the funnier vegetables.
But most importantly, I identify with and agree whole-heartedly with the message of the film, which I believe is this: FUCK CHILDREN.
Horror movies feature children all the damn time, do you know why? BECAUSE CHILDREN ARE FUCKING MONSTERS AND THEY’RE TERRIFYING. They’re just small versions of real people but without the ability to reason or communicate properly and they are assholes. They devour you from the inside for nine months and then once they claw their way out they just literally shit all over you for the next year. They prevent you from ever sleeping again, they eternally drain your bank account like a living student loan, and they prevent you from GOING ANYWHERE OR DOING ANYTHING, sucking your life away like a goddamn vampire, except even vampires ask permission to come into your home. Plus if they don’t murder you (parricide makes up two percent of all murders, looking at you, Menendez brothers), they will want to murder you so bad that they kill everyone else to make up for it (Edmund Kemper, Richard Chase, Ed Gein, just google EVERY SERIAL KILLER) OR, and this happens, they just let a murderer into your damn house because kids are fucking idiots.
YOU SHOULD FEAR CHILDREN.
THEY CLEARLY DEMAND YOUR BLOOD.
And Children of the Corn isn’t just about regular horrible, evil, shitty children, it’s about RELIGIOUS horrible, evil, shitty children. THE WORST KIND OF HORRIBLE EVIL SHITTY CHILDREN. (Also I don’t need to summarize this movie, right? I’m not summarizing this movie, you should know the basic premise if you’ve seen literally any media ever and also you have google, what am I, YOUR MOTHER?) Children of the Corn is a warning about what happens when you take a bunch of kids who will believe any dumb shit and give them some dumb shit to believe. They will take that dumb shit and use it to destroy you and turn into blank-eyed, self-righteous shells of themselves and then they will weave much religious iconography out of dried corn husks and joylessly chant in unison, tale as old as time.
If a murderous cult of white, midwestern children doesn’t scare you more than anything else, you’re not paying attention.
Children of the Corn gets……FOUR HORRORS. Not because it is good, but BECAUSE IT IS REAL.
For real though, it’s a fun movie, and if you haven’t seen it, you should. In part because it will make sense of a lot of pop culture references, but also because corn fields are scary, children are scary, and scythes make for very good murder scenes. And if you have seen Children of the Corn and you only wish to see more fun shenanigans from Isaac (who was 24 when they filmed this, by the way, there’s a reason he’s the only Corn Child anyone would listen to and it’s because HE’S AN ADULT), don’t worry, because the next couple of weeks are going to be very corn heavy.
Netflix has aaaaaaaaaaaaall the corns.