Did I say I’d be doing this blog every day in October? I meant most days in October. You knew that. Anyway.
THE CORN HAS LANDED.
Children of the Corn 3: Urban Harvest is probably my favorite Children of the Corn film because it is CORN. IN. THE. CITY. That’s right, bitches, He Who Walks Behind the Rows is getting the heck outta Gatlin and heading to the BIG CITY, but like still a big city that could potentially be near corn, so it’s Chicago, Illinois. And not only has corn hit the big city, but the children of that corn have hit HIGH SCHOOOOOOOOOOL WUT UP, COOL TEENS, GET READY FOR SOME REGRETTABLE 1995 HAIR AND SOME SICK PRODUCE.
Urban Harvest begins like our previous corn entry, with the adoption of fucking cult kids from Corntown, NEVER ADOPT PREVIOUSLY MURDEROUS CHILDREN, GUYS, I DON’T KNOW WHY YOU NEED A SECOND MOVIE TO LEARN THIS LESSON BUT OKAY. Joshua and Eli are adopted by a family in Chicago after Eli killed their father, which should have been more of a red flag but here we are. Joshua is eager to fit in and become the Cool Teen he’s always dreamed of being (he’s the goofiest white boy to ever wear a pseudo-Amish get-up, so this dream will not be realized, but he will try) but his brother Eli is not having it. He shows up with a suitcase full of corn and a creepy bible and refuses to let go of his culty ways, keeping his Am-ish clothes and insisting on giving a terrifying sermon every time the adoptive family sits down to eat. On his first night there, Eli sneaks out of the house TO GET SOME DANK NUGS AND HOT CHICKS oh wait, no, it’s to pray in a factory parking lot and plant some of his special corn seeds. Cool kid.
As Joshua attempts to integrate himself with the normals by playing basketball with some Urban Youth, Eli, seeing how kids these days are all sport-playin and fun-havin, loses his damn mind and decides to….START A’KILLIN. Or at least he gets He Who Walks Behind the Rows to start a’killin for him, as our demonic friend responds to Eli’s prayers by murdering a homeless man and growing some corn really really fast, which is not terribly impressive as far as demons go, but it’s probably pretty good for a corn demon I guess.
A few deaths later and that cornfield is POPPIN (not literally, it’s fresh corn), and the adoptive dad sees a business opportunity. Since Eli’s demon corn grows overnight, out of season, in shitty soil, and is ACTUALLY UNKILLABLE as we learn in a scene where Adoptive Mom tries to kill it and gets herself corned to death instead, he strikes up a deal with Eli to work on distributing the corn across the country in the hopes of rollin in that sweet, sweet corn money for the rest of his life as a Corn Tycoon. (Tycorn? Nevermind, that’s nothing.) But what Eli doesn’t tell him is that consumption of said demon corn leads to MORE CHILDREN OF THE CORN!!! Eli starts sharing his corny goodness with the kids at school and one by one the Cool Teens all start to worship He Who Walks Behind the Rows, which leaves it up to Joshua and Friends to try to stop the corny onslaught before Chicago goes the way of Gatlin, Nebraska, i.e., before it becomes a wasteland of dead adults and fibrous plants.
I won’t get into what happens after this, except to say that it involves A GIANT CORN MONSTER THAT, GODDAMN, EVERYONE HAS TO SEE IN ACTION. It’s all the mid-nineties practical effects you could ever want and more, and also it starts killing teens, which makes you sort of root for the corn monster? Anyway, Children of the Corn 3: Urban Harvest is 100% everything you could ever want out of Corn in the City, from the Cool 90s Teens to the child-devouring Corn Monster to the anti-Monsanto I mean anti-indeterminate-corn-magnate message.
I give Children of the Corn 3: Urban Harvest…….FIVE HORRORS, SUCK IT, GOOD MOVIES, THIS IS MY BLOG, I DO IT ALL FOR THE CORN MONSTER, ALL HAIL THE CORN MONSTER, ALL HAIL CORN.