Children of the Corn IV: The Gathering

We’re at the halfway point, guys.

The only way out is through.

Children of the Corn IV: The Gathering is basically just a wasteland between Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest, which is my favorite Children of the Corn movie, and Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror, which is my second favorite Children of the Corn movie, because I have now mentally ranked all eight of the Children of the Corn films, be jealous. I have next to no memory of this film, despite the fact that it stars a young Naomi Watts as a med student taking care of her creepy mom while trying to figure out why all these dang kids are so weird around all this dang corn!

From what I can remember, combined with a quick google search, Children of the Corn IV: The Gathering ignores all the amazing groundwork laid by Urban Harvest and, rather than following up on the fact that DEMON CORN HAS NOW BEEN DISTRIBUTED GLOBALLY, it takes us back to freaking Nebraska again and tells us about kids being weirdos and murdering adults, again. And then something something only Naomi Watts can stop it blah blah blah Corn Jesus something something they can’t all be winners. Jeezers creezers am I sick of these corn movies already.

Blah blah blah….TWO HORRORS it sucks, I’m tired.

Instead of summarizing the plot of The Gathering, since it’s basically some combination of the first two films but with Naomi Watts (who, by the way, claims to have been paid a full $5,000 for her FIRST-BILLED STARRING ROLE IN THIS FILM, which is pretty sad even in 1996 money), I’ve decided to provide some Fun Corn Facts For Kids™ :

Did you know that the only continent that does not produce corn is Antarctica? But did Children of the Corn ever come up with an installation on a Thing-style frozen research base? No. Because Stephen King lacks imagination. If anyone would like to see my script for Children of the Corn IX: Ice Kernels, let me know.

Did you know that all corn cobs have an even number of rows, and that most have 800 kernels arranged in 16 rows? That’s 800 seeds per corn, which means 800 chances to grow Urban Harvest demon corn anywhere on the damn planet, but does Children of the Corn IV give a shit about that? NO, LET’S GO BACK TO NEBRASKA, EVERYONE LOVES NEBRASKA. Fucking Hollywood execs. Anyway.

Did you know that corn is now a completely domesticated plant and it no longer grows wild? So if you see a random field of unorganized corn, run, because it has definitely been planted by a twelve year-old with a name like Malachai or Job to enslave anyone under 18 and enmurder anyone over 18.

Did you know that the entire rest of the world calls it “maize” and that pretty much just the US calls it corn? This is because we are assholes and need to feel special. See: our shitty measurement system.

Is this a blog yet? Am I done?

Three more to go, guys, at least the next one has David Carradine.

Yes yes, we all know.
Children of the Corn IV: The Gathering

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