Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror

Just this one and then three more exactly like it until we can move on to literally anything else and we’ll all live happily ever after and never eat corn again.

It’s not very nutrient-dense anyway, did you even look at those corn facts?

So as I said, Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror is my second favorite CotC movie, an abbreviation I’m finally using that I encourage everyone to pronounce as “cotck” with a largely silent “t.” It’s my second favorite for a variety of reasons, not the least of which being that it has a fun cast, including Alexis Arquette, Eva Mendes, and David Carradine, and because it finally finally isn’t about people adopting these freaking murder children and then being murdered by them (well, mostly, anyway), but also because it has what’s possibly my favorite one-word sight-gag-based joke in any film ever. It’s not even a particularly funny joke. And it has nothing to do with children or corn. But it is MY FAVORITE joke, and I won’t let you insult it. I LOVE IT. We’ll get to it later.

We begin as we do in approximately 75% of horror films, with some Cool Teens lost in the middle of nowhere. Coincidentally, this also happens to be the middle of He Who Walks Behind the Rows territory, which, in this case, is lead by FREAKING DAVID CARRADINE who, you’ll notice, is an adult. He is, in fact, a creepy old man who has taken in some Gatlin Murder Children and claims to be the current incarnation of HWWBtR (okay so not everything lends itself to abbreviation, I’m trying). And yes, spoilers, this will go poorly for him, but not for the reasons you thiiiiiiink, ooooh so spooky and mysterious is the CotC! 

At this, Cool Girl Teen realizes that this is the cult that her brother joined, and she has to take advantage of this opportunity to save him, and not just because the cult children have destroyed their car and they are effectively trapped in Corntown the Third (or is this the fourth new corn-founded cult village? I’M LOSING MY MIND). She is finally able to meet with her brother, who is pissy because she’s not his real mom, and he announces that he is getting married to another Corn Child that he has already impregnated, because when your cult kills all adults, some icky shit has to go on to keep membership up.

Gang.

This is when I get my joke.

My favorite joke.

The Cool Teens tool around looking for somewhere to stay and stumble upon an unoccupied shack that they decide will be their shelter until they either rescue Cool Girl Teen’s brother from the cult or until the next bus comes in a few days, whichever is more convenient. They start picking through cupboards when Cool Boy Teen finds a can shaped like Spam, looks at it, grins, and holds it facing the camera, smiling. He points at it and says “Smeat!” And the can indeed says SMEAT.

I FUCKING LOVE THIS JOKE FOR REASONS I CANNOT FULLY UNDERSTAND.

The first time I saw it I had to pause the movie and roll it back to check and see if the can label actually said FREAKING SMEAT. IT DOES. IT IS MY HERO.

I just love canned meat-based humor, guys.

Oh man….SMEAT!

The rest of the movie is also good, though not as good as Smeat. It more deeply covers the rituals of the CotC cult and their ritual sacrifices, as well as how they deal with babies (hint: with corn demons) and ends in a pretty epic bloodbath at a corn silo engulfed in the fires of Corn Hell. I’m not going to ruin it because it’s worth watching, relative to the other CotC movies at least, and because I peaked at Smeat so I’m sort of done writing now.

I give Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror……..FIVE HORRORS, BUT REALLY THEY ARE ALL JUST FOR THE SMEAT JOKE. GOD I LOVE SMEAT.

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You know what’s not a joke? The existence of smeat.net.

 

Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror

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