Children of the Corn: Genesis

I AM DROWING IN DERIVITIVE CORN MOVIES.

Let’s get this over with – Children of the Corn: Genesis is actually CotC 8, which is where alphabetizing this series gets tricky. I actually reviewed Children of the Corn IV before I was supposed to, since I comes after G, so when I watched these in order, I watched 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 8, 4, 7. You would think that would be a confusing way to watch a franchise, but it turns out NOPE you barely even need to have seen the original to make sense of any of these many many many many MANY FUCKING SEQUELS because none of them connect in any way whatsoever, and if that bothers you, then you’re gonna have some serious issues with basically any horror franchise begun in the 70s and 80s (I’m looking at you, Jason X).

Genesis was released direct to DVD in 2011, so let that inform you as to the importance and quality of this film. We begin with a young couple whose car breaks down by a corn field – jesus, do we really? AGAIN? There’s no better way to start one of these motherfuckers? Anyway, they run into a weird preacher who is clearly trying to be Charles Manson but without enough peyote to really pull it off, and he offers to let them use his phone, where they promptly learn that this is the ass end of nowhere and they can’t get a tow until the next day. Churles Munson and his, seriously, inexplicable mail-order bride from Ukraine allow the couple to stay the night, but with strict orders to not go sneaking around all lookin at shit, which is the clearest possible evidence that there’s definitely shit to be looked at.

Which means that the second the Young Lady of the couple has to go pee in the middle of the night, she IMMEDIATELY starts snooping around the outhouse and finds that they have a culty corn church in their garage AND a culty corn shack that sounds like crying children. Young Lady returns to Young Man and tells him what she saw and heard and Young Man decides the best way to handle this is to go straight to Carl Monson and tell him about how they definitely went snooping and definitely looked at some shit. Luckily Chales Monsoon doesn’t immediately helter skelter them, but instead does some ooky spooky hypnosis that allows said cult child to enter the room unnoticed and PLANT A CORN SEED IN YOUNG LADY. I’m not sure this is how corn works, but it’s probably Demon Corn, so who am I to impose natural laws on such things. You do you, demons.

Shit immediately gets whack and the entire house is taken over by a mysterious supernatural force (hint: it’s definitely He Who Walks Behind The Rows) that won’t allow Young Couple to escape or call for help. At this point, the whole movie basically turns into a haunted house flick that’s generally light on both children and corn as Young Couple attempt to escape the forces of He Who Walks Behind The Rows. And then yadda yadda yadda, ending that leaves it open for another sequel.

Genesis isn’t a terrible movie, it’s more atmospheric and creepy than most of the 90s entries in the franchise and at least it’s not just about more murder children getting adopted, so that’s a plus. Would I still be perfectly happy and fulfilled and have an hour and a half of my life back if I hadn’t watched it? Yes. But would that life really be worth living? Also yes.

Children of the Corn: Genesis gets……THREE HORRORS.

Christ almighty kids, ONE MORE LEFT and then we get to move on to….hoo boy.

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I’ll give you three guesses.
Children of the Corn: Genesis

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