Children of the Corn: Revelation

WE FINALLY MADE IT, GANG. THE LAST CHILDREN OF THE LAST CORN. JESUS CHRIST IT HAS BEEN A JOURNEY.

Of course this is actually CotC 7, which means this one comes before the last one chronologically, but again, time is a flat circle, reality is an illusion, nothing matters etc. etc.

So THIS TIME, we actually don’t have a broken down car by a corn field, instead we get a young woman named Jamie looking for her grandmother who hasn’t been answering her phone calls and the grandmother lives by a corn field. Don’t worry, there is still a corn field. There is always a corn field. Jamie drives all the fuck out to Nebraska, which is more than I’ve ever done for my grandmother, and upon entering her grandmother’s corn-adjacent apartment building, she discovers an eviction notice, no grandmother, and a whole bunch of weird kids. The building manager has zero advice for her, but he does introduce her to some of the non-weird-kid occupants of the building, who are the exact type of people unlikely to survive a horror movie. Weird.

Jamie wanders down to the basement where she finds a bunch of various crops growing and hears giggling children, which could just be how they do things in Nebraska, but this time it’s accompanied by a guy with a gun who appears out of nowhere telling her to NEVER GO IN THE BASEMENT so she…leaves and stops going to the basement. After having some weird dreams about children and corn, Jamie learns that her grandmother was in a child corn cult and that she was the only survivor of a fire set by the child corn cult leader and that the fire was set right where the apartment building is now!!! LE GASP. 

Then some other shit happens and then more shit happens and then the movie is over the end. Goddamn is this movie forgettable, as evidenced by the fact that I had to google the plot synopsis and it barely registered with me. I do sort of remember a couple of the kills but like……after seven other childrens and corns……ugh. The sounds of creepy children are now meaningless to me, and I’m taking an extended break from eating the haunted vegetable that is corn, not because it is haunted, but because I’M FUCKING OVER CORN. (Unless it is in dog form, I can still fuck with that.)

I can’t review this movie anymore, sorry guys, let’s just get this out of the way so we can move on to ANY OTHER THING.

Children of the Corn: Revelation gets……..TWO HORRORS.

THANK CHRIST.

WE MADE IT.

IT’S OVER.

Or is it……

NO, IT IS.

silent-movie-end-screen-vector
I’M DONE HERE.
Children of the Corn: Revelation

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