SPOOKY. SEASON. IS. BACK.
And so is the spookiest blog to ever sometimes be on the internet! By which I mean this one. And the sometime IS NOW. We’re calling this one a Special Edition because it’s not quite next in alphabetical order, and also it’s not on Netflix, but it starts with C and I saw it on a streaming service and I just watched it for the first time and GANG. I HAVE TO SHARE.
First of all, I am incredibly embarrassed to admit that I had never heard of Chopping Mall until seeing it pop up in my recommended watching on Amazon Prime, and that is a shameful cross that I will bear for as long as I live. But I’m also gonna go ahead and blame it on everyone who was alive in 1986 for not screaming from the FUCKING ROOFTOPS that this movie exists and that it is, holy shit, the best, stupidest movie to ever be made, because it absolutely is life-changingly stupid and best.
Now I’m going to manage your expectations right here before we get into it, there will be no chopping in Chopping Mall. I assumed from the title that this would be a movie about a Jason-style slasher killing a bunch of teens in the mall after hours. But oh no, it would be so, so much sweeter than that. Because the original title of Chopping Mall was….Killbots.
THAT’S RIGHT. IT’S MOTHERFUCKING KILLER ROBOTS.
Chopping Mall is about a group of the most 80s teens to ever teen sneaking into a furniture store in the mall after hours, but it’s not just any mall. It’s the Park Plaza Mall, which has just installed a brand new security system consisting of three GODDAMN ROBOTS that are designed to stop shoplifters and trespassers with GODDAMN TASERS and GODDAMN LASERS. We are assured by the robot salesman that it is impossible for absolutely anything to go wrong with these perfect killing machines and that they will definitely never kill. Please prepare your finest shocked pikachu memes for the next paragraph.
So a bolt of lightning hits the main computer and sends all the robots on a killing spree. (Lightning hitting a computer and turning it into a murderer was a very 80s concern, for any younger readers who did not grow up with the fear that we were all one bad storm away from the technocalypse.) The team of killbots splits up and starts taking out technicians and janitors before noticing that there are unauthorized teens in the furniture store and that they are DOING TEEN CRIMES.
So who are these teens? They are Mike and Leslie, the football star and blonde bombshell who are definitely fuckin. Mike spends a minimum 30% of his brain power on aggressively chewing gum and Leslie shows us her tiddies a bunch. Rick and Linda who are married I guess? Very little of the movie is spent on the rich backstory of Rick and Linda’s young relationship, but we know that Rick is action movie hero hot and Linda is the brunette, because you have to have one. Greg and Suzie are the dancey, goofy, fun times couple who are both ditsy as shit and only marginally more useful than Mike and Leslie. And lastly we have Ferdy and Allison, who are fucking nerds. They spend the whole make-out party sitting awkwardly next to each other watching Attack of the Crab Monsters while everyone else is drowning in hormones and genitalia. Make your predictions about who survives this movie now, Scream rules apply.
Here is where I will encourage you all to go watch this movie because I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH how amazing it is and I would hate to give too many spoilers, though really, you can read the entire wikipedia entry for this movie and it will only make you want to see it more. There will be lasers, there will be blood, there will be exploding skulls with blood and lasers. Chopping Mall is every 80s sci-fi horror cliche I could ever ask for and then some, and I feel blessed by the Roger Corman family of products to have experienced such a cinematic wonder.
I give Chopping Mall…..THE FULL FIVE HORRORS.
It is perfect.
It is beautiful.