Dark Light

This one’s in English! Finally, a movie I can watch while scrolling through garbage on my phone. My favorite.

Dark Light is a 2019 sci-fi horror movie, which is one of my favorite types of horror movie. I will vote for spooky aliens over vampires and werewolves any day. BUT WAIT ARE THERE SPOOKY ALIENS THOUGH? Because Dark Light is about a woman named Annie moving back to her childhood home with her young daughter after a “breakdown” related to a non-specific hereditary mental illness, which means that literally anything she has concerns about is invalidated. NEAT. It does not help that the only resource she can find to validate her claims of spooky activity is some kind of angelfire black-background-white-comic-sans-text bullshit run by a beardy nerd, which frankly makes me wish she had just put cameras around the house like every other horror family does.

Because the better evidence is that the house is in a CORNFIELD, which means that there MUST be spooky aliens because THAT IS THEIR JAM. Children of the Corn, Signs, A Quiet Place, as a horror fan I know that every corn field holds Eldritch horrors beyond imagination but this Sheriff keeps showing up and insisting that it’s “kids with flashlights” like some fucking noob who’s probably going to get her head ripped apart by spooky aliens later. OR WILL SHE she will. Also the Sheriff is a lady! Hurray equality! And all her rural white male employees respect and listen to her. Haha, this is truly science fiction.

Except ah shit wait there are indeed spooky aliens, and they have taken Annie’s daughter for….food? According to Angelfire McBeardo’s video, these are not actually aliens, but creatures indigenous to Earth who creep up out of cornfields to collect children, who have the tastiest life force of all the humans. So when Annie easily escapes from custody (which, yikes, this police force has some major issues to work out, PROBABLY CUZ THEY HAVE A WOMAN SHERIFF, AMIRITE) where does she go to save her daughter? That’s correct, she makes a beeline for Angelfire’s house, because if there’s anything I know, it’s that a bearded white dude on the internet whose opinions are not allowed on mainstream social media must know too much truth.

This goes very wrong like immediately, leaving Annie locked in McBeardo’s basement while aliens are out there snacking on her daughter’s delicious life force and Lady Sheriff is hunting around for THE WOMAN SHE BELIEVES IS A CHILD MURDERER who just kinda wandered out of the crashed transfer van and went on her merry way a few hours ago. Will Annie save her daughter from being an alien meal? Will McBeardo finally get MUFON to listen to him? Will Lady Sheriff get her escaped criminal back in custody or will she get aliened to death right in the head? WHO CAN SAY.

What I can say is that this movie is not necessarily good. There’s a lot that doesn’t make sense, for example, the fact that Annie started out by seeing small ghosty-type shenanigans in the house (opening doors, things moving, etc) and when we finally see the aliens they are eight foot tall living flashlights who couldn’t be sneaky if they tried. Or how Angelfire McBeardo listens to Annie’s story and the FIRST THING he does is drag her to his basement saying “NOW I HAVE PROOF HAHA” as if 1. a stranger coming to your house and saying she saw aliens is proof and 2. locking the only person who agrees with you in your basement will lend credibility to your argument. The police WILDLY ignore any sort of legal regulations and haha nevermind that’s pretty normal.

But the movie is kinda fun. The creatures are pretty great, and I just spent the whole film thinking “MAN I would love to play this video game.” It has all the best video game locations, police warehouse, river just outside of town with submerged vehicles, creepy house, corn, and both trying to convince people that the aliens are real and killing the shit out of piles of aliens would be SO. MUCH. FUN. If the Dark Light people are reading, please call the Last of Us team and get them to work on this, they’re not busy right now.

So I’m giving the movie……THREE HORRORS.

Video game would get 10/10 though.

also I would like a corn monster minigame please and thank you
Dark Light

Dark Forces

Hey, did you know that trying to do literally anything during a global pandemic is a real fuckin drag? Anyway, that’s what I’m blaming for my inability to keep up with this blog this time around. But I’m not letting myself off the hook until I’ve watched and reviewed 31 terrible Netflix horror movies, so if it takes me until Christmas to get through this Halloween season so be it. This whole year is garbage so I’m going to make the spooky times last. I’m basically doing you a favor by not using it all up all at once. You’re welcome.

ANYWAY speaking of terrible Netflix horror, boy howdy do I have a treat for you! Dark Forces is a Mexican horror movie from THIS YEAR done in an 80s-inspired noir style, kind of like if cyberpunk were neither cyber nor punk but also sometimes the women wear victory rolls. Our hero is a mustachioed man named Franco who has come to sex around a weird hotel until he finds his missing sister. Everything in this film is sloooooow and seeexxxxy, provided you are attracted to mustaches and excessive fog machine action with jewel-toned lighting for *atmosphere*. He meets several Sexy Brunettes on his adventure, including Sexy Front Desk Lady, Sexy Lady in the Room Next Door, and Sexy Lady Who Sings Down the Hall. All of these women look the same to me and I have only the vaguest understanding of which one actually ended up being important. I think it was Sexy Next Door.

In which case, it is definitely Sexy Next Door who, after Mustache saves her from her mean boyfriend, decides she wants to 1. slowly rub her bloody lip all over Mustache’s mustache in a slooooow and seeexxxxy way and 2. help him do crimes to find his sister. Why are crimes necessary to find his sister you might ask? Because that is what the wizard at the end of the hallway said to do and he knows because he wrote a wizard book called Dark Forces. (Ps, it’s actually Fuego Negro which means Black Fire which is a way cooler name? And also would have meant I wouldn’t have had to watch this very bad movie right now.) And I’m calling him Wizard because he has a terrible Spirit Halloween bald cap/long white hair wig and owns candles and shit even though there is so little context in this film I have no idea who he actually is or why he’s there. Mustache takes his advice with absolutely zero questions asked and goes a’crimin with his new sexy girlfriend.

And Sexy Girlfriend just gets SO TURNED ON BY DOING CRIMES Y’ALL. She gets all excited and we are treated to a bunch of seeeexxxxxxy sex scenes while Mustache has a bunch of ‘Nam flashbacks that make him wonder if this woman is actually on his side, but that will absolutely not stop him from having two more sex scenes with her before this movie is over.

But wait, there’s ALSO an Albino Lady on the roof who is ~*mysterious*~ and knows things and if you pay her mother $2,000 she can tell you the things she knows, like where your missing sister is! So….let’s do that I guess, since it’s so convenient. And then go hunt around a crime syndicate looking for Mustache’s old boss. And…have sex dreams about Wizard? I do not understand this movie even a little bit.

The point is that there is a demon thing inside Wizard shaped exactly like a double-ended dildo that you vomit out of your mouth directly into someone else’s to capture their soul or whatever. Anyway. That’s where I’m done reviewing this movie.

I’m torn about what to give it but…..THREE HORRORS because it’s so bad it barely deserves 2 but I had the right combination of wine and edibles that gave me the enjoyment of a 4. You can absolutely MST3K your way through this thing and have a grand time but jesus christ is it bad. Results may vary, view at your own risk.

10/10 for the mustache though
Dark Forces

Danur: I Can See Ghosts

Why yes, Netflix did add that clumsy subtitle all by themselves, grape job guys.

So now we’re in Indonesia! And it’s absolutely crawling with ghosts. This film clocks in at a BRISK hour and fourteen minutes and goddamn was that a breath of fresh air. Based on a novel, Danur tells the story of a little girl named Risa (not the Star Trek sex planet) whose parents are always out of the house working and, with no siblings to play with, this kid is desperately lonely until she meets three ghost children. They all become fast friends and she is finally happy until her mother brings in a ghost expert of some sort who forces Risa to view her ghost friends as the corpses that they are and prevents her from being able to see them at all in the future.

But when Risa is grown and taking care of her grandmother, her little sister becomes friends with a Very Bad Ghost and Risa needs to call on her childhood ghost buddies to help out. And I FUCKING LOVE GHOST BUDDIES. (Which would have been a better subtitle, NETFLIX.)

Now, I love this plot a lot, but there are some, uh, weird wrinkles in the actual movie that made this whole thing less than spectacular. Like when Risa can’t control her grandmother while she is busy with ghost stuff so she HOG TIES HER GRANDMOTHER WITH HER OWN SCARF and then we never speak of that again. Or when her mother is trying to bury a demonic comb to stop the Bad Ghost and she immediately trips on a root and we watch her dramatically crawl to her preferred hole-digging spot for like…actual minutes of time. And then she is bad at digging a small hole so once she gets the comb covered by a small amount of dirt she just SLAMS THAT THING WITH A ROCK over and over and over again while the music indicates that this is a *very dramatic moment* and I am left wondering how this woman managed to raise two children. This whole sequence is spliced between poorly-filmed shots of Risa flailing around in a bathtub under red lights which does not help anything whatsoever.

Unfortunately all that happens at the dramatic conclusion of the Very Bad Ghost shenanigans, which really undercuts….everything. This movie mostly makes me curious about reading the book, because the actual story is pretty great. The movie itself, however, was…..

…………TWO AND A HALF HORRORS.

The execution was just kinda below average and hokey and, while I did enjoy parts, overall it just lacked in production quality and suffered from a few bad choices.

But if anyone’s got an English copy of Danur by Risa Saraswati, hit me up.

Or uh if anyone wants to translate one for me. Who speaks Indonesian?

Danur: I Can See Ghosts

Dabbe: The Possession

So apparently the Dabbe series is just a bunch of near-identical but unrelated movies about woman after woman getting possessed by a djinn and then after about two hours it turns out oh no the people we thought were good were actually on the side of the demons end of movie.

I have nothing else to say, except that if you feel you have to watch one of these, Possession is probably the clearest, plot-wise, and also clocks in at a mere two hours and thirteen minutes. (UGHHH.) So watch this one. Again, it is actually not bad except for the fact that I have now watched the same movie three times and all I got out of it was this screenshot:

Which is actually kinda worth it, ngl.

….THE EXACT SAME THREE HORRORS I AWARDED THE PREVIOUS TWO FILMS.

It is.

Dabbe: The Possession

Dabbe 6

Alright so I took two days off because I was doing an online convention and also because Chucky fucking exhausted me. BUT NOW I’M BACK and so is Dabbe 6, which was TWO HOURS AND THIRTY-THREE MINUTES LONG.

GUYS.

THAT IS SO MUCH MOVIE FOR WHAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH.

I actually liked this movie, for the first hour and a half, but eventually it just turned into me checking the time every ten minutes and wondering why they couldn’t have JUST CUT THIS SCENE WE DON’T NEED THIS I JUST WANT SOME DEMON MURDERS CAN WE PLEASE GET THIS DONE THANKS. If I have any readers from Turkey, is this just how movies are for you guys??? Are they all over two hours long??? Do you just have a better attention span than my dumb American brain can handle??? Or is this entire series just kinda indulgent and slow and adds irrelevant twists and turns for no reason?

I’m also learning the patterns for the Dabbe series specifically. For example, the husband is always having an affair. It’s always the lady in the family that gets possessed. Everyone in the house has lots of demonic nightmares that look really cool but also we have about four times as many nightmares as is necessary. A specialist is called in around the halfway point. The specialist will come with cameras and the movie will become found footage from that point on, to varying degrees of success. Demon fucks around for a while and in the last 20 minutes we have a twist that invalidates the entire rest of the movie. Dabbe, ladies and gentlemen.

The actors were all great. The basic plot was good. The effects were cool and creepy and dreamlike and the scares are good. But jesus gang, two and a half hours to tell the SIXTH story in the series??? I could have literally watched two Chucky movies in that time and them shits don’t waste ANY TIME getting to my precious murders. Hire an editor, please.

….THREE HORRORS AGAIN, IT COULD BE MORE BUT YOU PUT AT LEAST 45 MINUTES OF NONSENSE IN THERE AND THAT SHIT COSTS YOU.

Hoo boy, can’t wait for ANOTHER DABBE MOVIE NEXT.

two and a half hours and they didn’t dab ONCE
Dabbe 6

Dabbe 5: Curse of the Djinn

So I should explain a little of my process before getting into this one. I started watching these movies in alphabetical order a couple years before I actually started the blog. And, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but every once in a while I take a wee break from writing here, so my list of movies was several years out of date from what was actually on Netflix at the time of writing. Also during this time Netflix lost like 80% of their horror content, probably to competing streaming services (I’m looking at you, SHUDDER) (because you have more and better content than Netflix, thank you Shudder). It’s ridiculous. When I was viewing films, I had a list of 28 horror movies on Netflix beginning with C. Now there are SIX.

So I considered going back to my ye olde lists for the D section as well, but it’s been forever since I’ve seen any of those movies and also they are no longer accessible for anyone who might actually want to see them (for the one in fifteen movies I actually recommend). So, for the first time ever, I am going straight from movie to review, watching only what Netflix has available right now. Which means I will probably plow through these letters a little quicker. Or take another extended break, who knows!

Anyway, this is why I am watching Dabbe 5: Curse of the Djinn, because after watching the entire Chucky franchise out of sequence, there’s nothing like jumping into the middle of a Turkish horror series absolutely cold.

And frankly I have very little to say about it because it was fine but not great. As the 5th in the series, I’m assuming there’s a lot I didn’t pick up on because I have absolutely zero idea what this series is supposed to be about and I refuse to look it up, so as far as I could tell it was a pretty generic haunting film. I’ve seen about a hundred of these, and, really, the context barely matters because every combination of family/house/entity/cameras is pretty much the same with slightly different flavors.

I will say, this one had some fun nightmare sequences and special effects, it was definitely interesting to watch. But also, it was TWO HOURS AND TWELVE MINUTES LONG. Hey, Dabbe 5? NO. Now if you’re Midsommer or the VVitch or whatever, sure, you can have two hours of my time. You put a lot of thought into a deeply affecting movie and it’s worth spending a lot of time with. Fucking Dabbe 5??? Who do you think you are??? You could literally start this movie an hour in and still get everything you needed out of it. I almost fell asleep several times and I can’t even remember how the thing ended even though I watched it *less than 24 hours ago*.

But I’m going to be a little generous because for all I know it could be great if you know the whole story, because it was well-done. Just….jesus christ. I can count on my fingers the number of horror movies that deserve to be longer than 90 minutes, Dabbe 5 does not make the cut.

So I give it……THREE HORRORS.

Also now I do kinda have to try to remember how that thing ended because oops, HERE COMES DABBE 6

the dabbening

Dabbe 5: Curse of the Djinn

Seed of Chucky

I TAKE IT ALL BACK FUCK THIS WHOLE FRANCHISE.

WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST WATCH.

Here I was all “oh, Jennifer Tilly will probably be back in this one, that’ll be nice” and THEN SEED OF CHUCKY HAPPENED.

I am not doing a synopsis of this movie because IT IS NOT POSSIBLE so instead I’m just going to list a few of the things that happen here in no particular order because I CANNOT THINK ABOUT THIS MOVIE FOR A SINGLE SECOND LONGER THAN I HAVE TO. So please enjoy this list of actual horrors so that I may delete this entire thing from my memory banks:

  • John Fucking Waters is in this movie.
  • Jennifer Tilly is also in this movie, as both the Tiffany doll and as HERSELF, REAL JENNIFER TILLY. She gets roasted so hard and is absolutely brilliant about it. I would happily rewatch this movie with only her scenes in it. I mean sort of. No I wouldn’t.
  • Redman is in this movie, also as himself, and he’s directing a movie called “The Virgin Mary.” You know, like Def Jam rapper Redman would do. He is also brilliant and is mostly in scenes with Jennifer Tilly, making those scenes a sweet safe haven for my ruined mind meats.
  • The voodoo puppet child of Tiffany and Chucky from the end of Bride is in this one and THE DOLL IS ABSOLUTELY HORRIFYING TO LOOK AT. I HATE IT SO MUCH.
  • The child is named Glen and prefers he/him pronouns but is canonically nonbinary? In a way that alternates between positive representation and VERY BAD REPRESENTATION. I’m not even touching this topic.
  • We have to watch Chucky masturbate into a cup. For like A LONG TIME.
  • We have to see an ENTIRE CUP of puppet jizz.
  • That cup of puppet jizz is sucked into a turkey baster and used to ARTIFICIALLY INSEMINATE ACTUAL JENNIFER TILLY.
  • Tiffany and Chucky attempt to quit murdering using the methods of Alcoholics Anonymous. It does not work.
  • Glen is still just awful, this whole time. It DOES NOT STOP.
  • Chucky kills Britney Spears by running her off the road in Redman’s stolen car. They could not get actual Britney Spears for this, for some reason. She must have been busy.
  • Actual Jennifer Tilly becomes pregnant overnight and gives birth to fraternal twins MADE FROM CHUCKY SPERM. The Tiffany doll acts as midwife.
  • Chucky decides he actually likes being a doll because dolls are immortal. That’s the exact opposite of what we’ve been told this whole series but okay.
  • I STILL HATE GLEN AND NOW HE IS A MURDEROUS DRAG QUEEN SOMETIMES I GUESS.
  • Tiffany takes over Jennifer Tilly’s body because she loves her so much. I like this.
  • DOLL FIGHT.
  • Jennifer Tilly’s two horrible red-headed murder children grow up and are never ever seen or heard from ever again. Including Glen, thank christ.

ZERO HORRORS BECAUSE THIS IS NOT A HORROR MOVIE THIS IS A FEVER DREAM FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER AWAKEN BECAUSE THE EVENTS OF SEED OF CHUCKY HAVE SEARED THEMSELVES INTO MY DELICATE BRAIN AND I WILL NEVER GET AWAY NO MATTER HOW MANY MORE MOVIES I WATCH. SEED OF CHUCKY WILL ALWAYS BE THERE. SEED OF CHUCKY HAS ALWAYS BEEN THERE. SEED OF CHUCKY IS ETERNAL. SEED OF CHUCKY IS THE ABYSS.

THIS FUCKING DOLL HAUNTS ME

Seed of Chucky

Curse of Chucky

It’s 2013 and Team Chucky is moving on from the black comedies of the late 90s and trying a little Artistry and Suspense this time. And while it’s not my favorite, it works well enough that it makes me want to watch Cult of Chucky again because NOW I get what was going on with all that. (I’m officially upgrading Cult of Chucky to 4 horrors, so everyone add that to your charts at home.)

First we meet FIONA DOURIF, who, apart from being Brad Dourif’s daughter, is also a literal genius in Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency, so please watch that if you like to enjoy things, and I know you do. She plays Nica, a paraplegic living with her mother in a giant, sad house with, as far as we know, zero connection to the Chucky family of products. Until a Chucky doll arrives in the mail at her house and her mother “commits suicide” shortly after. Nica’s sister brings her family to the house to box everything up and talk about selling and of course her sister has a young daughter who FUCKIN LOVES THIS DOLL. Hey you, reader, you were once a child. Does this Chucky doll hold literally any interest for any of you??? I can’t imagine a time in my life when I would have even noticed this doll because it wasn’t a My Little Pony so it can go die in a fire. (And it has!) Is this just part of Chucky’s voodoo majicks? Please show a picture of a Good Guys doll to a child and ask them if they like it. They will not.

Now Nica’s sister is an Actual Bitch who resents her disabled sibling for not having working legs (which, ps, she was BORN WITH so you’ve had like thirty years to get over this, lady) and spends the entire movie treating her with some combination of overprotection and disdain. (Don’t worry, she gets murdered directly in the eye later.) So as soon as weird shit starts happening, she immediately assumes Nica is trying to personally ruin her life, while Nica, an adult, tries to actually figure out what the fuck is happening by looking into this doll.

Of course by the time she has finished her googling half the family is dead and the little girl is missing. And then etc etc crawling on the floor to escape a doll yadda yadda murder trial insanity plea asylum. It’s hard to give a real synopsis on this one because very little happens up front and the bulk of the set-up for Cult of Chucky happens in the last twenty minutes of the movie and even after the credits, where we get to enjoy the return of Alex Vincent as Andy and Jennifer Tilly as Tiffany, both of which made me literally clap my hands in glee. We also get to enjoy an extended flashback sequence wherein we actually see some face acting out of Brad Dourif, who unfortunately is made to wear a Tommy Wiseau cosplay which does undercut the severity of his serial killings a bit, but I’ll take it.

This movie wasn’t necessarily amazing, but it was pretty okay (Fiona Dourif was actual fire) and it succeeded in making me REAL jazzed for Cult of Chucky, which, again, is a movie *I just watched.* So that’s pretty good, I think.

…..SOLID 3 HORRORS.

Which brings me to something that troubles me. I only have one film left to watch in the series and so far I have only *not* enjoyed two out of six films. (I’m skipping the remake for now because I saw a picture of that doll design and, woof.) In fact, there were a couple in there that I very much DID enjoy. This is a much higher hit rate than Children of the Corn. Therefore…..am I a Chucky fan? Do I LIKE these movies? I had assumed for so long that I did not like this stupid doll and now, after around ten hours of being sucked into the Chuckiverse…..I’m not sure what to think. What if that weaselly little puppet does possess powers of attraction….

That lovable scamp

Curse of Chucky

Child’s Play 3

Ah, finally, the comforting familiarity of a truly mediocre horror movie.

Where Child’s Play 2 was a buck wild adventure in making me personally feel uncomfortable and depressed, Child’s Play 3 is exactly what I expected it to be: a forgettable and unimportant sequel with virtually no bearing on the franchise as a whole, never to be spoken of again.

Child’s Play 3 also suffers from the casting of a Replacement Andy, as the events of this film take place eight years after Child’s Play 2, but the movie itself was released only nine months after the previous installment (almost as if they didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about or working on it, huh), meaning that the character of Andy needed to be a young teen while OG Andy is a seven year-old. In fact, I recognized exactly zero of the lead actors in this one besides the inevitable return of Brad Dourif, who now has to drag the entire movie uphill as it kicks and screams to be allowed to die. So from the beginning I knew I was in for a relatively boring evening.

And we begin back at Play Pals Inc where a board of old white men have decided that the second spate of Chucky murders is not enough to risk their bottom line, so they are REOPENING THE CHUCKY FACTORY, which is apparently such a frugal venture that they scraped the melted Chucky monster off the floor, dusted the cobwebs off it, and dumped it right back into the machine to be melted down again with the rest of the Chucky goo. Now one would think that this would result in all the dolls in that batch being just a *little* bit serial killery, but no, somehow the entire contents of Floor Chucky end up in a single Good Guys doll that gets taken directly to the CEO’s office as an example of “the Good Guys doll of the 90s.” Cue the murders.

Andy, meanwhile, is now 16 and starting military school, which puts us solidly in the Teen Screams category of horror movies, complete with a Bully, a Hot Chick Who Can Handle Herself Without A Man Thanks, and a Bespectacled Nerd. For some reason, the 6 year-old child of one of the instructors (I guess?) also hangs out on campus and he 1. likes Good Guys dolls and 2. has the judgement of a 6 year-old. So when a Good Guys doll arrives in the mail and he is asked to deliver it to Andy, he instead opens the box himself and starts to play with his new friend without a single concern about the fact that this doll is clearly alive and an asshole. Chucky decides this will be a good opportunity to get a new body without having to deal with Andy, so he tries to start up a voodoo ceremony before getting interrupted and thrown in the garbage, which, for the record, does happen multiple times in every movie.

So now Andy has a child to save and a girl to impress and a bully to fight against and a nerd to….make him look more impressive by comparison I guess. And then yadda yadda he does all that stuff and defeats Chucky, the end. The kills in this one are fine I guess, the most potentially inspiring of which is the result of Chucky switching out all the blank ammunition for a practice battle with live rounds, which could have been DEVASTATING and really cool but instead only gets him a single victim that I don’t think we ever met before. Or maybe we did and I didn’t care because *gestures vaguely at the entirety of Child’s Play 3.* The film also ends with Chucky being shredded into a bajillion tiny Chucky bits by a giant fan, which is fine in and of itself, but I know that Bride of Chucky is next and is set only a month in the future, meaning that somehow over the course of 30 days, those infinite tiny bits coalesce into five or six Chucky chunks which end up in a murder museum (presumably after a stop at the police evidence locker???) for Tiffany to steal and reassemble into a functioning Chucky. Maybe I just don’t understand the physics of the Chuckiverse, or maybe it’s voodoo magic, or maybe I was just meant to forget about it entirely in the eight years between 3 and Bride.

……TWO HORRORS.

Maybe it’s Maybelline.

Child’s Play 3

Child’s Play 2

First of all, the stunt coordinator of this movie is named Dick Warlock.

Okay.

So.

CHILD’S PLAY 2. I was expecting a dumb, soulless sequel to a soon-to-be-giant franchise film because that’s what happens 75% of the time in literally every franchise ever, especially when this franchise is, again, about a serial-killing Cabbage Patch Kid. Like of course the next film is going to be accidentally funny at best.

I was not expecting an indictment of the foster care system caused by the PR team of a giant corporation ending in a Cronenburgien nightmare of Chucky parts drenched in Chucky goo desperately attempting to wield a knife inserted into the still-bleeding stump where his right hand once was until he SLOWLY TORE IT OFF HIMSELF.

WHAT THE FUCK, SECOND CHUCKY.

THERE WAS LITERALLY NOT ONE DICK JOKE IN. THIS. FILM.

So we start off in an uncomfortably real continuation of the events of the original film. The cops who witnessed Chucky come to life decided not to say anything and risk their careers, so Andy’s mother ends up in a psych ward never to be seen again (couldn’t get Catherine Hicks from 7th Heaven back, huh?). Andy himself is thrown into the foster care system where he goes to a couple who take in the “problem cases,” the husband of which played the Q who went to space court over his own immortality in Star Trek: Voyager.

But before we actually get to ANY of that, we’re at Play Pals Corp., the company that manufactures and sells the Good Guys dolls, of whom approximately 2% are programmed to be named “Chucky,” which is a for real thing in the movies because just having a doll named “Chucky” and a movie named “Chucky” and a sequel named “Chucky 2” wouldn’t be fucking convoluted enough. You know how annoying it is to google you when I have to actively *remember* your shit is called “Child’s Play”? Anyway, Play Pals is, of course, more concerned with public relations than public safety, so rather than, say, check the rest of the dolls to make sure there aren’t more serial killers (which they wouldn’t be, but still, that’s like a REASONABLE first step) they somehow obtain the original Chucky doll from what I ASSUME WAS THE POLICE EVIDENCE LOCKER and scrape off all the burned bits, replace his SKIN AND LIMBS, and restore the Chucky doll after checking his insides and determining that they did not see the soul of a multiple murderer (we’ll get there) with the intent of testing it and proving that their dolls are perfectly safe and totally normal dolls. Of course some *~magic~* happens when they put in the eyes and Chucky is brought back to life yadda yadda murder.

Which means that this ENTIRE MOVIE we get to watch a traumatized child, ripped from his mother and forced into the foster care system, blame everything around him on “Chucky” which WE know to be true but which all the adults around him believe to be the sign of a pathologically-lying orphan who is maybe responsible for murder. And that goes on until Chucky kills the husband of the couple and we get to watch the wife fall to her knees and scream and sob and stare at Andy, who she assumes is a sociopathic murder child that she brought into her own home and JESUS CHUCKY 2 if you pretend for a single second that that doll isn’t a living monster committing all these murders this movie is fucking SAD AS HELL FOR LITERALLY EVERYONE.

I mean, then Brad Dourif immediately yells about bitches or whatever and none of the rest of that matters but what the fuck.

And, briefly because I DO NOT want to be someone who wrote 1000 words on Child’s Play 2, I need to bring up both how great and how HORRIFYING setting the finale of the film in the Chucky factory was. Walls of Chuckies in their Chucky boxes. Chucky assembly lines with Chucky parts on Chucky Part Conveyers, vats of Chucky goo, and, inexplicably, a Chucky Destroyer that maybe was just the part that put the Chucky limbs on the Chucky torsos, but somehow if a Chucky got sent through twice it emerged as a FUCKING CHUCKIPEDE IN A PILE OF BURNING MELTED GOO AND RUBBER ARMS.

Which, I mean, jesus, I can’t even get into all that.

This absolutely has to be the most upsetting film in the franchise. Every other movie he’s just a rude stabby baby and in this one he turns into the thing from The Thing and writhes in a pile of his own liquid skin as two now homeless foster children watch him choke on his own goo and EXPLODE.

I………HAVE NO IDEA HOW MANY HORRORS THIS GETS, WHAT IS THIS MOVIE

WHAT THE FUCK, CHUCK

Child’s Play 2