It’s spooky season once again my friends, and I have decided to obligate myself to actually, properly (maybe) do a horror movie a day from the alphabetically-arranged Netflix catalog for the entire month of October, because really, it’s 2020, my career is dead, what the fuck else am I doing. (Apart from everyone’s regularly scheduled crying fits, day drinking, desperate attempts to learn new skills because we have all this free time right we should be productive otherwise we will waste away staring into the abyss so I guess let’s get to work on this sourdough starter hahahahahaha, three-hour depression naps, and eating one’s weight in cheese. Everything else is just Funemployment, baby!)
Which means that to start off we jump right back into the late Cs, bringing us to one of my favorites, Creep. A filmmaker takes up a Craigslist job offer of a day-long gig filming a stranger at his cabin in the woods, horror movie ensues. It sounds obvious, but it’s very suspenseful and it has everything I love in a horror movie, a very small cast, simple story, believable found footage, and a white guy making terrible decisions. It also clocks in at an hour and seventeen minutes, which is like two and a half episodes of Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives with commercials, but way way way better.
I say all this because this blog is about to get pretty spoilery pretty fast and if you like horror movies and haven’t caught this one yet, come back in slightly less than an hour and a half and read this later because I can see into the future and have a feeling that this film will receive somewhere around four horrors and is therefore worth seeing.
If you have already seen it or for whatever reason you read this blog and don’t like horror movies (I know you’re out there, losers) then buckle up, because this movie stars one obvious murderer and one polite, trusting ding dong. I should mention our sweet, dumb filmmaker appears to be a cis straight white man, which is the only way any of this would happen. No woman or minority is about to go into the woods with a strange white dude from the internet who wants you to bring your camera. We all grow up knowing you guys have a murder switch in there somewhere that can flip at any second, and I’ve seen enough Lifetime originals to know that Craigslist is responsible for 90% of human death, so the fact that Ding Dong even takes this job is our first clue that he is born to be a murder victim. Sorry, bud. Everyone has a special purpose.
But it’s okay though, because the client is a friendly-looking young father and also he is DYING of CANCER which means he is definitely not a murderer! He just wants someone to help him make a movie for his unborn child so that they can know what their father was like before he DIED OF CANCER AWWWWWW- but immediately not awww because the first thing he wants to film is a naked bathtub scene with a pantomime infant that instantly makes my entire skeleton try to crawl out through my eyeholes. Again, homeboy is surrounded by candles, dick out, pretending to tickle the little tootsies of an invisible baby. Basically nothing would make me quit this job faster. And the beauty of this film is that it always sets up the possibility of something terrible and gory happening and it’s never quite that but it’s ALWAYS kind of worse. Like invisible father/son tubby time worse. Axe murder is actually less terrifying.
Then we get to meet Peachfuzz, the terrifying dollar store wolf mask that Cancer Dad Not Murderer likes to put on and dance around in and IF THAT’S NOT A RED FLAG. Also I know the cheap creepy mask trope is kinda played out but I love it every time. Especially this time, because our dying friend is wonderfully unstable and Ding Dong is clearly uncomfortable without even having to be on camera to prove it. Again, everything you think will end in finding a bloody head in the closet actually ends with a skin-crawling wolf dance that is definitely less pleasant than just a regular ol head.
Next we go on a walk in the woods to find a miracle pond full of miracle water and WHY ARE YOU GOING WITH THIS STRANGE MAN INTO THE WOODS. YOU ARE ACTUALLY BEGGING TO GET MURDERED. Jesus christ, but seriously though, this movie is a very scary watch the first time around and a second viewing just makes your brain explode with how dumb this poor camera guy is. Oh Ding Dong, you’ve had so many chances to say “oh whoops need to go to the car to get a thing for the thing so I can uhhhhh, brb” and then just drive off. But instead you go wandering through the woods while the guy you’re supposed to be filming RUNS ahead of you to get you extra lost. That’s not even going to make for good footage. Come on, bro. Watch a single episode of Forensic Files to prepare yourself for shit like this.
I can’t go on with this anymore, I could be here all day asking why our sweet boy didn’t just leave any of the 15000 times he gets an opportunity to do so. But then I wouldn’t have a movie, and as I said, this movie is actually kind of brilliant. The only two onscreen actors feel very, very real and unlike a lot of other movies I will review, this is one that could absolutely happen. It’s a very simple story, but it hits on all cylinders, which is why I give it…
Wow, I guessed right! Seriously, it sounds kind of dumb when I lay it out like this but it is absolutely worth a watch. You have 30 days until Spooky Day, you can fit it in.
Anyway, join me tomorrow for whatever the alphabet has next for me, which is apparently….ah dammit, Cult of Chucky? I fuckin hate that little monster. Ugh. Okay fine. At least now the odds are low of two positive reviews in a row, and you know I drag my feet on reviewing actual good movies.